ParentingTeensOnline

Mary, the “mom”

People are upset and angry; they’re petitioning their representatives; they’re writing letters to the editor.  Why?  The choice for the 2009 high school play!  A few weeks ago, the high school drama department announced that the 2009 play would be Rent: School Edition.  My reaction went along the lines of “Cool, something different; a little edgy”.  Boy, am I naïve!  This week, our small town newspaper features a cover story about how upset people are and how they’re petitioning the school boards to prevent this play and a letter to the editor encouraging citizens to contact the high school and express their dismay.

I am well aware that I am a tad more liberal than the average middle class suburbanite, even in New Jersey, but I just didn’t realize the extent of the divide.  People are signing a petition because they are upset about high school kids being exposed to themes such as homosexuality, drug abuse, HIV/AIDS, promiscuity, etc.  I, on the other hand, see only good from exposing them to these themes.  Maybe they’ll be more tolerant of the peer who “comes out of the closet”, or more cognizant of the risk of AIDS/HIV and the dangers of promiscuity and drug abuse.  I want my teenagers exposed to these themes, not sheltered from them.  Am I off base?  What does the rest of the family think?

Rach, the “older teen”

My high school did Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. The total body in our rendition of the play was well over ten. Ten high school students pretended to get murdered then eaten on stage. I was the stage manager, and we sold out almost every show. It was a hit, people loved it!

In case you don’t know, Sweeny Todd was a barber who killed people, then his girlfriend made them into meat pies - it’s a true story, he killed hundreds then fed them to fellow Londoners, but is significantly less famous than Jack the Ripper, who only killed five.

If my high school did Rent, there would be a lot of angry parents. I find this incredibly disturbing. Homosexuality, sex, and drugs are all considered less school appropriate than murder and cannibalism? That’s messed up. Being open and honest about sex and all types of sexuality is a good thing, murder is not. I believe that teens (and tweens) should be well educated (really educated, not just told to “say no”) about sexuality, pregnancy, and drugs.

Of course, I take a stand that most don’t seem to agree with. We let our kids watch the nightly news filled with murders, rapes and fires - but we won’t let our kids watch movies that have naked people in them? Gosh, we sure live in a seriously messed up society.

Brad, the “dad”

This part of the family is sick-to-death-tired of people sticking their collective heads in the sand.  “Exposing their children to homosexuality, drug abuse, HIV/AIDS, and promiscuity”?  What, like they’ve never heard of these things before?

I admit, we live in a far more urban, and some would say more ’sophisticated’ environment.  To me, there’s nothing sophisticated about it.  It’s just the world, and what with mass media, free and easy travel, and the global economy it seems to be pretty much the same all over.  And I’ve had too many friends die of AIDS, seen too many have unwanted pregnancies and unhappy marriages, suffered with too many friends who’ve had drug problems or died of overdoses to think that avoiding “exposure” to any of the above, pretending to be unaware of them, would do anything but make matters worse.  Ignorance does not breed anything but grief.

And they’re not too young.  We weren’t “too young” thirty years ago when I was in high school; we just pretended we were.  The first suicide I was ‘exposed’ to was back in high school.  So were the first instances of promiscuity.  And drug abuse.  And alcohol abuse.  And one of my best friends in high school “came out” in college, and two others died within the decade from HIV.  Mostly because, you know, we didn’t TALK about “gay cancer” back then.  And in this case, not talking about it killed them.

I know these people think that RENT somehow ‘celebrates’ these lifestyles simply by showing that some people who are gay or sick or making bad decisions still have some element of dignity and potential for happiness in the face of tragedy; that they have some fragment of hope in their lives despite everything.  But RENT doesn’t make any of these challenges look particularly attractive.  I can’t imagine anybody leaving the show and thinking, “Oh, boy, I sure wish that was ME!”  So what’s the problem?  That it’s not Annie?  Or Sound of Music?  No, wait, we can’t go there: Rodgers and Hammerstein might expose them to themes involving fascism, anti-authoritarianism, and people of other, less desirable, religious faiths.

Sheesh. 

If you asked me, RENT shouldn’t just be allowed in your school.  Attendance should be mandatory.  And then they should take it on the road and bring it to OUR schools. 

Sorry. That REALLY annoyed me.  Probably because I’ve fought this same fight in middle schools and high school over and over and over.  And like I said: I’m sick-to-death-tired of it.

Enjoy the show.  It’s great.

Lauren, the “younger teen”

In EVERY high school there are teens who are having sex, there are kids doing drugs, there are homosexual kids, and so on. (Gasp!). So, show teens how dangerous HIV/AIDS are and how important safe sex is. Let teens truly understand that there’s a reason that most drugs are illegal. Drugs are dangerous! Being homosexual is hardest during the teen years. Help those students understand they’re not alone. Doing a play is a much better way to teach these topics to teens rather than sitting in a stuffy health classroom. Also, it makes something very dangerous, such as AIDs, which most teens say “can’t happen to me”, more realistic.

Some parents know kids do these things but think “not my child”. Some parents are completely oblivious and think teens are innocent children. So many parents are unaware in one way or another of what’s going on in their teen’s life. So I think it’s the perfect play to help both the students and parents to understand and make them more aware.

Lauren, the “younger teen”

2 days, 10 hours, 26 minutes, and 34 seconds until the day we’ve all been waiting for…. or at least all the teenage girls crazed for Twilight… the premier of the Twilight movie. The movie based on the first book in the Twilight saga opens on Friday. Most of the girls at my school are talking about it, at dance its pretty much all we talk about, the girls at dance say the girls at their schools can’t stop talking about it, and my one dance teacher, who’s in college, is just as excited as the 13 & 14 year old girls. So I think it’s fair to say that just about every middle and high school girl is talking about it. One of my friends is even going to the mid-night showing (which I am dying to go to, but my mom won’t let me) and going to school that morning. In the car to dance we exchange fun Twilight saying such as ome (oh my edward) and ocd (obsessive cullen disorder), and there’s a ton more.

I’m guessing the obsession doesn’t stop in New Jersey since the 4 books are the top 4 young adult books in the country. So, Rach did you read them & are you obsessed, “Dad” are you daughters excited, too?

Brad, the “dad”

“Your daughters,” my mother-in-law once told me, “are built contrariwise.” I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes I think they go against the grain because they are strong, courageous and of an independent mind by their very nature. Other times I think they do it just to mess with me. I’m leaning towards the latter when it comes to Twilight. The Valkyrie read the first and didn’t much care for it – “too emo,” she said, “too whiney.” But that didn’t keep her from buying the next two books anyway. I’m not sure the Elf, at fourteen, got more than fifty pages into the first book before she made a disgusted (and slightly disgusting) sound and tossed it into the “ready for book sale” pile. Now, with all the fuss about the movie being made in the media, she openly snarls every time we pass a Twilight billboard. This makes for a great deal of snarling.

In one way, I’m rather relieved. The Elf had a minor flirtation with the whole “goth” thing a year or so ago, and it’s good to see she quickly grew bored with the notion, though she continues to suck up Lia Block and Rob Thurman urban fantasies with disturbing regularity. Lily, in college, now pretends to be a bit ‘above it all,’ but I know she’ll be second in line when the new Harry Potter hits early next summer.  So resistant? Perhaps.  Immune? Not so much.

Me? I’ll probably skip it until NetFlix. But it’s good to see that they don’t automatically get swept up in every “gotta have it” marketing wave that comes by. On the other hand, when the newest video game drops, SOMEbody in this house is going to be pleading with me until I crack like an egg. So maybe I should think of it not so much as a victory over mass marketing as merely a postponement.

Meanwhile, Rach – let me know how it is!

Rach, the “older teen”

I worked as a camp counselor this summer. The kids I had to deal with were a bunch of 13 and 14 year old girls. And they worshiped it. I had never even heard of the books until the girls coerced me into reading the first one. I read two pages and realized that it’s more suited to younger teens. Or girls who are more, uh, influenced by sappy romance novels. So, no, I have not read them (besides the first two pages). And no, I will not be seeing the movie.

Book wise, the last Harry Potter ended my childhood reading tastes. I read all the books, I’ve seen the movies. On my 11th birthday I waited for my letter. And now, I wait for the last two movies (or three, if they split the seventh one). I know that when the last one comes out, it will be a very bittersweet day. It will mark the end of a long and awesome series.

If I was still 13 and going through my goth stage once again (you couldn’t pay me to do that again), I can imagine myself pouring over the Twilight books. So, I have nothing against the books. In fact, I like when teens read, it takes them away from the television for while.

Mary, the “mom”

Wow!  I guess I am a really immature 40-something.  My daughter told me I might be interested in reading these books.  I wasn’t all that excited about it but I figured “anything to improve communication”.  And, somewhat to my surprise, I really enjoyed them.  I had the same approach with Harry Potter way back when.  These books may be in the Young Adult section, but I think they’re well written and very engaging. And, I’m not alone.  Many of the moms I know are reading and enjoying these books right along with their daughters.  I’ve also seen moms featured in the news sporting t-shirts and other symbols of their obsession with it.  I’m definitely not going there.  But, I do enjoy the books.

I think it’s great that these young teens are obsessed with books instead of some pop star, although I guess the obsession is with the characters and is being transferred to the actors, but, hey, at least they’re reading!

And, by the way, none of the girls I know who are obsessed with this series are the least bit “goth”.  I think it really has much broader appeal, but maybe I’m just a sappy romantic.

Rach, the “older teen”

Sleeping is a big issue for me. In high school, I was exhausted in the spring after all the work I had been doing with the school musical. And in the fall, watching TV and doing homework weren’t exactly the most tiring activities, so I stayed up later and did more nothing.

My parents never really hassled me about it. If I was still watching TV at 11 or 12 then they would tell me that I should get some sleep soon. Or, if I was in bed before dinner, they just let me sleep. I guess all the sleep I got sort of balanced out.

I’ve been working on a more normal sleep schedule, now. I go to bed more or less consistently on weeknights, and I take naps between classes if I feel like I need it.  I’ve noticed: as teens get older they sort of realize how much sleep their bodies need. So, sleep becomes something much more important than it was as a younger teen.

I’m wondering how you deal with sleep schedules in your house? I haven’t had a “bed time” in years… is that still a thing now that you have teens?

Brad, the “dad”

It’s amazing how “bed time” and “maturity” have become inextricably entwined here in my little kingdom. Looking back, I realize this is where we first starting losing control – or, more accurately, the illusion of control: when we stopped enforcing reasonable bedtimes. But you’re right, Rach: as the kids get older, parents feel oddly guilty about tucking them in, and it’s the first place where even ‘easy’ kids take a stand, no matter how impractical…

Meanwhile, this particular conflict made for middle-school early-morning hours that were pure, unadulterated hell. Getting the girls up and running was darn near impossible. There were some classic days where they stumped off to school carrying most of their clothes rather that wearing them because they just…could…not…WAKE UP. And for some reason, “I told you so” didn’t have much effect on changing their sleepy-times.

Our solution? We came to accept, and even encourage, the Miracle of the The Nap. Yes, there’s a certain maturity-edge there, too: “Don’t treat me like a baby!” But I was more than happy to lead by example. If I had to stay up late or pull an all-nighter to work on a project (a feat that, trust me, gets harder and harder as the decades pile up), I would make a point of proudly catching a few winks during my natural creative/energy downtime (for me? About 4:00 p.m.). And if one of the girls pulled the same late-night antics, it was easier to enforce a late-afternoon lie-down than cut the power to their bedrooms and strap them to the mattress, just to get them asleep by 11:00.

And it still works. They may not get eight hours in a row, but by and large they do get closer to eight hours of sleep out of every 24…and in the process, they’ve become more flexible in their planning and more aware of when they really need rest-time. And there are generally fewer arguments about lights-out and wake-ups.

Consider it. The Miracle of the Nap. It’s not just a good idea…it’s a law of nature.

Mary, the “mom”

Our teens have a bedtime on school nights, but it’s not a time that we mandated, it’s one they agreed to. Unfortunately, it’s also not a time by which they are actually in bed very often. So, rather than serving as “bedtime”, it’s serves as the time at which mom and/or dad start nagging that they should be in bed.

I know they’re tired. In just the last week, each of them has made a comment about having a light homework night and planning to get to bed early. Somehow, that never happens.

As a “night owl”, I am a terrible example. I blame it on bio-rhythms. I guess that’s just an excuse and if I really wanted to change, I could. The fact is that I don’t really know whether I could change or not, because I’ve never tried. I like staying up late. (Really bad example.)

Unfortunately, also like their mother, our teens never nap. With the exception of a few times when I’ve been really sick, I haven’t had a nap since I was two, even when the kids were babies and I’d be up half the night. I just can’t nap.

So, while I’d like to believe that, like Rach, my kids will start listening to their bodies as they mature and regulate their sleep schedule, I suspect that instead they will follow they’re mother’s bad example. But hey, I get a lot done in a day, how bad can it be?

Lauren, the “younger teen”

Normally I get to bed between 10:00 and 10:30. I don’t have a real bedtime per say, but at 10:30 my parents will start to push me to get to bed. I always feel tired. It’s a rare occasion when I don’t feel ready to fall asleep right then and there. Unfortunately, my busy schedule doesn’t allow for naps or an earlier bed time. The not getting home from dance until 9:30 and still having to eat and shower makes it hard.

Napping sounds like a great solution, but I don’t think too many teen schedules allow it. I wish sometimes I had time to nap, but I don’t. I also don’t think I’ve napped since I was 2. I was never a big on napping as a little kid and now since I want to, I don’t have the time to.

Teens seem to stay up later than they should given they have to get up at those ungodly school times. Mornings are hell for me. My alarm goes off, I turn it off, roll back over, go to sleep, my mom comes and wakes me up. Then later on my mom calls the time, I reply “oh, crap” because I’m not ready, My make-up has to be finished before I go out, I miss the bus every other day, so I go to my neighbor’s house because they get on after me. They don’t even look up when I come anymore, and, knock on wood, I’ve never missed it at their house.

So maybe as teens we need more sleep than as kids, but of course end up getting less… a lot less!

Brad, the “dad”

The Valkyrie, newly 18 years old (Happy Birthday, kid!), has been dating for about six months now. I think I’ve done pretty well with it so far: after years of threatening to answer the door while cleaning my gun, or simply staring wordlessly and growling at any boy who so much as crosses the property line, I’ve actually been friendly and polite and non-violent with her Gentleman Callers. It isn’t a long list and they seem like good guys so far. She’s made some good decisions and I’m proud of her…

But she just had her first break-up. She called in tears in the middle of this week because Bruno (not his real name, I’m sorry to say) had been “pressuring” her and she didn’t have the time or the interest in “getting more serious,” especially not in the middle of her first year of college. So she called it off. And he apparently said something that hurt her. And now, of course, I want to kill him.

The homicidal tendencies I can handle – probably. But more to the point…how do I help her? I have a whole brain full of Useful Advice, and of course I want to hear every single detail of what happened. What kind of “pressure” did he exert? What does “more serious” mean? What did that little creep say to her, and where does he live? But…is any of this really any of my business? Does she really need my advice, or want it? (And no, she hasn’t asked…but when has that ever stopped me from ‘helping’ before?) So far she’s given us precious few details, but clearly she’s hurt…and here I am, completely unable to help and not sure what I could do if she wanted me to.

Being a “good listener” in this situation is completely unsatisfying…even more so because she’s not saying anything to listen to. Am I doing the right thing by just letting her deal with this herself – as she says she wants to – or am I falling short at a truly important time: not her first boyfriend, but her first break-up?

I could use some advice, “Mom” and “Daughter.”

Rach, the “older teen”

Breakups suck.

The first boy (and so far the only) who broke my heart, broke it over the internet. We’d been together for a few months, and I was really into him. Apparently he wasn’t as into me. Needless to say, I slammed my laptop shut and started crying so loudly that my parents ran into the room, thinking something fell on me.

We lived a few minutes from each other, and we took the same bus to school. And we saw each other between most classes in high school. So my parents and I decided that it would be best if I stayed home and cried for the next two days (to recover from the trauma of an internet breakup).

All in all, breakups can be the hardest thing teens experience. My parents were there for me, and they let my cry at them for two solid days. They treated me like a princess until I was done crying, because they knew how much he meant to me. After the crying stopped, everything went back to normal. Except, they have never asked what caused the breakup, and they never threatened him, or even spoken of him again. It worked well for me, I never spoke to him again, and never had any reason to.

So, “Dad”, it’s good to see that your daughter handled her really sucky situation well, she knew that she was being pressured and she knows where her limits are. So, tell her that. Tell her that she will always be strong, and that she does not need a boy who treats her badly (as we can assume he did, if he was pressuring). But, most of all, “Dad”, tell her she’s way too good for anyone. And once the crying stops, let it stop. Don’t ask about it, unless she brings it up. I know it’s unsatisfying, but it’s better for her if you don’t push it.

Mary, the “mom”

Poor Valkyrie!

Rach is right, breakups suck.

We haven’t gone through this with our kids yet and it’s been a quarter century since I went through a breakup myself (although I really do remember how awful it felt). A friend of mine just went through this with her daughter, but she was so much younger (13) and the boy had been such a part of the family, that the situation was quite different.

So, I am going to have to defer to Rach on this. I think her advice is excellent. I do think the situation of the Valkyrie being away at school makes it even harder for you to just “be supportive”, but maybe she’ll come home this weekend and you can pamper her without asking questions. (Remember, chocolate is always good for pampering.) For now, you’ll just have to convey that support over the phone.

Good luck!

Lauren, the “younger teen”

This is a little out of my playing field, but I do have some advice. I know when I’m really upset about something, I don’t want to talk about it at first. So I would say be supportive to start without trying to discuss the break-up. Call her, maybe go visit her or have her come home this weekend. Let her think it over herself to start - she may be able to handle it on her own. If she does come home over the weekend, do some things as a family and then maybe send the girls out to do something. She may want to talk to her mom and/or sister first - girl to girl or woman to woman (since she’s somewhere in between).

After a little bit of time has passed, I would try to talk to her about it. Once she has a bit of a handle on it she may be more willing to talk about the break-up and what happened leading up to it. For now, try to be there if she is ready to talk but don’t push it, let her think on her own.

This may be a little off topic but when reading your post I thought of a Gilmore Girls episode in which Rory, the daughter, breaks up with her first boyfriend. Her mother wants to hear what happened and she keeps pushing her to talk about it, but Rory doesn’t want to yet. She runs away to her grandparents house just so she can think it out herself first but by the end of the episode she is comfortable talking to her mom about it.

So there’s my advice, but Rach is probably more informed in this area since she herself has been through it.

Mary, the “mom”

I’ve always tried to be consistent with my kids. I make my share of parenting mistakes, but my kids always know where I stand and what to expect from me. Except when it comes to the neatness, or shall I say, messiness, of their rooms. I just can’t seem to take a stand and stick to it. When they were younger, I made their beds and put away their laundry. I told them about it if they threw clothes on the floor, but I would pick them up. (I guess that’s where I went wrong.) As they grew, I realized that they needed to take some responsibility, so first I turned making the bed over to them. Guess how often the beds get made. Then I found myself really busy and wondering why I was putting away laundry for three perfectly capable young people. Isn’t it enough that I wash it and fold it and deliver it to them? So, I turned that over to them. So now the older two only put their laundry away when an ultimatum is issued.

As for the overall neatness of the room, I’ve tried various approaches, all of which are variations of the concept that that their rooms are their territory and their responsibility. Make as much of a mess as you want, but I’m not going to clean it up. I think that’s a great approach from the perspective that it puts the decisions and the consequences in their hands. Except, I just can’t stand it! I promise them it’s up to them and then I either go ballistic on them because their rooms are pig sties, or refuse to even walk into their rooms because I can’t stand to see the mess, or not let them go somewhere until they straighten up, or I get really crazy and clean up their rooms myself (like I did last week).

Obviously, there is nothing consistent in my handling of this issue. And, I know in the grand scheme of things, clothes all over the floor isn’t such a big problem. But, it drives me crazy! So, “Dad”, how does your family handle the bedroom issue? Rach, help me out here – I know I’m driving my kids crazy. What’s a fair approach?

Brad, the “dad”

Ah, the ‘clean room’ thing. “Mom,” today I bring you a message of…well, utter hopelessness, with a little scootch of “don’t sweat the small stuff” right at the end.

We’ve been through it three times now, and we’re suffering through the third time now with The Elf, who I swear looks at me like I’m speaking Martian when I say, “clean your room.” “What?” her blank expression tells me. “What is this thing you call…’clean’? And I’m in a…what did you call it? ‘Room’? I don’t…”

We’ve had great success, I think — so far — in instilling a sense of fair play, compassion, empathy, and right action in our offspring. It’s borne our by their behavior on a daily basis, and I love them and am proud of them all the time. But not a single solitary strategy, tactic, approach, or manipulation ever made them clean their rooms. Not for more than a week. Not ever.

Leaving it alone until it’s a stinking pile of sticky-things doesn’t help. Doing it for them and hating yourself doesn’t help. Punishment, reward, lectures, grandparental intervention, weeping, shouting, and withholding everything from computer games to TV to locking them in with the stinking pile of etc. etc. … doesn’t work. Not more than once. And now that’s we’re lurching through the same challenge with the Elf as we have with the Other Ones, I’ve decided to do the one thing I haven’t tried before — the one thing that isn’t an actual felony, that is.

I’m giving up.

I visited our oldest daughter at her home recently. It was astonished at how reasonably clean and well-organized it was, and how she actually seemed to be doing her laundry and washing herself on regular basis. A few days later I visited the Valkyrie at college, and found her portion of the dorm room was neat as the proverbial pin, and that she had a drawer full of clean clothes she had actually — had actually (I’m sorry, I’m choking up a little here) — actually washed by herself. So in both cases, all those years of screaming and threatening and sturm und drang…well, it didn’t much matter. When the real rubber met the actual road, they responded to the deep-training that they received from the rest of the house and the rest of their lives to date. Turns out they take care of themselves just fine.

So in this one instance? I say let it go. Not a popular opinion, I know — not even in my own house — but if the kid is doing well in all the important areas, if he or she is treating other people well, staying away from the dangerous stuff, setting and achieving personal and family goals…then just let the room be the room, with all its issues of power-struggle, ownership, and territoriality, and only intervene in that last moment before the rats or the Health Department take over. In short: don’t sweat the small stuff, and you just might all survive to clean another day.

Rach, the “older teen”

My parents have never forced me to clean my room. They’ve asked me to tidy up when company is coming over (so, when my grandparents take over my room), but other than that’s it’s always been up to me. So, when I was a kid my mom made my bed. Then when I was a young teen my room was piled with CDs and clothes. Now (as an older teen), my dorm room and my room at home are clean and mostly tidy. It makes a big difference in a small room.

I like what my parents did, they just kind of left it alone. Every once in a while they asked for me to be neat. I’ve always kind of got the feeling that they just don’t care about my room. I guess it really depends on how much you see the room. And how much you want it to be neat. If you make a policy, like they can’t go out (or have dessert, watch TV, play a video game) unless their room is spotless, and if you stick to that - then your kids will, hopefully, start keeping things a bit more tidy.

I think a fair approach is to pick one. Does it make a huge difference to you? Then get a rule going. If it only kind of matters? Then don’t make a rule and ask for cleanliness every once in a while.

Lauren, the “younger teen”

Well, in my house, I am so clean that it really isn’t a problem. (I can’t even keep a straight face trying to type that since I am the exact opposite of clean!) The majority of teens have messy rooms, especially younger teens - that age group, for some odd reason, seems to be the worst in terms of room cleanliness.  Somehow, it just doesn’t bother us, but parents (or at least my parents) it drives crazy! The only reason my room is ever even a little bit tidy is because my mom refuses to come in if it’s too messy. So, no matter what, there will be folded laundry in the basket (currently I am staring at 2 huge piles) that I haven’t put away and my desk always is cluttered, but if you catch me at the right time there might not be clothes spread out across my entire floor. I think pretty much all of my friends have messy rooms so it really isn’t a big deal in my mind, although my mom, I am sure, would beg to differ.

I think that our rooms are our own place to be a complete slob if we want to be. So parents, I would just ignore it and let us throw our clothes across the room if we want to. Also, know that you’re certainly not alone, it’s not just your teen. So, when they say no one has clean rooms, they’re not exaggerating at all. Bottom line, you may have to just suck it up for these years and let your teen be themselves in their room.  Remember, “Dad” says it will get better when we’re older.

Check out what other parents and teens have to say about the “Bedroom Wars” in Whose Room is it Anyway?

Mary, the “mom”

While driving yesterday, I heard a news report about teens and their reactions to their families cutting back spending, including allowances, in the face of the economic crisis.  The report indicated that in recent months teens are spending less, presumably because of cutbacks in allowances, although I’m sure loss or unavailability of part time jobs play a role as well.  Apparently many teens’ reactions to such a situation is to be upset or angry, according to the report.  This really caught my attention.  My own kids have been remarkable supportive about cutbacks we’ve implemented.  In fairness, we’ve been able to avoid cutting the things we know are most important to them, but still, many smaller things have been cut that do affect them.  Just as I was getting worked up that it wasn’t fair to generalize in such a way, the report continued that such a reaction from teens was often a sign of fear for their families, as opposed to selfishness.  Phew! 

But, this raises a point.  We need to talk to our kids about money in general and this economic crisis in particular.  Even if your family isn’t feeling the pinch, if you’re not talking, your kids may be imagining the worst.  I definitely need to sit down with my kids and be more specific than “we can’t afford that right now” or “money is tight”, because who knows what they’re worrying about.  Apparently they might be more worried about their parents or their college fund than that new pair of brand name jeans.

If you’re looking for ideas on how to communicate with your kids about economic issues, ParentingTeensOnline has an article, The Money Talk, about just that, and a very helpful article with suggestions for conversation starters.  There was also a post on a Business Week blog, Talking to Your Teen About the Financial Crisis. 

So, “Dad”, what’s your approach to discussing financial issue with your teens?  Rach, what about you?  Do your parents talk to you about money?  How do you think parents should talk to their kids about financial stress?

Rach, the “teen”

Most of the teens I know whose parents are struggling with the economy (so, all the teens I know), are reacting really well. Some of our parents have talked to us, and some of them haven’t. Only recently did my parents start including me and my brother in talks about money. That is, we know how lucky we are that our family saved up and planned early for college and other long-term expenses like that.

For most of the teens I know, this means that they need to get more financial aid from colleges, or that they have to give up driving their own car around. It’s also been tough for us in the job market. Most of my friends are unemployed, not because they want to be, but because it’s freaking hard to get a job.

So, I think it’s really important for parents and kids to talk about money issues in the family. Money affects way more than just the parents, and “mom” is totally right - kids imagine the worst. So, be honest with them.

Lauren, guest teen blogger

Many teens are worried about their family and the situations they’re in. The teens that are only thinking about designer jeans probably have enough money that they’re not feeling the crisis going on. So most teens aren’t thinking about it in a selfish way, but teens are feeling it and worrying . Parents who aren’t letting their kids know, are certainly upsetting their teens. As a teenager, I know that a lot of the time we pick up on our parents’ and other people’s emotions when they think there hiding them well. Parents think that kids not knowing they’re stressed about things will keep their teens less stressed, but really it’s exactly the opposite. So parent’s make sure your teens understand your current situation with money.

Personally I’m hearing that money is tight on daily basis. We don’t need to be reminded when it’s not at that moment relevant. It can be upsetting to hear so often how stressed parents are. Also the stress for parents seems to carry over to more than just money. It makes parents stressed about work and life in general. It can make them stressed about things that have never been a big deal before. So you have to find a happy medium. You need to let your teens know about your current situation but don’t make your money situation a huge part of your teen’s life.

Brad, the “dad”

Talking about money has always been a balancing act around our house. My wife comes from a well-off household where she never really wanted for anything, including a college education, and they never talked about money. I came from a small-biz lower-middle-class household where there was virtually no extra cash ever, at all, especially for college…and we never talked about money, either. So we decided from the beginning that we would be open about our finances, whether the news was good or bad.

Easier said than done. The hard part is keeping them apprised in an age-appropriate way without scaring the heck out of them when you have to say, “We can’t afford that,” or “we really can’t pay all the bills this month.” The trick is keeping them in the loop, but going light on the details…and always giving them a sense of hope for the future, even when you’re not necessarily feeling that way.

On the one hand, the girls have responded with wonderful strength and resilience throughout our years of economic roller-coastering, and I think it’s made them far more realistic about the world, and far more appreciative of every dollar we have, without being fearful. On the other hand, I feel constantly guilty – truly, deeply guilty – that we haven’t been able to give them whatever they wanted without worrying about the cost. ‘Cause part of me says that’s what Dads are supposed to do (even if it’s not all that healthy for the kids).

My advice: be honest, but tread lightly. And don’t underestimate your kids: they understand a lot more than you realize they do, and they can handle a lot more than you imagine. And yes, absolutely: if you don’t let them know what’s going on, they will almost certainly assume the worst. So talk, already. And teach them how to balance a checkbook!

Lauren, guest teen blogger

It’s the beginning of eighth grade and everyone seems to be talking about high school. The teachers are all talking about how different high school will be and that no one will be there to “hold our hands”. The high school fair is coming up where schools in the area come to talk to us. But, most of all it’s the students talking about which high school they plan to attend. Our town doesn’t have our own high school, so we send to another school in a neighboring town. I think because of that, many students feel they want to attend private schools or at least not the public school our district feeds to. Around here there are some other good options. We have many different county schools that are free and a great education, but there you lack the normal high school experience and you need to be willing to specialize. There’s a county school that’s great for technology, one for if you want to be a doctor, one for marine and ocean sciences, and several more. Then, there are the extremely competitive, private, non-religious schools, which cost a fortune. Finally, there are catholic schools that aren’t really such great schools and are pretty expensive. Those are the main schools other than the public school that students attend.

So the question is “why does it seem to be such a hard decision?” For many girls, I think they may be intimidated by the big public high school which is also fed into by another school where the kids seem to be a bit tougher. Since my brother is already attending, I’m not that worried about that. So, for me, it’s either the standard public high school or this county school for technology. I want the “normal high school experience”, but the technology school offers a great education (for free!) and I’m really interested in what they have to offer. So what do you guys think about the high school decision?

Rach, the “teen”

First let me tell you this: the teachers who tell you that high school is different (read: way hard), those teachers are lying to you. Freshman year is all about teachers helping you. Being a freshman is kind of like being in a big prep class for the rest of high school. Unless you’re planning on taking all AP classes, you’ll be fine. High school isn’t as hard as they say.

When it comes to specialized high schools, I think they are a terrible idea. Like, fantastically bad. That is, when I was 13, and going into high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be. At least, I would certainly not have expected to be interested in so many things. I think specializing that early is bad for the majority of kids.

Think of it like this, when I was nine, I wanted to be an astronaut. At 15, I desperately wanted to be an artist. Now, at 18, I have no idea what I want from my life. When you were nine, what did you want to be? If you choose the specialized school, you get a very specific education that may fit in with what you want now, but it might or might not fit in with what you want later. Like me and being an astronaut, I would have been seriously regretting that decision now, had I chosen then to go into science. Or into a specialized art school at 15. Rounded is good.

So, right now you’ve got to choose between a classic high school experience and one that is more fitted to what you might want in a career. If you were my real sister, I would encourage you to go for the public school.

Brad, the “dad”

Way, way, way back in the Triassic when I went to high school, there wasn’t any choice at all. There was the public high school nearest to you – no intradistrict transfers back then, let me tell you – and there was the Catholic high school that was for actual Catholics. But now? For both my daughters, we had to struggle with far too many choices, and that’s not unusual. So welcome to the party, Lauren. Sorry.

I have to agree with Rach here: a lot of the scare-talk about how different and huge and terrifying high school will be is exactly that: scare-talk. Only those afflicted with genius or obsession should even think about single-subject schools (and that’s a much, much smaller group than you think. P.S. You’re not one of them). On the other hand, the idea of a “real high school experience” is equally fantastical. Our li’l ones went (are going) to a project-based high school that’s far from home and has only about 400 kids, and we agonized about the same thing: will they get a “real” high school experience in such a small, non-neighborhood-y place? And it’s true, there isn’t a cheerleading squad or a CIF football team there, but The Girls didn’t suffer (they wouldn’t have been cheerleaders or quarterbacks anyway); today they are socially well-adjusted, and so far there’s been no difficulty in getting into college. So what is a “real high school experience,” anyway? My observation? It’s the one you have, not the one you see on TV or other people tell you about (that, after all, is their “real high school experience”).

My advice: ask everybody you know, with kids in and recently out of high school, for recommendations. If you’re lucky, there will be some options within your public school district. But check out charter schools, open-enrollment church-based schools, any private schools you can honestly afford. You’ll find that almost all of them offer you a chance to “shadow” a current student for a full day – not just to go on a tour and get a sales pitch, but to actually attend classes, hang out at lunch, talk to the current students. (And if they don’t offer that kind of access…cross them off the list.) Then choose the one (or ones – options, always options!) that ‘feels’ the most comfortable.

And most important of all: don’t worry about it, no matter what those icky grown-ups and teachers say. The experience you’ll have in high school will have as much to do with you, and how you approach it, as it does with the school itself…and if you go in next Fall determined to enjoy yourself, learn what you can, and move on to college in a few years, you’ll be fine. In fact, you’ll be great.

Rach, the “teen”

My hall has had five kids go to the hospital in the first six weeks of college. Everyone who lives on this hall is underage. Still, every weekend a group of us meet in the common room and we all walk together to the frat that’s having the best party. Clearly, underage drinking is a problem on my campus. But we’re not alone, this happens at almost every college.

We have had lots and lots of meetings and assemblies on how to take care of a drunk person, the signs of alcohol poisoning and when it’s time to call 911. But we haven’t had a single meeting on how to drink responsibly. This bothers me, not everyone experiments, but those who do, are not told how to manage them selves. Those who don’t drink are taught how to manage the drunk kids. Besides being unfair, this sucks for those of us who want to be responsible.

I’m angry that I went to a school that has greek life and a partying culture. The thing is, a lot of college presidents want to lower the drinking age. The president of my college isn’t on that list. He might or might not want to lower the age, I don’t know. But what I do know, is that drinking is a huge culture at my college, and yet the frats and sports houses are open every weekend letting freshman in. And that makes me regret my decision to come here. To be honest, the fact that there was Greek life here had no effect on my decision, I didn’t even think about it.

So “mom” and “dad,” what do you think about the drinking age, the college presidents who want to lower it, and schools that have such a huge culture of drinking?

Mary, the “mom”

I have such mixed emotions about this.

I wonder why your college spends time teaching about how to take care of a drunk person instead of how to drink responsibly. I expect that their lawyers tell them that it’s unacceptable to lecturing on how to drink responsibly to an audience of students for whom drinking is illegal. That’s a shame, given the reality.

I wonder if those kids would drink so much if it wasn’t taboo – if there was a pub and having a beer or two was no big deal. Maybe the “greeks” still would, but at least the rest of you would have something else to do on the weekend.

I wonder how “we” can let an 18-year-old risk their life serving in the military, but not allow them a beer.

I wonder how “we” can consider 17-year-olds old enough to marry and have a child, but not old enough to toast with a glass of champagne. (Of course, alcohol may well be how they got in the mess in the first place and, given the pregnancy, they shouldn’t be toasting anyway.)

I wonder how “our” system could actually charge nice kids like you with a crime if the authorities caught you having a beer with your friends.

Then I read what Stephen Wallace, Chairman of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) has to say on the issue and I think my wonderings are outdated. I was in high school (17 years old) at the time when the states were raising the drinking age. Having grown up with the drinking age being 18, I resented the change. I guess I still harbor that teenage resentment. But, as a parent, I have to take Mr. Wallace seriously. His statistics are eye-opening. The driving fatalities stat is the one that bothers me the most. The thing is, even if you trust your own kid to not drive drunk, what about everyone else on the roads? And, there is no way I think high school kids should be drinking and the lower the drinking age, the easier access to alcohol becomes for the high school set.

So, while I have some reservations about it, I think the legal drinking age needs to stay where it is. And, bottom line, I have trouble believing that this effort is going to get any real traction. As, for the culture of drinking, I have no idea how we fix that – maybe I’ll ponder it over a glass of wine later.

Brad, the “dad”

Really interesting, Rachel – and really disturbing. Because the Valkyrie came home from college just this weekend and told me about the three boys that live right across the hall from her in their co-ed dorm, and how two of them are drunk pretty much all the time, and the third about half the time. And that’s not really very unusual in college c. 2008, she tells me. La, la.

So I’m worried.Plenty worried.

I have to be honest: I was a pretty enthusiastic drinker in my twenties (post-college in my case, but so what?), and boy howdy, I was good at it. Lots of parties, and lots of stupid decisions. Inexplicably, I survived, and for some reason I lost the ability to function with alcohol in my system right around the age of 30 – apparently I’d used of all my Get Out of Hangover Free cards in less than a decade – so alcohol was a relatively rare thing in our house by the time the Valk and the Elf came along (they actually don’t believe my “back when I was drinking like a fish” stories; that’s just not me, they say.). But I know how easy it is to fall into, even for smart and stable kids; Frankly, I know how much fun it can be – at first, when you’re young and bullet-proof. So yeah: it worries me.

But the Valk’s college isn’t quite like yours. The Chancellor has openly, repeatedly stated that he’s against lowering the drinking age – he thinks it’s just a ploy to avoid taking responsibility – and a big part of the school’s (apparently highly ineffective) orientation program was about not drinking, as well as dealing with the drunks you’d run into. They’re trying to cope by putting policies into place that aren’t quite ‘zero tolerance’ – and I agree with them, I think zero tolerance is a stupid, modern-day variation on Prohibition, and doomed from the outset . But they have already suspended one kid (for a first-night-at-college binge that resulted in alcohol poisoning) and said “Al-A-Teen or expulsion” to two others (including one of the guys across the hall) in her dorm alone.  And AA has meetings right on campus, every night.  What’s more, the RA’s have no trouble confronting the drinkers directly, and the Valk swears that these drinking kids, and others like them, are being ostracized from most activities. Binging is hugely popular with a small group, it seems, but avoided and even shunned by the majority — including, by the way, the majority of Greeks on campus.

So she says. And so I believe. Because I have absolutely no alternative but to trust she’s not into it. After all, at this distance, there’s nothing I can do. And as for changing the culture that says, “Drinking until you’re so hammered you throw up and fall over in your own sick is FUN!”…heck, I don’t know how it got to that point in the first place, so how can it be fixed? We just have to shiver in our jammies and hope that even the semi-healthy students will see just how dangerous and stupid binge drinking is, and take a step back into the Land of the Occasional Beer.

But truthfully? Confidence is low, Ground Control. Confidence is low.

Mary, the “mom”

My thirteen-year-old daughter recently observed that she and her friends are much more aware of the current presidential election than she remembered being four years ago.  She follows the news and the polls, and watched the debate.  She wondered whether this increased level of interest was just because they were older (although her sister who is four year’s younger is pretty aware), or perhaps a result of a Social Studies teacher they all had in seventh grade who really brought politics to life.  While I’m sure both of those points are relevant, I think this election has everyone a bit more engaged than in recent years.

First, there’s the historic composition of the tickets – the first African American man to be the presidential nominee of a major party the first woman to be the Republican vice-presidential nominee.  As many have pointed out, whichever part wins, this election makes history. Second, I think, is the theme of “Change”.  This is a concept teens can really relate to.  Finally, I think it’s the way the internet has changed how the candidates interact with the public.  The campaigns both have Facebook and MySpace pages and appear regularly on YouTube, a surefire way to reach young audiences.

I think it’s wonderful that these young teens are following the election and educating themselves about the issues.  My daughter won’t be quite old enough to vote in the next presidential election, but if she stays this engaged, by the time she is old enough to vote, she should be quite an educated voter. 

So, Rach, are you into this election?  “Dad”, are your daughters following it closely?  What about the rest of you, do you find your kids more engaged in the political process than in the past?

Rach, the “teen”

I’m pretty invested in this election. I credit this to the fact that I am old enough to vote. I voted in the primaries, and I plan to vote in the presidential election. The last election, the one in ‘04 (when I was 13), had little effect on me. I had no real feelings about the whole thing. It seemed silly that young teens would be so invested in something that essentially had no effect on them at all.

The thing is, when I was thirteen, I was forming strong opinions on things that didn’t seem political to me at the time. I thought politics was all economy and oil prices and attacks on our country. I think being politically involved as a young teen is awesome, as long as your political opinions and views are your own. And not a mirror of what your parents, or what your society says.

Anyway, now that I can vote, I am much more interested, because I’m realizing that this really effects me. My health, my education, and my human rights are all on the line. And that’s a scary thought, knowing that I am in charge of me, and my voice won’t be heard unless I stay active in politics.

Brad, the “dad”

As a long-time political junkie (my own father was actually a local politician when I was in my teens), I’m actually a bit disappointed: neither the Valkyrie at 17 or the Elf at 14 are particularly interested in THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.  I suspect it’s a bit of typical parental backlash: Dad and Mom are SO into it, the girls are already bored by it before it begins.  This is further enhanced — or dis-enhanced — by some bad birth-luck: The Valkyrie turns 18 literally the day after the election, so she can’t vote, and — particularly with so much else going on during her first month in college — she just can’t get herself interested.

The funny thing is, they’ve both made up their minds — they made them up a long time ago.  It’s not that they don’t appreciate the importance of the election (though the Elf has told me that if I say, “Hey!  You’re witnessing history here, damn it!” one more time, she will kick me in the shins.); it’s just that — among their peers, anyway — it’s virtually a foregone conclusion, and entirely non-historic.  Mixed-race candidate?  They have friends that look like Obama.  Women running on the ticket?  Mom may be bursting with pride, but their reaction is basically, “Well, duh, what did you expect?”

I find this oddly encouraging.  What seems to revolutionary to old fogies like me is just business-as-usual to them.  Of course there will be African Americans in high office (Los Angeles has a Latino mayor, after all, as the Valk pointed out to me recently, so what is the big deal?).  And of course there will be women in the White House sooner rather than later.  And the fact that they see it as more than just inevitable — as what already is – actually gives me hope for the future. 

Maybe this tale is already told.  Maybe the ‘change’ we’re all so eager for, regardless of your party affiliation, has, in fact, already happened in the hearts and minds of our children…and we just haven’t noticed yet.

Now that’s the kind of change I can believe in.

Brad, the “dad”

The Elf is having a great time in her first month as a high school student. She’s even made a good new friend, and I’m happy about that – really I am. But just last week, at her first Back-to-School Night, I met the New Friend’s parents…

…and that’s when the trouble started.

I can’t stand them. Can’t STAND them. The way they treat their daughter, their opinions about the school, their politics – heck, their taste in clothing. From the moment I met them, it was one of those things, one of those vibes. I knew in an instant that this was not going to go well.

I managed to remain bland and non-committal throughout the conversation. I managed to dodge the invitation for a barbecue and I thank the gods of commuting that our carpool is already full. But here’s the question: how much should I trust the daughter? How much should I encourage (or discourage) this particular friendship? After all, if the parents are this repellent to me, how can they produce a truly healthy child? Shouldn’t I do my best to slowly, slowly ease the Elf away from this particular friend and towards someone more appropriate? More beneficial? Or at least one with parents I don’t want to throttle?

Or is it possible I’m just being a teeny bit selfish?

Mary, the “mom”

Don’t do it, “Dad”!  Don’t discourage.  Don’t ease the Elf away from New Friend.  Let it be.

First, as we’ve talked about here before, it’s generally not a good idea to try and tell your kids who to be friends with.  It often backfires.  If you believed the friend herself was a bad influence, I might condone trying to ”ease away”, but it doesn’t sound like this is the case.  On the other hand, you don’t have to encourage the friendship and you certainly shouldn’t subject yourself to her parents’ company, if you don’t want to.

Second, kids aren’t always a reflection of their parents.  Sometimes, as parents,this bothers us.  But, thinking about it from the perspective of the New Friend, I would have hated for someone to make judgments about me based upon their opinion of my father.  There is no way anyone could divine anything about my beliefs and values from my father’s politics or how he dressed or even how he talked to me.

So, my advice is don’t discourage the friendship, but don’t encourage it either.  And, try to give New Friend a chance.  Maybe the Elf sees something you don’t because you couldn’t see past her parents.

Rach, the “teen”

I agree with “Mom” - don’t ween your daughter off this friend. You taught the Elf well, so she should be able to judge if the friend is a good addition to her growing army of teenage girls. Likewise, if this friend turns out to be iffy, she’ll know how to break it off.

Anyway, my parental units don’t know any of my friends parents. It’s not hard to avoid the friends un-cool parents. And if you really don’t want your daughter to be influenced by the friends parents, that’s easy: just get the friend to always hang at your house, and insist on you picking them up and dropping them off. More driving for you, but it might be worth it.

Don’t forget, everyone has messed up parents. And no one deserves to be judged by what their families are like.