Mary, the “mom”

It’s that time again…time for back-to-school shopping. I don’t mean the new outfits my daughters just have to have. No, I mean the school supplies. It’s not so bad in our high school, but the amount of supplies required at the middle school is blowing me away this year.

I had a supply list for my fourth grader and I figured my other daughter, as a 13 year-old, eighth grader, could decide how she wanted to organize herself and select the appropriate materials. Which she did…and quite well, in my opinion. (One binder for her morning classes, one binder for afternoon classes and a separate small binder for French.) Then, a few days later, the letter arrives indicating the eighth grader’s home room assignment and a list of required supplies. It includes 8 ½ inches of binder! (That’s three - 2 inch binders, one - 1 ½ inch binder and one - 1 inch binder.) In addition she needs a three subject notebook and a marble composition notebook. I guess she’s going to be doing a lot of writing this year! Of course there are many other things on the list including index cards, post-its, mechanical pencils, pens, crayons!, and more.

Besides the issue of expense (this stuff really adds up!), and, besides the issue of wasted paper (how many years do they come home in June with three pages used in that marble composition book?), there’s the practical issue of how does a 5’ 2 1/2” (can’t forget the 1/2″!), 90 pound girl carry around 8 ½” of binder?

Is the supply list this big in your schools? Do you always follow the list? Or, do you just say “this is crazy” and buy what makes sense?

Rach, the “teen”

I hate binders. The last time I used one was in middle school, when all my teachers demanded that we have separate binders for every class (and they took off points if you didn’t have one). I think middle schoolers should be able to make their own choices about their supplies. And most middle schoolers are totally capable of doing that. But, there are those kids who stuff everything in their backpacks. The kids that don’t care about the papers, or the kids who just don’t know how to organize stuff. Those kids are incredibly common in middle and high school, and it makes sense that teachers want to correct that.

When it comes to carrying all that stuff around, there is a very simple solution. Getting quality backpacks and wearing them right. Getting a real backpack (not a tote bag, or or messenger bag), and wearing it with both straps will, all of a sudden, make all that stuff you have to carry seem a lot lighter.

Here’s another hint: it’s a back-pack, not a butt-pack. Wear it on your back, not bumping around on your butt.

Brad, the “dad”

Yes, I have tried my own little rebellion against the Paper Avalanche. I’ve even contacted teachers and said, “Look, I priced this out: you’re talking $150 if I buy everything every teacher is asking for. How about this idea instead…?” And I’ve had very, very little success. Most of the teachers just look at me like I’m from Jupiter for even suggesting a change to the lesson plan. The others shrug and then have the kids do their dirty work. The poor li’l girls have both come home teary-eyed on more than one occasion, convinced they will be flunked, flunked, if they don’t have EXACTLY the right three-ring two-inch double-pocket, lime-green, slip-covered binder that EVERYbody has.

And trust me, you want to have real fun, get your kid into a “project-based” school. There were times, I swear, when “project-based” seemed to mean little more than “spend another $50 on art supplies, binders, presentation boards, Styrofoam, and other stuff you thought you’d stopped buying when your kids got out of elementary-school art class.” They know me by name at Michael’s Art Supplies. I think they jack up the prices when they see me hit the parking lot.

My only line of defense: we stockpile like a son-of-a-gun. I scan the school-supply-and-stationery ads every week like a hawk hunting a bunny, and if anybody’s putting three-ring binders, notebook paper, gel-pens or pipe cleaners on sale, I am there. I’ve even been known to stop by the local stationery chain when it looms large in the windshield just to dredge through the “clearance” bin. And we’ve reserved a large chunk of closet space for inventory. We also have a standing rule: throw NO school supplies away until Dad’s had a chance to forage for re-useables (like the binder that’s broken after a week but has an inch thick of PERFECTLY USEABLE paper inside.)

Does it really save us much money, especially given the time Daddy spends harvesting staples? Probably not. But it does make me feel better – the illusion of control over one of the many leaks in the financial pipe that defines Parenting: The Teen Years.

Rach, the “teen”

A few years ago I tried to get my parents into being conscious about our footprint. It didn’t work, we all used the recycling as another smaller trash can, I felt bad, told everyone that recycling was for hippies, and gave up. Of course, my dad just recently got into recycling. Actually, we got into it because the people who lived in our house before we moved in left their recycling bin here. So, we started washing out containers, packaging up old newspapers and even crushing soda cans to make more space.

Now that we have the special blue bin everything seems different. The whole family is more environmentally aware. It’s great! One day we all just started really caring about our environment. No one ever taught us to be aware, I guess the fact that our planet is filling with garbage really scared us. So, does your family recycle? And how have you taught your kids about being environmentally responsible in a world that is so used to wasting?

Mary, the “mom”

Recycling has been required by law around here for a long time - probably twenty years. So, my kids haven’t known a time when there wasn’t a separate can for tossing recyclables. It’s not something we talk about all that much, it’s just how it is.

Now and again, the school will do a lesson focused on recycling and one of the kids will come home all “gung-ho” to do more. They’ll double check the codes on the bottom of plastic containers I throw away. However, this enthusiasm doesn’t extend to taking shorter showers or bringing empty shampoo bottles downstairs to put in the recycling bin. Actually, come to think of it, they don’t even bother to take the empty shampoo bottle out of the shower, but that’s a separate issue.

I’ll admit to having been lazy about recycling certain things. Is it really worth all the water you use to clean out the peanut butter jar? But just this year, on Earth Day, I saw a segment on a morning show with a recycling specialist who said you don’t have to wash out the jars. How liberating!

Lately, I’ve been noticing more and more canvas bags at the grocery store. At first, my reaction was “what a hassle!” However, I am now starting to realize just how many little plastic bags I bring home from the various stores and I think canvas bags may be the next frontier for us in recycling. Maybe I’ll have more success with that than the shorter shower thing!

Brad, the “dad”

Hey, I’m in California. We invented recycling. I’m sitting here right now looking at the bags and bags of hard plastic vs. soft plastic vs. colored glass vs. shiny paper vs. blahdeblahdeblah that is part and parcel of L.A. Life in this century. And this is a good thing.

But me personally? I’m over it. Or rather, past it. We’ve recently focused the family on a different, oft-neglected part of the “recycle, reuse, reduce” mantra. I’m convinced we are simply buying too much stuff wrapped in too much other stuff, and it has to stop. If the container can’t be crumpled up into a fraction of its original size – assuming it won’t simply rot away – I say it ain’t comin’ in here. Because I’m sick to death of hauling all this crap to the recycle bins.

I’ve recently changed produce markets because my favorite place puts a lot of its soft fruits in plastic boxes. And I don’t want plastic boxes. We’ve pretty much stopped buying any prepared or frozen foods, with a few notable exceptions. (Frozen bananas and peas. Frozen peas, my friends, are a gift from God.) No more bottled water – which was already a rip-off – and juices in cartons not cans (eww! Cans!) or glass. I’m even buying rice and flour in bulk and putting it in good ol’ fashioned Mason Jars, just like Grammy use’ta. Boxes, boil-in-a-bag and plastic wrap is so 1900’s, don’t you think?

Point is: we’re concentrating on using less, buying more wisely, and eating fresh and local whenever possible, so that recycling – as important as it is, and it is – isn’t the only thing we do to feel good about begin green; it’s merely the first thing.

Here endeth the sermon for the day.

Mary, the “mom”

It’s started. The search for the perfect college for my son. One that has a good reputation, but not so good that he can’t get in. One that is fun for him, but not too fun (for us). One that is far enough away that he feels as though he’s gone away, but not too far (for me). Other considerations for him are good food in the cafeteria, decent dorms, sports teams he can get excited about, a high ratio of girls to boys, and lest I forget, courses in his area of academic interest. Other considerations for us are tuition costs, tuition costs, and tuition costs.

As we start to look at various schools it has become apparent that he could probably be quite happy at any number of them. So, how does one decide? Rach, how did you decide where you wanted to go to college? “Dad”, how did the Valkyrie decide? Any suggestions for us?

Rach, the “teen”

Looking for colleges was the easiest part of “the process.” Lucky for me, my high school has a service called Naviance - it’s a web based program that helps students find colleges. You enter a lot of data about what you want - majors, location, ratio of girls and boys, sports teams, everything, it even lets you enter your test scores and gives you a little map that shows how likely it is that you’re going to be accepted. Despite what the map said, I applied to eight very competitive schools. Only one of which was not on the east coast (I like it here).

Deciding on a college was the hardest thing about “the process.” I was accepted to four, waitlisted at two, and rejected at two. The schools I was accepted to were great, but when I visited they didn’t seem right. The two schools that did feel right were, of course, one that I had been waitlisted on and one that had flat out rejected me (I cried for two hours when I got the little envelope). And so I wrote the most important email of my life, telling the waitlist school that I still really wanted to be there. The next day I got a phone call telling me that that email got me accepted (best day ever!).

So, you guys are in for it. My parents drove me to many a college, and were part of the process at all times. They were all kinds of moral support when I was writing essays (write them now, not later), and sending applications, and getting big and small envelopes back. My one word of advice is, start filling out applications in September, no matter when the deadline is. In the end, I chose what college felt right. I made a pro-con list of schools, but it was really the gut feeling that lead me to my final decision.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, “Mom,” we did pretty much what you’re already doing. First we talked with the Valk about what she seriously would like to study in depth …and it was amazing how many of her areas of interest withered under the heat-lamp of four long years. That discussion included what the heck she was planning to do with all of this passionately acquired knowledge when it came to, y’know, like, a job. Because as fun as we wanted college to be, we made it clear: this wasn’t going to be a 48-month all-expenses-paid vacation. Not at these prices.

Once that was done, we pulled out a map and decided how wide the circle would be. We live in Southern California; so our contention was that she could choose just about any field and find a top-flight school that taught that subject somewhere in our half of the state. Within our home town was too close, but two towns over was okay. More than three hours driving distance was too far, but she could manage about 200 miles because Grandma had given her a used car for graduation. Farther than that and it would be too hard to come home and do laundry on the weekends, she said. And then, after a moment, she added, “Oh, and to see you, of course.” Once we had drawn the “doughnut,” we started studying up on what schools fell within that circle.

What we didn’t do was add many other restrictions at this early stage. Private college, state colleges, state universities …didn’t matter. It just mattered that we get a clean list of eight (an arbitrary number) or more colleges “inside the circle” that could give her a good and applicable education. We got that list by flogging the Internet, reading a bunch of current-edition books standing up and reading fast in the local Borders or Barnes & Noble). And when we’d narrowed the list somewhat, we started asking friends, colleagues, co-workers, and relatives, if they knew anybody who had attended one of our ‘candidate’ schools. Maybe because our ‘doughnut’ was relatively local, we had a high hit-rate. And THEN, when the list was narrowed down to four…the visits, the tours, the talk about cost. And by the way, “Mom,” speaking of cost, private schools and state schools may or may not be more affordable than you think; don’t jump to conclusions.

Oh, and good luck! Because this is actually the fun part. It gets really rough a few months from now, after you’ve made your decisions…when you have to start actually applying to the schools of your choice. But that’s a whole different subject.

Rach, the “teen”

In thirty-eight days I will be moving my stuff into a college dorm room. In thirty-nine days I will totally be freaking out, because, oh my god, I’m in college.

I’m pretty worried about it, the whole college thing. It’s not the roommate, the food, the classes or the friends, and it’s not being on my own. I don’t know what’s been making me so anxious. I’ve asked my other college-bound friends and they don’t really seem to know either. Some of them have specific fears, and some of us are just having general “wow, college” fears.

High school was good for me; things went pretty smoothly all around - and I’m expecting college to be completely different. So, what are the biggest differences between high school and college, and how did you deal with the transition and all the worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Oh Rach, first of all, it’s flattering that you think I still remember anything from so long ago!

But, seriously, I really do feel for you. It’s so exciting and so scary.

I do remember being so excited to be independent but feeling forlorn when my mother left me at school the first time. It didn’t last long. Everyone was in the same boat and it was easy to make friends.

I was very anxious about the classes, thinking I had coasted through high school and now it was going to be really hard. I just made up my mind to work hard and not fall behind in my classes and it worked. These days, virtually no one can coast through high school, so I’m sure you’ve already learned the good study habits that will make that transition smooth. Not to get off track here, but, this is where I worry about my son and whether my tendency to micro-manage helps or hinders him learning good study habits. (Note to self, really gotta reign that in this year.)

Change is never easy. No matter how happy you are about it, it still takes you out of your comfort zone. So, I think a little bit of anxiety is normal and healthy. I think I’d be more concerned about you going off to college if you weren’t somewhat anxious!

Brad, the “dad”

Okay, first thing, Rach: don’t go, don’t do it, you’ll break your father’s heart.

That being said …

Y’know, in this crazy world, there are some very important things you can foresee, expect, prepare for and anticipate… but for which you will never really be ready. Marriage is one of them. Parenthood is another. And so is going off to college.

Here in SoCal, we’ve decided to plan the essentials only – your basic ‘food, clothing, shelter’ necessities — and let the rest of fall into place as we go along…since that’s the way it’s going to happen anyway, no matter how much we try to avoid the unknown. But all will be well. For one thing, it sounds like you – like the Valkyrie – will be living in a dorm, which is kind of a pleasantly transitional ‘half-life’ between the The Family Home and The Real World. Take advantage of that. Heck, cling to that. For a while, at least, you don’t have to worry about shopping for food or making meals or paying utilities or even doing much of your own clean-up, and your laundry room is just down the hall. This is a good thing.

And don’t be too worried. Living with a couple of other girls off a noisy hallway filled with other girls (and if there are boys? Do not tell your parents!) will even keep the dreaded Boogeyman of Homesickness at bay…most of the time, There is going to be a ton to do, way too much to do, and if you’re like most college kids you’ll be way too busy to feel bad, Besides, when and if you do, well, that’s why the Gods of Going Off To College invented the cell phone. Use it. There is no shame in a midnight call to Mom, even for the most trivial, non-specific reason. In fact, she’ll love you for it.

So my advice, such as it is, is to do a little prep, a little planning. Don’t go in blind and blithery like I did back in the Jurassic, when college was just a couple of caves over and we did our homework on wax tablets. But just as important, don’t overplan. Right now, being flexible, happily going with the flow, is almost more important than being prepared. ‘Cause kid, trust me on this, no matter how prepared you think you are… you will never, ever be ready. At some point, it’s just time to close your eyes, hold your nose, and jump.

And believe me, you’ll love it

Mary, the “mom”

I recently had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend. She was telling me about her thirteen-year-old daughter having a boyfriend. A boyfriend she’s been “going out” with for eight months now. A boyfriend they have accepted and even welcomed into their home and family. It was clear she has grudgingly accepted the fact that her daughter is growing up, and fast. But she wasn’t exactly happy about it.

My response was, “Well, what choices do you have? If you forbid it, you just set the stage for her to lie and sneak around in order to see this boy. This way, you’re aware of what’s going on and in a position to supervise.” My friend agreed but told me that most of her other friends felt differently. They thought she was crazy to allow this relationship to go on.

It’s easy for me to spout my theory when it’s just that - a theory. I do have a thirteen-year-old daughter, but there is no boyfriend on the horizon. So, “dad” how did you handle the boyfriend issue with your daughters? Rach, what’s your take on it?

Rach, the “teen”

My parents never forbid me from seeing anyone. At 11 they drove me to see my first boyfriend. At 15 they allowed me to date a senior in high school. And at 18 they seem happy to see me dating the boy whose been chasing me.

I think parents should always be supportive. Parents who forbid their kids from seeing someone, or dating till a certain age are asking for their kid to lie to them. Parents who disapprove of a certain person should say something or set boundaries, forbidding isn’t an effective way to stop a behavior.

When I was fourteen, my best friends mom forbid him from seeing or speaking to me. His mom said I was a bad influence, and my parents were shocked but they stayed out of it. We got around the ban (by meeting at mutual friends houses and talking by email), but it was incredibly hard. Being banned from a best friend is terrible, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be banned from a boyfriend.

Brad, the “dad”

I’m sorry, what is this ‘boyfriend’ thing of which you speak? As we all know, the standard practice for Dads when it comes to dating daughters is to stick one’s fingers in one’s ears and go “la la la la” until Mom handles it.

So far, we have dodged this particular bullet – our daughters have both decided, pretty much on their own, that they’re not ready for boyfriends yet, though with the Valkyrie heading off to college in mere weeks, I know that’s going to change way too soon. We did have this problem with a “bad influence” friend and Rachel is right: it’s virtually impossible, given the wide range of activities and low level of supervision, to really “ban” anybody, at any teen-like age. If the Valk or the Elf wants to see somebody – romantically or otherwise – we parents would be foolish to think we could absolutely prevent it.

Still…I think that even if they would never admit it or show it, our kids really do want our approval and respect. So when we’ve dealt with less-than-perfect friends, we’ve let our daughter know directly – and privately, not in front of sibs or other friends – that we don’t really like the Kid in Question. And we tell her why. In some instances, it’s actually made her re-think the liaison. In others, she’s disagreed. Strenuously. Even tearfully. And I have to admit, in a couple of cases the girl was right and we were wrong: the Kid in Question wasn’t so bad after all. We also found in one crucial case that bringing in a respected third party – an older sister, an older, long-time friend or relative – who could say basically what we would have said, but without the “parent thing” wrapped around it, did a world of good. The girls actually heard the message rather than raged at the messenger, and backed away from a potentially bad situation.

I am clinging to the idea that our daughters’ judgment is already good enough to keep them from making really bad mistakes about men. But this is the real world and the 21^st century, and chances are they’ll get hurt. After we’ve done our best – limited though it may be – to protect them, our real job as parents of teens and adults is to accept what we couldn’t prevent and help them heal. Not the funnest part of the gig, but there you go.

Read Teen Friendships.

Brad, the “dad”

I was just watching an episode of The Simpsons when I should have been doing something worthwhile, but it did bring up an interesting question. Bart had done something bad – you know, the usual: blowing up the house, destroying Springfield, changing history so that Hitler won the war, something bad – and his mother said, “Bart, if you do that again, I’m going to delete all the saved games from your Xbox 360!” and the little twerp gave out a genuine scream of horror. “You can’t do that!” he wailed, and Marge said, “Oh, yes, I can! I know how since reading this!” and she whips out a copy of a magazine with the intriguing name of New Punishment. Not two minutes later he does something else awful and she says, “One more time, Bart, and I erase all the customized ringtones you downloaded!” and he’s even more panicky.

So here’s the two-part question: when your kids get to be That Certain Age, where the old ‘kid’ punishments don’t have the same “oomph” they used to…what “new punishments” seem to make them sit up and take notice? Loss of computer privileges? Loss of the car? Gool ol’ grounding? What works – and doesn’t work – for y’all?

Or are you more like me? Has it happened that, as the li’l ones have gotten not-so-li’l, the whole concept of punishment has lots its power? It sure has at our house. Our teens already know when they’ve done something wrong, and in the rare instances when they actually get caught before they confess, they’re already beaten themselves up far more than I could. And what little clout my disapproval may have works better now if I simply express it as, well, disapproval. Or deep, grim concern. They do all the work.

Besides, “punishing” my 17-year-old seems almost…I don’t know, quaint now, not to mention a little unethical (I mean, she’s making the insurance payments and buying gas for her car now…am I even allowed to say she can’t drive? Is that fair?) I’m happy that they seem to have become their own behavioral regulators – I guess – or am I just kidding myself? How would I kick-start the Great Karmic Engine if I had to?

Mary, the “mom”

Hmm…new punishment. I have to say, I like the hi-tech angle. But, only because I’d get a kick out of having something new to lord over them!

Realistically, I don’t really do a whole lot of punishing. Thankfully, there haven’t been a lot of behaviors to punish. But, when my kids were younger and punishment more frequent, I was always big on natural consequences.

So, in my kids’ lives today that translates to things like: “You didn’t bathe the dogs/water the flowers when you were supposed to, so now you’re going to have to do that instead of going bowling/to the mall.” Or: “You went over on your cell phone minutes, so pay up!” Or: “You’ve lied to me and now you’re going to have to work to prove that I can trust you, so in the meantime, I’m going to be checking up on you in ways that you consider an invasion of privacy.”

My son doesn’t have his license yet, but I suppose the only way I’d take away the car was if he had been driving irresponsibly. If you don’t drive responsibly, the natural consequence, in my mind, would be losing the privilege of driving. I can’t envision taking away the car as punishment for some unrelated infraction. And, I imagine, like so many other punishments I do sometimes consider, I’d just be punishing myself because then I’d have to drive him where he had to go!

I guess I’d better hope that the luck we’ve had continues, because it appears that I don’t have a whole lot of punishment options up my sleeve. Although, my daughter would freak if I threatened to delete those ringtones!

Rach, the “teen”

What sort of new punishments can parents use on high-tech teens? I don’t think you need new punishments. If a teen is misusing the family car, then you have a right to put some restrictions on it. If the kid isn’t doing chores don’t let them go out (or watch teevee, use the computer or whatever) until everything is done. It seems pretty simple to me. Like what mom said, natural consequences work.

They do get tricky and there are exceptions to punishment norms. If she’s paying for the car, and misusing it – it’s unethical to take it away. So, that’s when you impose a stricter curfew, or a limit to how much she can use it per week or something. And if they bought those ringtones, video games or whatever – then you’ve got to limit their use in some other way, but deleting their stuff is mean.

I love the Simpsons, and it’s interesting how the show got you thinking about “modern day” punishments. I mean, grounding is harder to enforce because of the internet, cell phones and other electronics. But I guess it still works when there has been some major violation (I mean really major, grounding is only effective when it’s used to really convey a message).

Punishment isn’t really a thing in our family though – my parents always check to see how badly my brother and I feel about something before they even bring up punishing. That is - I lied to them, got caught, confessed and cried for two days (typical me), I wouldn’t get punished because that would be adding insult to injury. It’s all relative, I think.

Read Grounded! How to Make Discipline Work.

Rach, the “teen”

Sex education is a real issue in my mind. In four years of high school I’ve never had a sex education class. This bothers me because I feel like it is irresponsible for the schools (and the government) not to teach kids and teens about sex.

But, I didn’t feel like I had to worry, because when I was hitting puberty my parents did more than just “the talk” – they bought us books about everything. We had growing bodies books, we had books about differing sexualities, and we had books about the science of sex and pregnancy. But we did much more than read, we talked about what was ok in our family, and we discussed the issues relating to sex in the news. And this discussion never really ended, we still talk about these issued openly in my family.

I think what my parents did was great. Both my brother and I have grown up to be very responsible and safe about our sex lives. But I think teens that don’t get all the information from their parents are worse off, and this is where the schools should step in.

So, what do you think the school’s responsibility is for teaching sex education? And what information should be left to the parents to teach?

Mary, the “mom”

Rach, I agree, what your parents did was great! Parents need to talk to their children about sex and responsibility. Parents can offer so much more than a school sex education program because, while talking about sex and responsibility, parents can impart their values as well.

But I think these parental talks are most effective when supplemental to a formal sex education class. So, I do think schools have a responsibility to teach sex education and parents should be reinforcing those basic messages and adding their own perspectives and values. Like anything else we learn, repetition helps.

I know that the schools my children attend do teach sex education, but I’m not relying on that. For my older two, who already know the basics, I think these talks work best informally…maybe when prompted by something we watched together on TV or in response to the news my daughter heard about a 17 year-old “friend of a friend” who’s pregnant.

I try to use those opportunities to open the conversation and make my points. Like that 17 year old “friend of a friend” – she says it happened the first time. There’s definitely a lesson there!

Brad, the “dad”

Ahh, the ‘sex’ thing. Or as my daughters would say, “Oh my GOD, not that AGAIN!”

We’re in a particularly odd position here. The California public schools do teach something like sex ed, though it’s very brief and rather…hesitant? But for our girls, the real sex ed came from our church. The Unitarian Universalist Association has a carefully constructed multi-week curriculum called “Our Whole Lives” that covers the biology, the biochemistry, the ethics, the variations, the social context, all of it. And just to make it worse for our girls, they not only had to take it, they had to sit there while their parents taught it.

I wouldn’t suggest every parent go out and get training as a sex educator, but running the OWL program for a few years has taught me a few surprising things: One: most parents still don’t talk to their kids about sex. It still embarrasses them, no matter how wild they were when they were growing up. Two: For all the access to information, most kids still have a ton of misconceptions about everything from the likelihood of pregnancy to STD’s, so getting – and repeating – accurate information is always, always a good idea, no matter how much they groan. And Three: once the basics are laid down and nailed in place, casual conversations about sex – as “Mom” said, prompted by TV shows or commercials or real-world events – can be incredibly helpful, making sex important but not a Huge Deal, and still mysterious but not Secret. (You should have seen what kind of conversation Juno triggered around our house, and who ended up on which side. Weird…)

So, talk about it enough, through school or church or home to make casual conversation and reinforcement easy and frequent. Then when it gets serious – and it will, one day – everybody’s much for ready for it.

Though I admit I still get all icky inside when my wife says “masturbation” in front of the girls. Eww.

Mary, the “mom”

I look forward to the end of the school year almost as much as my kids do. First and foremost, I look forward to sleeping past 5:40 on weekdays. But I also look forward to a break from worrying about all the assignments, tests, projects etc. (I know they’re not my responsibility, so why would I worry? See my earlier posts about micro-managing and you’ll get the picture!) And, believe it or not, I actually enjoy spending time with my kids when everyone is relaxed, as opposed to the normal weekday routine where everyone, including me, is stressed out.

Okay, so today’s the last day, at least for my high school student. Now what? He should have a summer job, but he doesn’t yet. (See Rach’s post about her summer job dilemma and you’ll get the idea.) Regardless of how much I enjoy spending relaxed time with him, it won’t take long for the sleeping til noon and hanging around all day to get on my nerves.

So, I’ve explained to him that I will have a list of extra chores for him to do around the house until he gets a summer job. I fear that I’m about to trade nagging about school work for nagging about chores. Which, of course, is in addition to nagging about a summer job.

What are your kids doing this summer? How do you handle the sudden wealth of free time?

Rach, the “teen”

The post about the summer job really helped me. It got me more motivated, and more willing to really look. I knew I needed to get one, so I answered an advertisement, went in for an interview and got a summer job. I did it because sitting around the house listening to my parents nag was the last thing I wanted, and it’s the last thing your kids want to.

I think the first week of summer (right after school lets out) is a great time to sleep in late, hang out with friends and get all that classic summer stuff done. Then it’s time to work.

Last summer, my dad employed me (for minimum wage) to repaint two big benches we keep outside. It took me the entire summer, but it kept me busy. I think chores like that are good for middle and high school students. One or two big simple “around the house” chore they can do.

Paint something, plant a new garden, weekly “all house” cleanings. Something that they can do when they want (flexible hours), but for a certain amount of hours a week (say, 10), and something that they have to do (for the money, for the responsibility, for the drive to the mall you promised them).

It was hard painting those benches (yes, painting can be hard). But it was a good summer - because I made the rules about it. I got the work done, I felt responsible for the benches, and I got paid for it. With only a little nagging.

Brad, the “dad”

I guess I’m just the ol’ softy in the pack this time. Because I have seen how ridiculously hard the kidlings have been working this past year, on grades and friendships and special projects and community service, and I’m actually hearing myself saying, “Hey, it’s summer: take some time.”

Maybe I’m particularly easy on them this year because I can see the future. The Valkyrie will be heading off to college in exactly two months, and there’s a work-study gig and 13 units waiting for her there. The Elf will be starting at an academically demanding high school in just a little more than that – the same school her sister just escaped from – and, as she’s been saying herself, once she gets there the grades and extra-curricular stuff really start to count.

In some ways, this is the Last Great Summer for both of them. Adulthood, or a reasonable facsimile is just over the horizon. So if the Valk takes a month off (yeah, a month) to go road-tripping with her travelicious Mom, and the Elf spends a week or two (or three) doing little but sleeping in, going online and making art…okay. Just this once. Because from here on in, things are gonna get busier and more serious, and I want them to remember at least one more, one last, long, slow summer before the blitz begins.

Am I a fish in a barrel or what?

Read ParentingTeensOnline’s June Hot Topics for ideas for spending time with your teens this summer.

Brad, the “dad”

I’m sorry, I’m running late this week. I … I …

Excuse me, what were we talking about?

All I know is that last night my daughter graduated from high school, and I feel like somebody’s hit me in the head with a two-by-four.

What the heck just happened? There was a baby here just a minute ago. And I remember this cute little girl, couldn’t have been more than four, five years old, sitting in my lap. Then I looked away for just one minute, and suddenly there’s this beautiful, accomplished, confident Valkyrie walking down the aisle in her pretty green robe and mortarboard, picking up her high school diploma, making plans for a month-long road trip, going off to college – leaving. More than that, really – leaving me.

I know we’ve been planning this for months. It’s just that it happened so fast. All of it – the birth, the childhood, the school and Christmases and homework and birthdays and vacations and crises and partnerships and arguments and now…

I guess I didn’t expect quite so much melancholy to be mixed up with the pride and excitement. I didn’t expect to feel like the guy who’s left standing on the dock while the party ship begins to slowly, slowly sail away without me. Of course I’m proud of her. Of course I understand she’s not disappearing, she’s just going to college. I know she’s still my kid, but not a kid and…

Like I said: two-by-four.

I wonder what happens next?

Mary, the “mom”

No fair – you’re going to make me cry! Seriously!

I get this same feeling at every major event (preschool graduation, first day of kindergarten, middle school graduation, first day of high school) and some not so major - and often quite boring - events (2^nd grade concert, Brownie bridging ceremony, 5^th grade band concert…). You get the picture.

Sometime the feeling is positive, as in: “Wow, a few years ago I was worrying about packing a stroller, diapers and baby food for even the simplest outing. Now, they grab their iPods and we’re off. Yeah!” But mostly it’s of the nature of “where did the time go?”

I guess the trick is to remember how fast the time goes when I want to scream at them about the mess they made in the kitchen. Of course I never do remember til afterward when I feel bad – not that I always feel bad, just sometimes.

What’s next you wondered. Well, for me it’s that high school graduation you just went through. For you, I’m guessing college graduation. Maybe even a walk down the aisle eventually. Talk about a two-by-four! I guess those hits are going to keep coming. But, for now, Congratulations!

Rach, the “teen”

You haven’t been left on the dock. The boat won’t leave without you.

I graduated last week, and it’s scary thinking about what happens next. I know my parents are feeling melancholy about me (their “baby”) being done with high school, but, they know I’m not really leaving them. Sure, I’ll be at college, but I’ll never really be gone.

So, what happens next? I have no idea. But you’d better bet that my parents are coming with me on my boat, wherever it leads me.

Rach, the “teen”

Right now I’m looking for a summer job. Actually, I’ve been looking since December. That means, I’m putting in lots and lots of applications, and getting few replies (most of which are: you don’t have sales experience?).

My parents have been bugging me constantly everyday since January. “Get a job, you need money for college!” I know, of course I know I need pocket money for college and to take care of my breaking car.

So, my dilemmas this week are: how do I manage a summer job, and still have time for goofing off with my friends? And, how can I get my parents to stop bugging me? I am trying really hard to get a job and their incessant nagging isn’t helping.

Brad, the “dad”

Here’s the bad news, Rach: your parents aren’t going to stop bugging you until you get a gig. They might cut back just a bit if you’re lookin’ and lookin’ hard, but this is one of the nasty lessons of the Grown-Up World: good RESULTS matter more than good INTENTIONS.

I have only one bit of advice – the same I gave to the Valkyrie: have no fear or shame in asking friends, friends of family, your parents’ co-workers, your neighbors, anybody on your e-mail list, people at church or teachers a school, if they know anybody, anywhere, who’s hiring. Most folks would MUCH rather hire somebody that comes in on a recommendation, and everybody loves to be the one who did the hookin’ up. So don’t be shy or think you sound pathetic. You don’t. You sound like somebody who wants to work, and in this world that’s rare all by itself. And surprisingly enough, most people are ready and even eager to help.

Oh, and as for goofing off with friends? FUN, ain’t it? You’ll still have time for that when you’re NOT working (or sleeping or driving to and from work), and trust me, that time with them will mean even more when there’s precious little of it. The old “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone” thing. Again. Yet ANOTHER harsh lesson from Grown-up Land.

And congrats on graduating AND being responsible. You rock.

Mary, the “mom”

Well Rach, I’m glad I’m not the only parent nagging their teen about getting a summer job. As “dad” said, they aren’t going to stop the nagging until you get a job — or win the lottery. Since the odds of getting a summer job are much better, I’d stick with that.

Again, I’ll agree with “dad” — aren’t you lucky that your “parents” see “eye-to-eye” on so many things — take advantage of any connection you can. Connections are my son’s only hope of getting work this summer!

I’ll throw in two more pieces of advice. First, be confident! When they say you don’t have sales experience, assure them that the only way for you to get sales experience is for them to hire you and since you are so wonderful and mature as to blog for ParentingTeensOnline, surely they should take a chance on you. Second, don’t be picky! This summer job isn’t a lifetime commitment. Does it really have to be sales? Compromise. Work a farm stand. An ice cream shop. A daycare center.

Here’s another idea: Maybe you should check out ParentingTeensOnline’s Resource Listings on After-School and Seasonal Jobs for Teens.

Whatever you end up with, you’ll still find time for your friends and you’ll be grateful come Fall for that pocket money. Good luck!