Brad, the “dad”

I was just watching an episode of The Simpsons when I should have been doing something worthwhile, but it did bring up an interesting question. Bart had done something bad – you know, the usual: blowing up the house, destroying Springfield, changing history so that Hitler won the war, something bad – and his mother said, “Bart, if you do that again, I’m going to delete all the saved games from your Xbox 360!” and the little twerp gave out a genuine scream of horror. “You can’t do that!” he wailed, and Marge said, “Oh, yes, I can! I know how since reading this!” and she whips out a copy of a magazine with the intriguing name of New Punishment. Not two minutes later he does something else awful and she says, “One more time, Bart, and I erase all the customized ringtones you downloaded!” and he’s even more panicky.

So here’s the two-part question: when your kids get to be That Certain Age, where the old ‘kid’ punishments don’t have the same “oomph” they used to…what “new punishments” seem to make them sit up and take notice? Loss of computer privileges? Loss of the car? Gool ol’ grounding? What works – and doesn’t work – for y’all?

Or are you more like me? Has it happened that, as the li’l ones have gotten not-so-li’l, the whole concept of punishment has lots its power? It sure has at our house. Our teens already know when they’ve done something wrong, and in the rare instances when they actually get caught before they confess, they’re already beaten themselves up far more than I could. And what little clout my disapproval may have works better now if I simply express it as, well, disapproval. Or deep, grim concern. They do all the work.

Besides, “punishing” my 17-year-old seems almost…I don’t know, quaint now, not to mention a little unethical (I mean, she’s making the insurance payments and buying gas for her car now…am I even allowed to say she can’t drive? Is that fair?) I’m happy that they seem to have become their own behavioral regulators – I guess – or am I just kidding myself? How would I kick-start the Great Karmic Engine if I had to?

Mary, the “mom”

Hmm…new punishment. I have to say, I like the hi-tech angle. But, only because I’d get a kick out of having something new to lord over them!

Realistically, I don’t really do a whole lot of punishing. Thankfully, there haven’t been a lot of behaviors to punish. But, when my kids were younger and punishment more frequent, I was always big on natural consequences.

So, in my kids’ lives today that translates to things like: “You didn’t bathe the dogs/water the flowers when you were supposed to, so now you’re going to have to do that instead of going bowling/to the mall.” Or: “You went over on your cell phone minutes, so pay up!” Or: “You’ve lied to me and now you’re going to have to work to prove that I can trust you, so in the meantime, I’m going to be checking up on you in ways that you consider an invasion of privacy.”

My son doesn’t have his license yet, but I suppose the only way I’d take away the car was if he had been driving irresponsibly. If you don’t drive responsibly, the natural consequence, in my mind, would be losing the privilege of driving. I can’t envision taking away the car as punishment for some unrelated infraction. And, I imagine, like so many other punishments I do sometimes consider, I’d just be punishing myself because then I’d have to drive him where he had to go!

I guess I’d better hope that the luck we’ve had continues, because it appears that I don’t have a whole lot of punishment options up my sleeve. Although, my daughter would freak if I threatened to delete those ringtones!

Rach, the “teen”

What sort of new punishments can parents use on high-tech teens? I don’t think you need new punishments. If a teen is misusing the family car, then you have a right to put some restrictions on it. If the kid isn’t doing chores don’t let them go out (or watch teevee, use the computer or whatever) until everything is done. It seems pretty simple to me. Like what mom said, natural consequences work.

They do get tricky and there are exceptions to punishment norms. If she’s paying for the car, and misusing it – it’s unethical to take it away. So, that’s when you impose a stricter curfew, or a limit to how much she can use it per week or something. And if they bought those ringtones, video games or whatever – then you’ve got to limit their use in some other way, but deleting their stuff is mean.

I love the Simpsons, and it’s interesting how the show got you thinking about “modern day” punishments. I mean, grounding is harder to enforce because of the internet, cell phones and other electronics. But I guess it still works when there has been some major violation (I mean really major, grounding is only effective when it’s used to really convey a message).

Punishment isn’t really a thing in our family though – my parents always check to see how badly my brother and I feel about something before they even bring up punishing. That is - I lied to them, got caught, confessed and cried for two days (typical me), I wouldn’t get punished because that would be adding insult to injury. It’s all relative, I think.

Read Grounded! How to Make Discipline Work.

Rach, the “teen”

Sex education is a real issue in my mind. In four years of high school I’ve never had a sex education class. This bothers me because I feel like it is irresponsible for the schools (and the government) not to teach kids and teens about sex.

But, I didn’t feel like I had to worry, because when I was hitting puberty my parents did more than just “the talk” – they bought us books about everything. We had growing bodies books, we had books about differing sexualities, and we had books about the science of sex and pregnancy. But we did much more than read, we talked about what was ok in our family, and we discussed the issues relating to sex in the news. And this discussion never really ended, we still talk about these issued openly in my family.

I think what my parents did was great. Both my brother and I have grown up to be very responsible and safe about our sex lives. But I think teens that don’t get all the information from their parents are worse off, and this is where the schools should step in.

So, what do you think the school’s responsibility is for teaching sex education? And what information should be left to the parents to teach?

Mary, the “mom”

Rach, I agree, what your parents did was great! Parents need to talk to their children about sex and responsibility. Parents can offer so much more than a school sex education program because, while talking about sex and responsibility, parents can impart their values as well.

But I think these parental talks are most effective when supplemental to a formal sex education class. So, I do think schools have a responsibility to teach sex education and parents should be reinforcing those basic messages and adding their own perspectives and values. Like anything else we learn, repetition helps.

I know that the schools my children attend do teach sex education, but I’m not relying on that. For my older two, who already know the basics, I think these talks work best informally…maybe when prompted by something we watched together on TV or in response to the news my daughter heard about a 17 year-old “friend of a friend” who’s pregnant.

I try to use those opportunities to open the conversation and make my points. Like that 17 year old “friend of a friend” – she says it happened the first time. There’s definitely a lesson there!

Brad, the “dad”

Ahh, the ‘sex’ thing. Or as my daughters would say, “Oh my GOD, not that AGAIN!”

We’re in a particularly odd position here. The California public schools do teach something like sex ed, though it’s very brief and rather…hesitant? But for our girls, the real sex ed came from our church. The Unitarian Universalist Association has a carefully constructed multi-week curriculum called “Our Whole Lives” that covers the biology, the biochemistry, the ethics, the variations, the social context, all of it. And just to make it worse for our girls, they not only had to take it, they had to sit there while their parents taught it.

I wouldn’t suggest every parent go out and get training as a sex educator, but running the OWL program for a few years has taught me a few surprising things: One: most parents still don’t talk to their kids about sex. It still embarrasses them, no matter how wild they were when they were growing up. Two: For all the access to information, most kids still have a ton of misconceptions about everything from the likelihood of pregnancy to STD’s, so getting – and repeating – accurate information is always, always a good idea, no matter how much they groan. And Three: once the basics are laid down and nailed in place, casual conversations about sex – as “Mom” said, prompted by TV shows or commercials or real-world events – can be incredibly helpful, making sex important but not a Huge Deal, and still mysterious but not Secret. (You should have seen what kind of conversation Juno triggered around our house, and who ended up on which side. Weird…)

So, talk about it enough, through school or church or home to make casual conversation and reinforcement easy and frequent. Then when it gets serious – and it will, one day – everybody’s much for ready for it.

Though I admit I still get all icky inside when my wife says “masturbation” in front of the girls. Eww.

Mary, the “mom”

So summer has finally started and my son still doesn’t have a job, but, it’s okay. At least he’s actually looking for a job, which is a step in the right direction.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to make the best of the free time. He’ll be a junior next year. Time to get serious about college. Looking at schools. Deciding where he wants to apply. Taking the SATs. I know his schedule next year is killer, so I think it will be good to start some of this now, when he has so much time on his hands.

For starters, we’re going to visit a couple of schools this summer, so he can get a feel for the different environments such as a traditional college campus versus a city campus, private versus public, North versus South.

We also need to decide how he’s going to prep for the SATs. Do we try to go it on our own or take a prep class? Knowing my son’s penchant for procrastination, I think it had better be a class. But, there are choices there as well. Does he take the prep class in a classroom or online. Online would offer the flexibility to “take” the class when you have the time – and save gas money, both of which are a real plus. But, again, I worry about procrastination.

So, we’re going to use this free time to evaluate and weigh these various options so that come September there is one less thing to think about.

Rach, how did you prepare for SATs (or ACTs)? And, Brad, how did the Valk prepare? Would you do anything different?

Brad, the “dad”

Hey, “Mom…”

You know what worked best for me? The 3 F’s: Fear, Finagling, and Flexibility.

The “fear” part was having the Valkyrie take her first PSAT as soon as possible – like right at the beginning of her junior year (ultimately she took the PSAT three times, just as most of her friends did). She’s a smart gal, so she didn’t prep for it at all (just as I planned … heh heh heh), and her scores were…well, not very wonderful. It scared the beans out of her — just as I hoped it would — and suddenly motivation and procrastination were no longer major issues. She couldn’t live with the concept of “not going to college.”

Not that I quit there. I reinforced her newfound sense of focus with Finagling – that is, getting to know her high school counselor on the sly – you know, the one whose obsession was getting as many students into college as possible? I enlisted her help in keeping the Valk in the right classes and her grades up, and stayed in regular contact. Oddly, Ms. Counselor was actually grateful to have a parent help do the pushin’. All too often, she told me, she had to do it on her own.

Meanwhile, “flexibility” was the key to really successful test prep for the Valk – flexibility as in, “whatever works, when it works best.” Tutoring was the right answer for a real hole in her math education, but classes in writing and history were a better fit…and on-line classes were best, because of all the other demands on school time and even weekend hours, especially as she got heavy into her senior year. I swear, that poor kid worked harder than both her parents combined in the summer and fall of last year, between test prep, tests, college research and visits, and college apps. And yet…she survived. She’s off to the College of Her Choice in eight, count ‘em, eight, weeks. (Say no more. I’ll start to cry.)

Choosing the college? Applying? Two whole different kettle of squirmy, squirmy fish. But test prep? Trust me. You can’t go wrong with the Three F’s.

Rach, the “teen”

Test prep was the easiest thing about the whole high school to college process.

We signed up for the classes, because I was using the books and CDs my parents bought me as coasters. That is, brightly colored books and CDs aren’t going to get me motivated to study. Where as making me go to class every Wednesday night is hard to get out of.

The class was pretty much like any other high school class (except it was in a hotel lobby) - we had “homework”, we filled out worksheets, and we took tests. It was the tests that made the class worth it.

Not only did I have a scheduled time to study for the SATs, but I got to take a whole bunch of full-length practice SATs. Did it help? Yeah it did. I only had to take the real test once, that’s how well I did. I’m completely and entirely crediting it to the practice tests.

It doesn’t matter how your kid gets the practice. If it’s a full-length test, in test conditions, with real questions - he or she will learn from it.

Read an expert perspective on SATs, staying sane during the application process, demystifying FAFSA and much more!

Mary, the “mom”

I look forward to the end of the school year almost as much as my kids do. First and foremost, I look forward to sleeping past 5:40 on weekdays. But I also look forward to a break from worrying about all the assignments, tests, projects etc. (I know they’re not my responsibility, so why would I worry? See my earlier posts about micro-managing and you’ll get the picture!) And, believe it or not, I actually enjoy spending time with my kids when everyone is relaxed, as opposed to the normal weekday routine where everyone, including me, is stressed out.

Okay, so today’s the last day, at least for my high school student. Now what? He should have a summer job, but he doesn’t yet. (See Rach’s post about her summer job dilemma and you’ll get the idea.) Regardless of how much I enjoy spending relaxed time with him, it won’t take long for the sleeping til noon and hanging around all day to get on my nerves.

So, I’ve explained to him that I will have a list of extra chores for him to do around the house until he gets a summer job. I fear that I’m about to trade nagging about school work for nagging about chores. Which, of course, is in addition to nagging about a summer job.

What are your kids doing this summer? How do you handle the sudden wealth of free time?

Rach, the “teen”

The post about the summer job really helped me. It got me more motivated, and more willing to really look. I knew I needed to get one, so I answered an advertisement, went in for an interview and got a summer job. I did it because sitting around the house listening to my parents nag was the last thing I wanted, and it’s the last thing your kids want to.

I think the first week of summer (right after school lets out) is a great time to sleep in late, hang out with friends and get all that classic summer stuff done. Then it’s time to work.

Last summer, my dad employed me (for minimum wage) to repaint two big benches we keep outside. It took me the entire summer, but it kept me busy. I think chores like that are good for middle and high school students. One or two big simple “around the house” chore they can do.

Paint something, plant a new garden, weekly “all house” cleanings. Something that they can do when they want (flexible hours), but for a certain amount of hours a week (say, 10), and something that they have to do (for the money, for the responsibility, for the drive to the mall you promised them).

It was hard painting those benches (yes, painting can be hard). But it was a good summer - because I made the rules about it. I got the work done, I felt responsible for the benches, and I got paid for it. With only a little nagging.

Brad, the “dad”

I guess I’m just the ol’ softy in the pack this time. Because I have seen how ridiculously hard the kidlings have been working this past year, on grades and friendships and special projects and community service, and I’m actually hearing myself saying, “Hey, it’s summer: take some time.”

Maybe I’m particularly easy on them this year because I can see the future. The Valkyrie will be heading off to college in exactly two months, and there’s a work-study gig and 13 units waiting for her there. The Elf will be starting at an academically demanding high school in just a little more than that – the same school her sister just escaped from – and, as she’s been saying herself, once she gets there the grades and extra-curricular stuff really start to count.

In some ways, this is the Last Great Summer for both of them. Adulthood, or a reasonable facsimile is just over the horizon. So if the Valk takes a month off (yeah, a month) to go road-tripping with her travelicious Mom, and the Elf spends a week or two (or three) doing little but sleeping in, going online and making art…okay. Just this once. Because from here on in, things are gonna get busier and more serious, and I want them to remember at least one more, one last, long, slow summer before the blitz begins.

Am I a fish in a barrel or what?

Read ParentingTeensOnline’s June Hot Topics for ideas for spending time with your teens this summer.

Brad, the “dad”

I’m sorry, I’m running late this week. I … I …

Excuse me, what were we talking about?

All I know is that last night my daughter graduated from high school, and I feel like somebody’s hit me in the head with a two-by-four.

What the heck just happened? There was a baby here just a minute ago. And I remember this cute little girl, couldn’t have been more than four, five years old, sitting in my lap. Then I looked away for just one minute, and suddenly there’s this beautiful, accomplished, confident Valkyrie walking down the aisle in her pretty green robe and mortarboard, picking up her high school diploma, making plans for a month-long road trip, going off to college – leaving. More than that, really – leaving me.

I know we’ve been planning this for months. It’s just that it happened so fast. All of it – the birth, the childhood, the school and Christmases and homework and birthdays and vacations and crises and partnerships and arguments and now…

I guess I didn’t expect quite so much melancholy to be mixed up with the pride and excitement. I didn’t expect to feel like the guy who’s left standing on the dock while the party ship begins to slowly, slowly sail away without me. Of course I’m proud of her. Of course I understand she’s not disappearing, she’s just going to college. I know she’s still my kid, but not a kid and…

Like I said: two-by-four.

I wonder what happens next?

Mary, the “mom”

No fair – you’re going to make me cry! Seriously!

I get this same feeling at every major event (preschool graduation, first day of kindergarten, middle school graduation, first day of high school) and some not so major - and often quite boring - events (2^nd grade concert, Brownie bridging ceremony, 5^th grade band concert…). You get the picture.

Sometime the feeling is positive, as in: “Wow, a few years ago I was worrying about packing a stroller, diapers and baby food for even the simplest outing. Now, they grab their iPods and we’re off. Yeah!” But mostly it’s of the nature of “where did the time go?”

I guess the trick is to remember how fast the time goes when I want to scream at them about the mess they made in the kitchen. Of course I never do remember til afterward when I feel bad – not that I always feel bad, just sometimes.

What’s next you wondered. Well, for me it’s that high school graduation you just went through. For you, I’m guessing college graduation. Maybe even a walk down the aisle eventually. Talk about a two-by-four! I guess those hits are going to keep coming. But, for now, Congratulations!

Rach, the “teen”

You haven’t been left on the dock. The boat won’t leave without you.

I graduated last week, and it’s scary thinking about what happens next. I know my parents are feeling melancholy about me (their “baby”) being done with high school, but, they know I’m not really leaving them. Sure, I’ll be at college, but I’ll never really be gone.

So, what happens next? I have no idea. But you’d better bet that my parents are coming with me on my boat, wherever it leads me.

Rach, the “teen”

Right now I’m looking for a summer job. Actually, I’ve been looking since December. That means, I’m putting in lots and lots of applications, and getting few replies (most of which are: you don’t have sales experience?).

My parents have been bugging me constantly everyday since January. “Get a job, you need money for college!” I know, of course I know I need pocket money for college and to take care of my breaking car.

So, my dilemmas this week are: how do I manage a summer job, and still have time for goofing off with my friends? And, how can I get my parents to stop bugging me? I am trying really hard to get a job and their incessant nagging isn’t helping.

Brad, the “dad”

Here’s the bad news, Rach: your parents aren’t going to stop bugging you until you get a gig. They might cut back just a bit if you’re lookin’ and lookin’ hard, but this is one of the nasty lessons of the Grown-Up World: good RESULTS matter more than good INTENTIONS.

I have only one bit of advice – the same I gave to the Valkyrie: have no fear or shame in asking friends, friends of family, your parents’ co-workers, your neighbors, anybody on your e-mail list, people at church or teachers a school, if they know anybody, anywhere, who’s hiring. Most folks would MUCH rather hire somebody that comes in on a recommendation, and everybody loves to be the one who did the hookin’ up. So don’t be shy or think you sound pathetic. You don’t. You sound like somebody who wants to work, and in this world that’s rare all by itself. And surprisingly enough, most people are ready and even eager to help.

Oh, and as for goofing off with friends? FUN, ain’t it? You’ll still have time for that when you’re NOT working (or sleeping or driving to and from work), and trust me, that time with them will mean even more when there’s precious little of it. The old “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone” thing. Again. Yet ANOTHER harsh lesson from Grown-up Land.

And congrats on graduating AND being responsible. You rock.

Mary, the “mom”

Well Rach, I’m glad I’m not the only parent nagging their teen about getting a summer job. As “dad” said, they aren’t going to stop the nagging until you get a job — or win the lottery. Since the odds of getting a summer job are much better, I’d stick with that.

Again, I’ll agree with “dad” — aren’t you lucky that your “parents” see “eye-to-eye” on so many things — take advantage of any connection you can. Connections are my son’s only hope of getting work this summer!

I’ll throw in two more pieces of advice. First, be confident! When they say you don’t have sales experience, assure them that the only way for you to get sales experience is for them to hire you and since you are so wonderful and mature as to blog for ParentingTeensOnline, surely they should take a chance on you. Second, don’t be picky! This summer job isn’t a lifetime commitment. Does it really have to be sales? Compromise. Work a farm stand. An ice cream shop. A daycare center.

Here’s another idea: Maybe you should check out ParentingTeensOnline’s Resource Listings on After-School and Seasonal Jobs for Teens.

Whatever you end up with, you’ll still find time for your friends and you’ll be grateful come Fall for that pocket money. Good luck!

Mary, the “mom”

So, as the mom I am supposed to make sure that my children eat a nutritious diet and I’m also supposed to try and have family dinners.

I do manage to put a reasonably nutritious dinner on the table for a family meal most nights. But, by the time we’re all home (from work, baseball, dance, etc.) to sit down to dinner, my youngest has consumed several meals worth of after school snacks because she’s “starving” and then she eats no dinner. My son comes in from baseball so ravenous that he eats enough for a meal and then he, too, picks at his dinner. (My other daughter just grazes her way through after school snacks and dinner!)

So, my kids are filling up on snacks, some of which are of dubious nutritional quality, and I’m packaging up leftovers every night. I do try to push one night’s leftovers as the next day’s after school snack, but sometimes Chex Mix or the like win out.

I have always believed that you should listen to your body and eat when you’re hungry, not when the clock says its mealtime. Yet, I really do value that family dinner time. It’s the only time we’re all together and we actually talk to one another. It’s wonderful, until the bickering starts! Hmmm…maybe separate meals aren’t such a bad idea after all!

How do you juggle the family dinner issue in your house?

Rach, the “teen”

It’s really important to have regular sit-down meals, and it’s fantastic that your family tries to. Besides all the bickering that gets done, it’s a good time to just sit and be a family.

Anyway, the food thing has never been a big issue in my family. Dad has dinner ready somewhere between five and six every night. If someone is late (due to work, friends or rehearsal) then they eat the “saved for them” portion.

As for pre-dinner snacking - if your kids are starving before dinner, set out something healthy for them. Nuts or fruit, something easily snack-able, but nothing that would spoil dinner. Remember, if you’re the one who buys the groceries, then you’ve got control over what they consume. Don’t want snacking? Don’t buy snacks.

Brad, the “dad”

I admit it: we’ve given up on the Meals Together thing. With two kids at different, distant schools, and with jobs that frequently involve late hours or out-of-town trips, the ritual of the Family Dinner died a pathetic death around here a couple of years ago.

So we looked for a replacement – a more natural opportunity for family connection, when we could spend some low-pressure, non-distracted time together.

In short: we discovered Starbucks.

A few times a week, we either travel together to one of the 8,302 coffee bars in the immediate vicinity, or send The Chauffeur/Delivery Man (i.e., me) down the hill with orders in hand. Then we spend an hour with latte, frap, or – in my case – brew of the day and each other, and just talk. No TV, no headphones, and no ‘family meeting’ Big Issues allowed — just catching up. Joking. Maybe even making plans for a movie or a road trip. Sometimes it’s at four in the afternoon, sometimes not until ten at night, but we do it pretty consistently, and I’m happy to say we’ve reached a point where even the kidlings kind of expect it. If we all get too busy and don’t have a sit-down, it can just as easily be one of them as one of the parents who says, “Hey, can we have Starbucks tonight?” – meaning, “Hey, can we do that Family Thing?”

It ain’t no traditional dinner, I confess, and it ain’t even all that healthy. Sue me. It’s never been about the nutrition anyway: it’s been about the connection. And I’m willing to use any illicit device at my disposal to keep that connection alive…even caffeine, chocolate, and hazelnut syrup ‘way after dark. I’m sneaky that way. (And have you tried that new Pikes coffee? Not bad!)

Don’t miss these relevant articles from ParentingTeensOnline: Family Dinners Cook Up Responsible Teens and Balancing the Scales: Keeping Teen Nutrition on Track.

Go to ParentingTeensOnline and take the poll on how you create family time.

Brad, the “dad”

The Valkyrie, at 17.6 years of age, will be going off to college in just a few months. She’ll be joining a friend we’ve known for years who’s two years older than she is. I like her friend a lot – smart, enthusiastic, talented, hard-working…

But.

I happened to walk in on a conversation between them just yesterday, where Friend was telling a story about a silly thing she did when she was just a little bit drunk last weekend. (Friend isn’t quite 21 yet, which means she’s too young to buy alcohol.) It wasn’t anything horrible – she didn’t drive her car into a wall or have sex (or even make out) with some stranger; it was just silly. And they both treated it as oh-so-harmless and funny and inconsequential.

I’m pretty sure the Valk hasn’t done any drinking yet; Lord knows here in California the institutional “don’t drink/do drugs/ have sex” messages start in preschool, and maybe even prenatally. And I’ve seen her calmly, firmly keep away from that stuff in a high school where alcohol and drugs are available, though not epidemic. Besides, I did a fair amount of recreational imbibing myself in college, and I’m not naïve. It’s going to happen.

Still…

It’s yet another instance where we have to trust that the messages we’ve given her and the behavior we’ve tried to model will be enough to give her guidance. After all, that’s the central question for parents of ‘departing’ teens, isn’t it? Not What can I do? (since the answer almost always seems to be “Nothing now,”) but How much should I worry?

So: How much should I worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Well Dad, no matter what anyone says, you’re going to worry when the Valk departs. I’m not there yet, but my sense from what I’ve seen is that it just goes with the territory. But, on this particular issue, I’m thinking that if the Valk’s come this far – end of senior year of high school – without drinking, then you’re doing something right! And, to give credit where credit’s due, she has her act together!

Lots of kids are exposed to those “don’t drink/do drugs/have sex” messages, but many don’t listen. Since the Valk has apparently listened, at least you know that she “gets it” about drinking and how it impacts teen brains. And, you know that she’s observed the good model you’ve provided. I know that no underage drinking is acceptable, but if she chooses to experiment, I think you can feel somewhat comforted believing that she’ll proceed with caution.

The Valk has made good decisions so far. So, Dad, focus on that and try not to worry so much!

Rach, the “teen”

I think the amount of worrying you do should relate directly to how you’ve taught your daughter about making safe decisions. You taught the Valk not to drink, do drugs, or have unsafe sex. You enforced those rules, you were an example, and you let her know what was acceptable (and what was not) in your household, right?

I bet you did all of that. But, no matter how much you trust that your daughter will make safe decisions about alcohol, you will still worry. A lot.

Now you have to trust that you taught your daughter the right lessons. That you were an example, and that that will be enough to help her through all the decisions she will have to make without you.

Mom is right, focusing on the positives up to this point is important. And continuing the messages of “no drugs, no sex, no alcohol” in college will help her (and you) feel better about the Valk making her own informed responsible choices.

Rach, the “teen”

One of my good friends, S, is going to college a few states away from me. My two best friends, A and D are like brothers to me. Nothing can break our friendships. D and I are off to the same school (yay!), and A is already at college. It’s hard sometimes to stay in contact with him, but we make the effort. But with S, we’ve been friends for only few years, its going to be a lot harder.

She’s a good friend, she’s fun to be around, she’s the closest I’ve ever had to a classic best friend. You know, sleepovers, movies, girls nights filled with popcorn. Man, we even share bathing suits when we swim in her pool. I want to stay friends, and I’m sure she does too. But how do we do that? Lots of phone calls? Stay friends over the internet? It’s gonna be hard. Especially because we’re both such social butterflies. We’ll both be socially and academically packed during the year, so, are we just going to have to stay friends only over breaks and during the summer?

Did you stay in touch with your high school friends? How do you suggest we keep our friendship going?

Mary, the “mom”

It’s funny because I’ve been wondering about some of the same issues for my daughter who will graduate middle school next year. In our town, many of the public middle school students end up going to private high school. So, my daughter’s group of friends will likely experience some fall out. Although, I think there is often some reshuffling of friendships as “middle schoolers” become “high schoolers” and kids who were friends start to make different choices. Of course, none of that is as dramatic as what Rach is facing as she and her friends head off to college.

I think that as you go through each stage of life, you make some new friends and some of the old ones drop off. But, some of those the old friends hang on. My husband and I each seem to have retained one close friend from each stage. It’s pretty cool when you’re in your mid-40s and have someone you can reminisce with about middle school or high school.

I was tempted to say: “Que sera, sera”, the friendships that are meant to be will survive, but really, I think it’s the ones you nurture that will survive. And, in this day of text, IM, facebook, etc., it’s a lot easier and cheaper to keep in touch. So, try nurturing those friendships by keeping in touch. It will be worth it down the road.

Brad, the “dad”

We’ve been thinking about the survival (or lack thereof) of friendships across the middle school/high school and high school/college gap a lot around here, with both my daughters. After all, this September one of them is off to college (an hour away) and the other’s off to a (distant, charter-type) high school, and frankly I don’t expect many (or any) of the school-based friendships of either girl to survive the upcoming jumps.

The thing is…that’s not entirely a bad thing. The high school girl has a ‘friend’ who’s been nothing but a vicious, manipulative little … problem? … for years now, literally since elementary school, and I’m actually hoping that, once geography and academics separate them (the Vicious Little Thug isn’t going to college), she’ll be 100% history. And that’s good: she’s done enough damage already. Meanwhile the young’un has made a couple of acquaintances in middle school that sure look to me like they’re headed for trouble – too much interest in the ‘dangerous’ lifestyle choices re: sex, drug, and authority – and I’m quite happy to see them heading off in other directions as well. Good riddance, he said snittily.

Me, I had one friend from second grade until well into my forties, and ultimately only a thousand miles and a marriage (his, not mine) put any distance between us. And I have other old buds that go back twenty-five years now, so I know ‘extended friendships’ are possible and often very good for the soul. But I also think that – by and large – the ones that should survive, the ones that are healthy and beneficial to both parties – do survive the tests of time and distance. Those that don’t make it probably shouldn’t. (And no, I haven’t noticed that the wonders of e-mail, texting and webcams have really changed the situation all that much; the distance that grows between friends is really one that grows as shared experience dwindles, and technology only prolongs the agony, if it makes any difference at all).

So Rach – try and hang on to the relationships that really matter, but don’t be too surprised if they fade no matter how hard you try. Maybe – just maybe – it’s all for the best.

Mary, the “mom”

About 2 months ago, I blogged about my concern that I was micro-managing my son with Edline, a program which allows students and parents online access to assignments, course calendars, grade sheets, absence reports, etc. I knew that managing his responsibilities for him wasn’t going to help in the long run, but Edline made it sooo tempting.

Well, when our virtual teen, Rach, joined in the conversation, it was a dose of reality for me. I always find it so helpful getting a real life teen perspective from her. So, I took Rach’s advice to heart and backed off. I still peeked at Edline, but for the most part I was simply supportive.

Well, come to find out that there’s a big difference in the maturity level of a 16 year boy (or at least this one) and an 18 year girl. Shocking, I know! So, while I really do value Rach’s advice, it turns out, my son is not really ready to manage this completely on his own. And, I’ve decided that he’s got two more years of high school to come around to the maturity level that Rach obviously has. So, it’s OK that he’s not there yet.

So, with all of this swirling through our home, I open my Sunday New York Times and see an article titled “I Know What You Did Last Math Class” which reports on families using Edline and similar services and how they are popular but can stress out families. It was interesting and funny and now I know I’m not alone in trying to find the right balance in using this service.

I want to try and use it as a means of communicating with my son about what’s happening and as a tool to help him to organize his work – not organize it for him. I definitely don’t want it to be confrontational or nagging. (Rach helped me understand just how unproductive that can be!) I’m thinking this can be a learning experience in itself. And, hopefully, by the time he’s a senior he’ll be managing it all himself and ready to face the workload of college without Mom looking over his shoulder.

So, now I need to go look at Edline and try to remember not to jump to conclusions, not to nag and not to be confrontational when we discuss it. I know what you’re thinking…”there is no way a self-professed control freak is going to be able to walk that line.” Maybe not, but I am going to try!

Brad, the “dad”

Let them alone, but stay involved. Help them, but don’t help them too much. Stay close, but not that close. Yipes. Nobody told us that the national pastime for parenting was Tug O’ War.

I’ve actually given up on subtlety when it comes to grades. Our middle-schooler made that possible when a Progress Report (one of those surprising little middle-of-the-term-it’s-not-a-grade-yet-but-watch-out mailings) showed up on the doorstep with a D+ on it. Yeah: DEE PLUS. From then on, worrying about whether I was being too interventionalist, whether I had to “let her fail” so she could learn, whether I was slowing down her personal development by making things too easy … all that? Floop! Out the window.

We don’t do D+’s in this house. And Edline is now only one of a whole arsenal of tools that I use without a moment’s hesitation to keep her on the straight-and-narrow (and she is: I’m proud to say the Elf was even more ashamed of losing academic control than I was, and the instant she realized there was no getting away clean, she buckled down. We’re back to A/B’s again.).

I know we can’t protect them from everything. But we didn’t teach her how to look both ways before she crossed the street by letting her play in traffic and get ding-bopped by a couple of cars. There are places she can fall down “safely” and places where it’s just plain stupid to let her fall. And I’ve come to the conclusion that grades mean too much – that the schools themselves have made grades mean too much – to let her report card be one of the “let them fail” places.

So I’m on her like a duck on a June bug …. and any time she gets a little grumpy about that, I only have to say two words and she ducks down and accepts it. It’s amazing what the simple utterance of “Dee Plus” can do.

Look on the bright side, “Mom.” Maybe your son can get a D or an F – just once! – and then you can lose the guilt, just like me.

Rach, the “teen”

For a few years in middle school I consistently brought home D’s. I acted a lot like the Elf did - I was so much more disappointed in myself than my parents were (that says a lot, they were heartbroken).

I agree though, too much focus is put on grades. It’s not about “the great war” or the quadratic formula anymore. It’s about getting an A. Learning has gone out the window in most schools. Grades, test scores and resume builders are what school is about. And, that’s really sad.

But this is a problem we can’t really bring up with the students or the schools. This is something we need to bring up with the government. Funding is determined by test scores, not students, and certainly not learning.

Nonetheless, a lot of emphasis is still put on grades. I still think programs that let parents “check in” on their kids are a bad idea. But the few parents that encourage their kids to use it a tool are making it all worthwhile.

I must admit, if I had kids and they were doing badly in school. I might use a program like that to make sure they were getting their grades up. I guess it’s a good thing, for parents whose kids don’t honestly tell their parents about schoolwork.

For ideas on how to talk with your teen about school, see ParentingTeensOnline Special May Hot Topic: Your Teens’ Teachers