Rach, the “teen”

I moved into college about two weeks ago. So far things are going well: I have lots of new friends on my hall, my classes all seems superbly interesting and I’ve been applying for some pretty cool campus jobs.

My dilemma this week is: how can I learn to manage working and playing with out losing my mind. That is, how can a teen living entirely independently for the first time learn to deal with studying and partying with out getting overwhelmed by either?

My HA (hall advisor) says it’s best to plan out entire days, have scheduled time for “fun” - but that’s not how fun works. Spontaneity is half the fun of, well, fun. I’m really worried that I won’t leave enough time for just hanging around, or that I’ll burn out and not get any of my work done. What did you do, and how can I get my parents help me out with this?

Mary, the “mom”

Wow, Rach! Great question and one that I wish I knew the answer to. I tend to be the kind of (uptight) person who has trouble having fun when there’s work hanging over my head. Don’t get me wrong, I like to kick back and relax and I like to have fun, but I like to get the work done first. Somehow I just can’t relax and enjoy when I know there something I should be doing. Or, in the case of a long term project, I need to know that I’m on track with it. Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly when this kicked in. I think it was when I went to college and was terrified of letting my work slip.

So, I guess my answer would be: do the work, and then go have fun or at least plan a set time to do the work before you go have fun. It doesn’t mean you can’t be spontaneous. It just means that when some fun opportunity interrupts your work, you need to decide whether you will have time to do the work later. Sometimes, the answer will be no and if that’s the case you should probably turn down the fun opportunity.

Learning this balancing act is at the heart of my concerns about letting my son manage his own workload versus me keeping on top of him about it. He’s got to learn to make these decisions on his own before he gets to college. On the other hand, the objective right now is to get him there.

Brad, the “dad”

My daughter The Elf is a tough li’l girl. At fourteen-going-on-forty, she has, over the last year, become the exact opposite of the emotional, sullen stereotype (except for the language. What a mouth that girl has…). But I think her hard-won maturity is working against her at the moment, and I feel absolutely unable to help.

She starts high school in a few days. And I can tell: she’s absolutely terrified. She’s not sleeping. She’s not eating. And this is a girl who loves to eat and sleep. Without end and with much enthusiasm. She did emerge at around four in the morning to very quietly confess to me (as I recall) that she was very nervous about Opening Day, and nothing I said seemed to help at all.

It doesn’t matter that she’s going to the same school her older sister successfully completed. It doesn’t matter that she’s been on the campus half a dozen times already, or that she’s going to be carpooling with her two best friends. It’s new, it’s unknown, and it’s killing her.

I know — at least I hope — that two days after she gets there, she’ll be fine. But I want to be able to help her now, to do something other than mouth the standard (and, it seems to me, rather dismissive) clichés: “Oh, it’s just nerves,” “Oh, it’s not that bad,” and of course my classic all-purpose, “You know, on my first day of school…”

So “Mom”? “Daughter”? Any advice? I don’t want to dote, but I don’t want to abandon her either. How can I help her through this, ’cause somehow just being stoic isn’t cutting it.

Rach, the “teen”

The best thing you can do is distract her. If she spends all day sitting around thinking about how scary its gonna be, then it’s gonna be pretty scary. But if she spends all day thinking about something else, then it’ll be pretty hard for her to worry about the first day.

So, telling her about your first day isn’t such a terrible idea. Or you could just wait it out, because in a few days she’ll be feeling happy and excited and like she knows everything about high school. And that will be awesome.

Mary, the “mom”

I have to admit that I started to think about how to answer “dad’s” query before I saw Rach’s response. My suggestions were going to be dramatically different than Rach’s. I was thinking along the lines of “sit down with her and have her really try to dissect what it is that she is so nervous about and then deal with that rationally.” But, when I saw Rach’s response, I thought “well, she is a heck of a lot closer to this than I am, maybe I am way off base here.” So, I asked my own kids at the dinner table tonight.

My thirteen year-old, who is starting eighth grade was quick to point out that she is closer in age to the Elf than anyone else voicing an opinion. She agreed with Rach – distract her. Although, I think that in my daughter’s mind distraction equated to ‘take her shopping and buy her lots of new stuff’. My son, who is a junior in high school this year suggested that the Elf’s older sister might be a better person to talk with her. Although, he did add the caveat that his suggestion would only work if they get along with each other better than his sisters do.

Whatever you decide to say or do, I think the fact that she knows that you understand that she’s nervous and that you care is comforting. And, next week when she is too busy texting her new friends to answer your questions about how its going, you can rest easy.

Brad, the “dad”

I have a problem. Maybe you can help me nail it down.

Back in my day (at this point, all people under the age of about thirty have already stopped listening), manicures and pedicures were for the very rich and unpleasantly indolent. Nobody – I mean nobody – except grandmothers got their nails done. But today, it’s not just popular, it seems to have become absolutely required for every female over the age of…thirteen? Twelve? Even the Elf, who is not particularly trendy, wants her nails done, and for the college-bound Valkyrie it’s approaching addiction.

Haircuts I expected. The occasional party dress or entirely unnecessary but oh-so-cute pair of shoes – I get that. And this endless obsession with T-shirts that have “funny” sayings on them – I’ll live with that. But this nails and toes thing? It’s expensive. And they keep coming back for more, more, more. Apparently – hey, nobody told me – these things actually grow back.

So here’s my question: is it completely out of line for me to expect my daughters to start covering the cost of this? At least part of it? The haircuts and basic clothing, that tab I’ll pick up. But just how absolutely essential to life is the French Wrap (actually, I don’t think they do that anymore, but you know what I mean). And, how often is often enough?

If I look back at the checks I’ve written to Naomi’s Nail Oasis, I see I’m dropping a few hundred bucks a year on this, and that doesn’t include cash tips and touch-ups. And I can feel my hands trembling with dread and shame every time I have to write Naomi another one. But am I just being a fuddy-duddy here? Should I scrimp instead on, say, heart medication and just let this go?

Just how out of touch am I?

Rach, the “teen”

I bite my nails, so when I get them done, it’s for a special occasion. That is, I got them done for my first prom, and I’ll get them done every once in a while (that is, once a year, so I can hear the lady tell me that biting my nails is a disgusting habit).

So, “dad”, I don’t think you’re being silly or old fashioned. Getting your nails done is something that should be saved for proms, weddings and other special occasions. Painting nails is frivolous. If your daughters want it to be an every month (or week) situation - then they should totally, completely, entirely pay for it themselves. Or, tell them you’ll buy them some nail equipment and let them do it at home.

Nonetheless, I’m against long nails, and I’m against polish. Most of all: I’m anti-paying forty bucks for polish on my fingers and toes that will chip in three days.

Also: nice pun.

Mary, the “mom”

I’m with you Dad, if my daughters want to indulge in this particular little luxury then they can foot (no pun intended) the bill.

A number of years ago, I got caught up in this phenomenon. But after a few years, and a lot of time and money, I realized that it was just too much time and too much money. So, I quit.

So, when my 13 year old decided she had to have nails, I was sympathetic because she too was a nail biter. But, I made it clear that I wasn’t paying. I give my younger two children an allowance. (The oldest is old enough to work now, so his allowance is history.) If my daughter chose to spend her entire allowance getting her nails done (cause that’s what it would take) that was her decision. She does get a babysitting gig now and again, but really, you can’t count on that. So, at first she was really into it (when the babysitting jobs were coming), then she decided that she just couldn’t afford it (during a babysitting dry spell). Hallelujah!

I’m not against paying for the special occasion splurge. So, come the big eighth grade dance, I’ll probably treat her to a manicure and maybe even a pedicure. By prom, I think she should be able to foot (pun intended) the bill herself!

Mary, the “mom”

It’s that time again…time for back-to-school shopping. I don’t mean the new outfits my daughters just have to have. No, I mean the school supplies. It’s not so bad in our high school, but the amount of supplies required at the middle school is blowing me away this year.

I had a supply list for my fourth grader and I figured my other daughter, as a 13 year-old, eighth grader, could decide how she wanted to organize herself and select the appropriate materials. Which she did…and quite well, in my opinion. (One binder for her morning classes, one binder for afternoon classes and a separate small binder for French.) Then, a few days later, the letter arrives indicating the eighth grader’s home room assignment and a list of required supplies. It includes 8 ½ inches of binder! (That’s three - 2 inch binders, one - 1 ½ inch binder and one - 1 inch binder.) In addition she needs a three subject notebook and a marble composition notebook. I guess she’s going to be doing a lot of writing this year! Of course there are many other things on the list including index cards, post-its, mechanical pencils, pens, crayons!, and more.

Besides the issue of expense (this stuff really adds up!), and, besides the issue of wasted paper (how many years do they come home in June with three pages used in that marble composition book?), there’s the practical issue of how does a 5’ 2 1/2” (can’t forget the 1/2″!), 90 pound girl carry around 8 ½” of binder?

Is the supply list this big in your schools? Do you always follow the list? Or, do you just say “this is crazy” and buy what makes sense?

Rach, the “teen”

I hate binders. The last time I used one was in middle school, when all my teachers demanded that we have separate binders for every class (and they took off points if you didn’t have one). I think middle schoolers should be able to make their own choices about their supplies. And most middle schoolers are totally capable of doing that. But, there are those kids who stuff everything in their backpacks. The kids that don’t care about the papers, or the kids who just don’t know how to organize stuff. Those kids are incredibly common in middle and high school, and it makes sense that teachers want to correct that.

When it comes to carrying all that stuff around, there is a very simple solution. Getting quality backpacks and wearing them right. Getting a real backpack (not a tote bag, or or messenger bag), and wearing it with both straps will, all of a sudden, make all that stuff you have to carry seem a lot lighter.

Here’s another hint: it’s a back-pack, not a butt-pack. Wear it on your back, not bumping around on your butt.

Brad, the “dad”

Yes, I have tried my own little rebellion against the Paper Avalanche. I’ve even contacted teachers and said, “Look, I priced this out: you’re talking $150 if I buy everything every teacher is asking for. How about this idea instead…?” And I’ve had very, very little success. Most of the teachers just look at me like I’m from Jupiter for even suggesting a change to the lesson plan. The others shrug and then have the kids do their dirty work. The poor li’l girls have both come home teary-eyed on more than one occasion, convinced they will be flunked, flunked, if they don’t have EXACTLY the right three-ring two-inch double-pocket, lime-green, slip-covered binder that EVERYbody has.

And trust me, you want to have real fun, get your kid into a “project-based” school. There were times, I swear, when “project-based” seemed to mean little more than “spend another $50 on art supplies, binders, presentation boards, Styrofoam, and other stuff you thought you’d stopped buying when your kids got out of elementary-school art class.” They know me by name at Michael’s Art Supplies. I think they jack up the prices when they see me hit the parking lot.

My only line of defense: we stockpile like a son-of-a-gun. I scan the school-supply-and-stationery ads every week like a hawk hunting a bunny, and if anybody’s putting three-ring binders, notebook paper, gel-pens or pipe cleaners on sale, I am there. I’ve even been known to stop by the local stationery chain when it looms large in the windshield just to dredge through the “clearance” bin. And we’ve reserved a large chunk of closet space for inventory. We also have a standing rule: throw NO school supplies away until Dad’s had a chance to forage for re-useables (like the binder that’s broken after a week but has an inch thick of PERFECTLY USEABLE paper inside.)

Does it really save us much money, especially given the time Daddy spends harvesting staples? Probably not. But it does make me feel better – the illusion of control over one of the many leaks in the financial pipe that defines Parenting: The Teen Years.

Rach, the “teen”

A few years ago I tried to get my parents into being conscious about our footprint. It didn’t work, we all used the recycling as another smaller trash can, I felt bad, told everyone that recycling was for hippies, and gave up. Of course, my dad just recently got into recycling. Actually, we got into it because the people who lived in our house before we moved in left their recycling bin here. So, we started washing out containers, packaging up old newspapers and even crushing soda cans to make more space.

Now that we have the special blue bin everything seems different. The whole family is more environmentally aware. It’s great! One day we all just started really caring about our environment. No one ever taught us to be aware, I guess the fact that our planet is filling with garbage really scared us. So, does your family recycle? And how have you taught your kids about being environmentally responsible in a world that is so used to wasting?

Mary, the “mom”

Recycling has been required by law around here for a long time - probably twenty years. So, my kids haven’t known a time when there wasn’t a separate can for tossing recyclables. It’s not something we talk about all that much, it’s just how it is.

Now and again, the school will do a lesson focused on recycling and one of the kids will come home all “gung-ho” to do more. They’ll double check the codes on the bottom of plastic containers I throw away. However, this enthusiasm doesn’t extend to taking shorter showers or bringing empty shampoo bottles downstairs to put in the recycling bin. Actually, come to think of it, they don’t even bother to take the empty shampoo bottle out of the shower, but that’s a separate issue.

I’ll admit to having been lazy about recycling certain things. Is it really worth all the water you use to clean out the peanut butter jar? But just this year, on Earth Day, I saw a segment on a morning show with a recycling specialist who said you don’t have to wash out the jars. How liberating!

Lately, I’ve been noticing more and more canvas bags at the grocery store. At first, my reaction was “what a hassle!” However, I am now starting to realize just how many little plastic bags I bring home from the various stores and I think canvas bags may be the next frontier for us in recycling. Maybe I’ll have more success with that than the shorter shower thing!

Brad, the “dad”

Hey, I’m in California. We invented recycling. I’m sitting here right now looking at the bags and bags of hard plastic vs. soft plastic vs. colored glass vs. shiny paper vs. blahdeblahdeblah that is part and parcel of L.A. Life in this century. And this is a good thing.

But me personally? I’m over it. Or rather, past it. We’ve recently focused the family on a different, oft-neglected part of the “recycle, reuse, reduce” mantra. I’m convinced we are simply buying too much stuff wrapped in too much other stuff, and it has to stop. If the container can’t be crumpled up into a fraction of its original size – assuming it won’t simply rot away – I say it ain’t comin’ in here. Because I’m sick to death of hauling all this crap to the recycle bins.

I’ve recently changed produce markets because my favorite place puts a lot of its soft fruits in plastic boxes. And I don’t want plastic boxes. We’ve pretty much stopped buying any prepared or frozen foods, with a few notable exceptions. (Frozen bananas and peas. Frozen peas, my friends, are a gift from God.) No more bottled water – which was already a rip-off – and juices in cartons not cans (eww! Cans!) or glass. I’m even buying rice and flour in bulk and putting it in good ol’ fashioned Mason Jars, just like Grammy use’ta. Boxes, boil-in-a-bag and plastic wrap is so 1900’s, don’t you think?

Point is: we’re concentrating on using less, buying more wisely, and eating fresh and local whenever possible, so that recycling – as important as it is, and it is – isn’t the only thing we do to feel good about begin green; it’s merely the first thing.

Here endeth the sermon for the day.

Mary, the “mom”

It’s started. The search for the perfect college for my son. One that has a good reputation, but not so good that he can’t get in. One that is fun for him, but not too fun (for us). One that is far enough away that he feels as though he’s gone away, but not too far (for me). Other considerations for him are good food in the cafeteria, decent dorms, sports teams he can get excited about, a high ratio of girls to boys, and lest I forget, courses in his area of academic interest. Other considerations for us are tuition costs, tuition costs, and tuition costs.

As we start to look at various schools it has become apparent that he could probably be quite happy at any number of them. So, how does one decide? Rach, how did you decide where you wanted to go to college? “Dad”, how did the Valkyrie decide? Any suggestions for us?

Rach, the “teen”

Looking for colleges was the easiest part of “the process.” Lucky for me, my high school has a service called Naviance - it’s a web based program that helps students find colleges. You enter a lot of data about what you want - majors, location, ratio of girls and boys, sports teams, everything, it even lets you enter your test scores and gives you a little map that shows how likely it is that you’re going to be accepted. Despite what the map said, I applied to eight very competitive schools. Only one of which was not on the east coast (I like it here).

Deciding on a college was the hardest thing about “the process.” I was accepted to four, waitlisted at two, and rejected at two. The schools I was accepted to were great, but when I visited they didn’t seem right. The two schools that did feel right were, of course, one that I had been waitlisted on and one that had flat out rejected me (I cried for two hours when I got the little envelope). And so I wrote the most important email of my life, telling the waitlist school that I still really wanted to be there. The next day I got a phone call telling me that that email got me accepted (best day ever!).

So, you guys are in for it. My parents drove me to many a college, and were part of the process at all times. They were all kinds of moral support when I was writing essays (write them now, not later), and sending applications, and getting big and small envelopes back. My one word of advice is, start filling out applications in September, no matter when the deadline is. In the end, I chose what college felt right. I made a pro-con list of schools, but it was really the gut feeling that lead me to my final decision.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, “Mom,” we did pretty much what you’re already doing. First we talked with the Valk about what she seriously would like to study in depth …and it was amazing how many of her areas of interest withered under the heat-lamp of four long years. That discussion included what the heck she was planning to do with all of this passionately acquired knowledge when it came to, y’know, like, a job. Because as fun as we wanted college to be, we made it clear: this wasn’t going to be a 48-month all-expenses-paid vacation. Not at these prices.

Once that was done, we pulled out a map and decided how wide the circle would be. We live in Southern California; so our contention was that she could choose just about any field and find a top-flight school that taught that subject somewhere in our half of the state. Within our home town was too close, but two towns over was okay. More than three hours driving distance was too far, but she could manage about 200 miles because Grandma had given her a used car for graduation. Farther than that and it would be too hard to come home and do laundry on the weekends, she said. And then, after a moment, she added, “Oh, and to see you, of course.” Once we had drawn the “doughnut,” we started studying up on what schools fell within that circle.

What we didn’t do was add many other restrictions at this early stage. Private college, state colleges, state universities …didn’t matter. It just mattered that we get a clean list of eight (an arbitrary number) or more colleges “inside the circle” that could give her a good and applicable education. We got that list by flogging the Internet, reading a bunch of current-edition books standing up and reading fast in the local Borders or Barnes & Noble). And when we’d narrowed the list somewhat, we started asking friends, colleagues, co-workers, and relatives, if they knew anybody who had attended one of our ‘candidate’ schools. Maybe because our ‘doughnut’ was relatively local, we had a high hit-rate. And THEN, when the list was narrowed down to four…the visits, the tours, the talk about cost. And by the way, “Mom,” speaking of cost, private schools and state schools may or may not be more affordable than you think; don’t jump to conclusions.

Oh, and good luck! Because this is actually the fun part. It gets really rough a few months from now, after you’ve made your decisions…when you have to start actually applying to the schools of your choice. But that’s a whole different subject.

Brad, the “dad”

So our two loving and lovely daughters had a knock-down, drag-out fight yesterday. Foundations were shaking. Paint was blistering. Of course, all is resolved now – it was a passing summer squall, not the storm of the century – but at the height of the conflict I did notice something a little…disturbing.

The Elf, with all of her snappish and acidic 14-year-old attitude in full force, has a heck of a mouth on her. When she gets cranked up (and, I’m guessing, when she’s just shooting the…breeze…with her compatriots), she curses like a merchant marine. Worse even than me at my worst. I think. No, I’m sure of it: she’s surpassed me in every letter of the alphabet, with a strong preference for the f’s, s’s, and m’s.

I guess my feeling is that as long as she’s got it under control – as long as she’s aware when that language will hurt her rather than help her – there’s not much I can or should do about it. But I’m curious: how are other mums and duds dealing with slang and profanity amongst the Kids Nowadays? Is it really worse, or just more noticeable to old folks like me? And given the loose talk on the TV, over the net, and in the movies…does it even really matter anymore? Or am I just being a Victorian…um…anal retentive personality?

Rach, the “teen”

When my dad hears me swear he makes a rather big deal about how “ladies shouldn’t swear.” When he hears my mom or my brother swear he doesn’t even bat an eye. Does this bother me? Hell yes.

My mom is rather famous for one question she likes to ask: “Are you shitting me?” And my brother is a fan of using insults that only Shakespeare would fully understand. So, when it comes to swearing I take after my dad – there are some words that are a little taboo, things you don’t say in public. And there are some words that are barely even considered curses. Example: Damn, I left my lunch at home.

So, why does he make such a huge #%$&ing deal about me swearing? Maybe because my dad made a huge effort not to swear around me when I was a kid. And so when he hears (or in this case reads) me swearing, he sees a failure.

Personally, I’m ok with swearing. There is of course a limit, people who swear without noticing it, or who swear constantly sound desensitized or out of touch. And people who never swear (even in terrible situations) sound puritan. There might be a happy medium, but swearing and happiness don’t really fit together in my mind.

Mary, the “mom”

Truth be told, I’ve been known to toss around a few expletives now and again. For the most part I’ve managed to restrain myself in front of the children.

I know my son uses colorful language around his pals, but he usually keeps it in check at home. Once in a while, when his sisters are on his last nerve, he lets his guard down and speaks to them inappropriately. Then he gets a lecture about appropriate language. It doesn’t bother me to know that he swears around his friends, precisely because he’s conscious of his audience and generally refrains from it when he should.

I’ve always told my kids that while they might hear adults use certain words, if adults heard them use those words they wouldn’t think they were the nice young people that they are. Yada, yada… I guess the message was, as long as adults don’t hear you, its ok.

In thinking about my response to this blog post, I asked myself how I would feel about my thirteen year old daughter swearing. Now, despite the fact that I’ve been known to have “potty mouth” on occasion, the thought bothered me. And, the fact that her swearing bothers me, but my son swearing doesn’t bother me, bothers me even more!

Oh my god! I have a double standard!

Read How to Help Teens Stop Swearing.

Rach, the “teen”

In thirty-eight days I will be moving my stuff into a college dorm room. In thirty-nine days I will totally be freaking out, because, oh my god, I’m in college.

I’m pretty worried about it, the whole college thing. It’s not the roommate, the food, the classes or the friends, and it’s not being on my own. I don’t know what’s been making me so anxious. I’ve asked my other college-bound friends and they don’t really seem to know either. Some of them have specific fears, and some of us are just having general “wow, college” fears.

High school was good for me; things went pretty smoothly all around - and I’m expecting college to be completely different. So, what are the biggest differences between high school and college, and how did you deal with the transition and all the worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Oh Rach, first of all, it’s flattering that you think I still remember anything from so long ago!

But, seriously, I really do feel for you. It’s so exciting and so scary.

I do remember being so excited to be independent but feeling forlorn when my mother left me at school the first time. It didn’t last long. Everyone was in the same boat and it was easy to make friends.

I was very anxious about the classes, thinking I had coasted through high school and now it was going to be really hard. I just made up my mind to work hard and not fall behind in my classes and it worked. These days, virtually no one can coast through high school, so I’m sure you’ve already learned the good study habits that will make that transition smooth. Not to get off track here, but, this is where I worry about my son and whether my tendency to micro-manage helps or hinders him learning good study habits. (Note to self, really gotta reign that in this year.)

Change is never easy. No matter how happy you are about it, it still takes you out of your comfort zone. So, I think a little bit of anxiety is normal and healthy. I think I’d be more concerned about you going off to college if you weren’t somewhat anxious!

Brad, the “dad”

Okay, first thing, Rach: don’t go, don’t do it, you’ll break your father’s heart.

That being said …

Y’know, in this crazy world, there are some very important things you can foresee, expect, prepare for and anticipate… but for which you will never really be ready. Marriage is one of them. Parenthood is another. And so is going off to college.

Here in SoCal, we’ve decided to plan the essentials only – your basic ‘food, clothing, shelter’ necessities — and let the rest of fall into place as we go along…since that’s the way it’s going to happen anyway, no matter how much we try to avoid the unknown. But all will be well. For one thing, it sounds like you – like the Valkyrie – will be living in a dorm, which is kind of a pleasantly transitional ‘half-life’ between the The Family Home and The Real World. Take advantage of that. Heck, cling to that. For a while, at least, you don’t have to worry about shopping for food or making meals or paying utilities or even doing much of your own clean-up, and your laundry room is just down the hall. This is a good thing.

And don’t be too worried. Living with a couple of other girls off a noisy hallway filled with other girls (and if there are boys? Do not tell your parents!) will even keep the dreaded Boogeyman of Homesickness at bay…most of the time, There is going to be a ton to do, way too much to do, and if you’re like most college kids you’ll be way too busy to feel bad, Besides, when and if you do, well, that’s why the Gods of Going Off To College invented the cell phone. Use it. There is no shame in a midnight call to Mom, even for the most trivial, non-specific reason. In fact, she’ll love you for it.

So my advice, such as it is, is to do a little prep, a little planning. Don’t go in blind and blithery like I did back in the Jurassic, when college was just a couple of caves over and we did our homework on wax tablets. But just as important, don’t overplan. Right now, being flexible, happily going with the flow, is almost more important than being prepared. ‘Cause kid, trust me on this, no matter how prepared you think you are… you will never, ever be ready. At some point, it’s just time to close your eyes, hold your nose, and jump.

And believe me, you’ll love it

Mary, the “mom”

I recently had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend. She was telling me about her thirteen-year-old daughter having a boyfriend. A boyfriend she’s been “going out” with for eight months now. A boyfriend they have accepted and even welcomed into their home and family. It was clear she has grudgingly accepted the fact that her daughter is growing up, and fast. But she wasn’t exactly happy about it.

My response was, “Well, what choices do you have? If you forbid it, you just set the stage for her to lie and sneak around in order to see this boy. This way, you’re aware of what’s going on and in a position to supervise.” My friend agreed but told me that most of her other friends felt differently. They thought she was crazy to allow this relationship to go on.

It’s easy for me to spout my theory when it’s just that - a theory. I do have a thirteen-year-old daughter, but there is no boyfriend on the horizon. So, “dad” how did you handle the boyfriend issue with your daughters? Rach, what’s your take on it?

Rach, the “teen”

My parents never forbid me from seeing anyone. At 11 they drove me to see my first boyfriend. At 15 they allowed me to date a senior in high school. And at 18 they seem happy to see me dating the boy whose been chasing me.

I think parents should always be supportive. Parents who forbid their kids from seeing someone, or dating till a certain age are asking for their kid to lie to them. Parents who disapprove of a certain person should say something or set boundaries, forbidding isn’t an effective way to stop a behavior.

When I was fourteen, my best friends mom forbid him from seeing or speaking to me. His mom said I was a bad influence, and my parents were shocked but they stayed out of it. We got around the ban (by meeting at mutual friends houses and talking by email), but it was incredibly hard. Being banned from a best friend is terrible, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be banned from a boyfriend.

Brad, the “dad”

I’m sorry, what is this ‘boyfriend’ thing of which you speak? As we all know, the standard practice for Dads when it comes to dating daughters is to stick one’s fingers in one’s ears and go “la la la la” until Mom handles it.

So far, we have dodged this particular bullet – our daughters have both decided, pretty much on their own, that they’re not ready for boyfriends yet, though with the Valkyrie heading off to college in mere weeks, I know that’s going to change way too soon. We did have this problem with a “bad influence” friend and Rachel is right: it’s virtually impossible, given the wide range of activities and low level of supervision, to really “ban” anybody, at any teen-like age. If the Valk or the Elf wants to see somebody – romantically or otherwise – we parents would be foolish to think we could absolutely prevent it.

Still…I think that even if they would never admit it or show it, our kids really do want our approval and respect. So when we’ve dealt with less-than-perfect friends, we’ve let our daughter know directly – and privately, not in front of sibs or other friends – that we don’t really like the Kid in Question. And we tell her why. In some instances, it’s actually made her re-think the liaison. In others, she’s disagreed. Strenuously. Even tearfully. And I have to admit, in a couple of cases the girl was right and we were wrong: the Kid in Question wasn’t so bad after all. We also found in one crucial case that bringing in a respected third party – an older sister, an older, long-time friend or relative – who could say basically what we would have said, but without the “parent thing” wrapped around it, did a world of good. The girls actually heard the message rather than raged at the messenger, and backed away from a potentially bad situation.

I am clinging to the idea that our daughters’ judgment is already good enough to keep them from making really bad mistakes about men. But this is the real world and the 21^st century, and chances are they’ll get hurt. After we’ve done our best – limited though it may be – to protect them, our real job as parents of teens and adults is to accept what we couldn’t prevent and help them heal. Not the funnest part of the gig, but there you go.

Read Teen Friendships.

Brad, the “dad”

I was just watching an episode of The Simpsons when I should have been doing something worthwhile, but it did bring up an interesting question. Bart had done something bad – you know, the usual: blowing up the house, destroying Springfield, changing history so that Hitler won the war, something bad – and his mother said, “Bart, if you do that again, I’m going to delete all the saved games from your Xbox 360!” and the little twerp gave out a genuine scream of horror. “You can’t do that!” he wailed, and Marge said, “Oh, yes, I can! I know how since reading this!” and she whips out a copy of a magazine with the intriguing name of New Punishment. Not two minutes later he does something else awful and she says, “One more time, Bart, and I erase all the customized ringtones you downloaded!” and he’s even more panicky.

So here’s the two-part question: when your kids get to be That Certain Age, where the old ‘kid’ punishments don’t have the same “oomph” they used to…what “new punishments” seem to make them sit up and take notice? Loss of computer privileges? Loss of the car? Gool ol’ grounding? What works – and doesn’t work – for y’all?

Or are you more like me? Has it happened that, as the li’l ones have gotten not-so-li’l, the whole concept of punishment has lots its power? It sure has at our house. Our teens already know when they’ve done something wrong, and in the rare instances when they actually get caught before they confess, they’re already beaten themselves up far more than I could. And what little clout my disapproval may have works better now if I simply express it as, well, disapproval. Or deep, grim concern. They do all the work.

Besides, “punishing” my 17-year-old seems almost…I don’t know, quaint now, not to mention a little unethical (I mean, she’s making the insurance payments and buying gas for her car now…am I even allowed to say she can’t drive? Is that fair?) I’m happy that they seem to have become their own behavioral regulators – I guess – or am I just kidding myself? How would I kick-start the Great Karmic Engine if I had to?

Mary, the “mom”

Hmm…new punishment. I have to say, I like the hi-tech angle. But, only because I’d get a kick out of having something new to lord over them!

Realistically, I don’t really do a whole lot of punishing. Thankfully, there haven’t been a lot of behaviors to punish. But, when my kids were younger and punishment more frequent, I was always big on natural consequences.

So, in my kids’ lives today that translates to things like: “You didn’t bathe the dogs/water the flowers when you were supposed to, so now you’re going to have to do that instead of going bowling/to the mall.” Or: “You went over on your cell phone minutes, so pay up!” Or: “You’ve lied to me and now you’re going to have to work to prove that I can trust you, so in the meantime, I’m going to be checking up on you in ways that you consider an invasion of privacy.”

My son doesn’t have his license yet, but I suppose the only way I’d take away the car was if he had been driving irresponsibly. If you don’t drive responsibly, the natural consequence, in my mind, would be losing the privilege of driving. I can’t envision taking away the car as punishment for some unrelated infraction. And, I imagine, like so many other punishments I do sometimes consider, I’d just be punishing myself because then I’d have to drive him where he had to go!

I guess I’d better hope that the luck we’ve had continues, because it appears that I don’t have a whole lot of punishment options up my sleeve. Although, my daughter would freak if I threatened to delete those ringtones!

Rach, the “teen”

What sort of new punishments can parents use on high-tech teens? I don’t think you need new punishments. If a teen is misusing the family car, then you have a right to put some restrictions on it. If the kid isn’t doing chores don’t let them go out (or watch teevee, use the computer or whatever) until everything is done. It seems pretty simple to me. Like what mom said, natural consequences work.

They do get tricky and there are exceptions to punishment norms. If she’s paying for the car, and misusing it – it’s unethical to take it away. So, that’s when you impose a stricter curfew, or a limit to how much she can use it per week or something. And if they bought those ringtones, video games or whatever – then you’ve got to limit their use in some other way, but deleting their stuff is mean.

I love the Simpsons, and it’s interesting how the show got you thinking about “modern day” punishments. I mean, grounding is harder to enforce because of the internet, cell phones and other electronics. But I guess it still works when there has been some major violation (I mean really major, grounding is only effective when it’s used to really convey a message).

Punishment isn’t really a thing in our family though – my parents always check to see how badly my brother and I feel about something before they even bring up punishing. That is - I lied to them, got caught, confessed and cried for two days (typical me), I wouldn’t get punished because that would be adding insult to injury. It’s all relative, I think.

Read Grounded! How to Make Discipline Work.