Brad, the “dad”

I have a problem. Maybe you can help me nail it down.

Back in my day (at this point, all people under the age of about thirty have already stopped listening), manicures and pedicures were for the very rich and unpleasantly indolent. Nobody – I mean nobody – except grandmothers got their nails done. But today, it’s not just popular, it seems to have become absolutely required for every female over the age of…thirteen? Twelve? Even the Elf, who is not particularly trendy, wants her nails done, and for the college-bound Valkyrie it’s approaching addiction.

Haircuts I expected. The occasional party dress or entirely unnecessary but oh-so-cute pair of shoes – I get that. And this endless obsession with T-shirts that have “funny” sayings on them – I’ll live with that. But this nails and toes thing? It’s expensive. And they keep coming back for more, more, more. Apparently – hey, nobody told me – these things actually grow back.

So here’s my question: is it completely out of line for me to expect my daughters to start covering the cost of this? At least part of it? The haircuts and basic clothing, that tab I’ll pick up. But just how absolutely essential to life is the French Wrap (actually, I don’t think they do that anymore, but you know what I mean). And, how often is often enough?

If I look back at the checks I’ve written to Naomi’s Nail Oasis, I see I’m dropping a few hundred bucks a year on this, and that doesn’t include cash tips and touch-ups. And I can feel my hands trembling with dread and shame every time I have to write Naomi another one. But am I just being a fuddy-duddy here? Should I scrimp instead on, say, heart medication and just let this go?

Just how out of touch am I?

Rach, the “teen”

I bite my nails, so when I get them done, it’s for a special occasion. That is, I got them done for my first prom, and I’ll get them done every once in a while (that is, once a year, so I can hear the lady tell me that biting my nails is a disgusting habit).

So, “dad”, I don’t think you’re being silly or old fashioned. Getting your nails done is something that should be saved for proms, weddings and other special occasions. Painting nails is frivolous. If your daughters want it to be an every month (or week) situation - then they should totally, completely, entirely pay for it themselves. Or, tell them you’ll buy them some nail equipment and let them do it at home.

Nonetheless, I’m against long nails, and I’m against polish. Most of all: I’m anti-paying forty bucks for polish on my fingers and toes that will chip in three days.

Also: nice pun.

Mary, the “mom”

I’m with you Dad, if my daughters want to indulge in this particular little luxury then they can foot (no pun intended) the bill.

A number of years ago, I got caught up in this phenomenon. But after a few years, and a lot of time and money, I realized that it was just too much time and too much money. So, I quit.

So, when my 13 year old decided she had to have nails, I was sympathetic because she too was a nail biter. But, I made it clear that I wasn’t paying. I give my younger two children an allowance. (The oldest is old enough to work now, so his allowance is history.) If my daughter chose to spend her entire allowance getting her nails done (cause that’s what it would take) that was her decision. She does get a babysitting gig now and again, but really, you can’t count on that. So, at first she was really into it (when the babysitting jobs were coming), then she decided that she just couldn’t afford it (during a babysitting dry spell). Hallelujah!

I’m not against paying for the special occasion splurge. So, come the big eighth grade dance, I’ll probably treat her to a manicure and maybe even a pedicure. By prom, I think she should be able to foot (pun intended) the bill herself!

Mary, the “mom”

It’s that time again…time for back-to-school shopping. I don’t mean the new outfits my daughters just have to have. No, I mean the school supplies. It’s not so bad in our high school, but the amount of supplies required at the middle school is blowing me away this year.

I had a supply list for my fourth grader and I figured my other daughter, as a 13 year-old, eighth grader, could decide how she wanted to organize herself and select the appropriate materials. Which she did…and quite well, in my opinion. (One binder for her morning classes, one binder for afternoon classes and a separate small binder for French.) Then, a few days later, the letter arrives indicating the eighth grader’s home room assignment and a list of required supplies. It includes 8 ½ inches of binder! (That’s three - 2 inch binders, one - 1 ½ inch binder and one - 1 inch binder.) In addition she needs a three subject notebook and a marble composition notebook. I guess she’s going to be doing a lot of writing this year! Of course there are many other things on the list including index cards, post-its, mechanical pencils, pens, crayons!, and more.

Besides the issue of expense (this stuff really adds up!), and, besides the issue of wasted paper (how many years do they come home in June with three pages used in that marble composition book?), there’s the practical issue of how does a 5’ 2 1/2” (can’t forget the 1/2″!), 90 pound girl carry around 8 ½” of binder?

Is the supply list this big in your schools? Do you always follow the list? Or, do you just say “this is crazy” and buy what makes sense?

Rach, the “teen”

I hate binders. The last time I used one was in middle school, when all my teachers demanded that we have separate binders for every class (and they took off points if you didn’t have one). I think middle schoolers should be able to make their own choices about their supplies. And most middle schoolers are totally capable of doing that. But, there are those kids who stuff everything in their backpacks. The kids that don’t care about the papers, or the kids who just don’t know how to organize stuff. Those kids are incredibly common in middle and high school, and it makes sense that teachers want to correct that.

When it comes to carrying all that stuff around, there is a very simple solution. Getting quality backpacks and wearing them right. Getting a real backpack (not a tote bag, or or messenger bag), and wearing it with both straps will, all of a sudden, make all that stuff you have to carry seem a lot lighter.

Here’s another hint: it’s a back-pack, not a butt-pack. Wear it on your back, not bumping around on your butt.

Brad, the “dad”

Yes, I have tried my own little rebellion against the Paper Avalanche. I’ve even contacted teachers and said, “Look, I priced this out: you’re talking $150 if I buy everything every teacher is asking for. How about this idea instead…?” And I’ve had very, very little success. Most of the teachers just look at me like I’m from Jupiter for even suggesting a change to the lesson plan. The others shrug and then have the kids do their dirty work. The poor li’l girls have both come home teary-eyed on more than one occasion, convinced they will be flunked, flunked, if they don’t have EXACTLY the right three-ring two-inch double-pocket, lime-green, slip-covered binder that EVERYbody has.

And trust me, you want to have real fun, get your kid into a “project-based” school. There were times, I swear, when “project-based” seemed to mean little more than “spend another $50 on art supplies, binders, presentation boards, Styrofoam, and other stuff you thought you’d stopped buying when your kids got out of elementary-school art class.” They know me by name at Michael’s Art Supplies. I think they jack up the prices when they see me hit the parking lot.

My only line of defense: we stockpile like a son-of-a-gun. I scan the school-supply-and-stationery ads every week like a hawk hunting a bunny, and if anybody’s putting three-ring binders, notebook paper, gel-pens or pipe cleaners on sale, I am there. I’ve even been known to stop by the local stationery chain when it looms large in the windshield just to dredge through the “clearance” bin. And we’ve reserved a large chunk of closet space for inventory. We also have a standing rule: throw NO school supplies away until Dad’s had a chance to forage for re-useables (like the binder that’s broken after a week but has an inch thick of PERFECTLY USEABLE paper inside.)

Does it really save us much money, especially given the time Daddy spends harvesting staples? Probably not. But it does make me feel better – the illusion of control over one of the many leaks in the financial pipe that defines Parenting: The Teen Years.

Mary, the “mom”

It’s started. The search for the perfect college for my son. One that has a good reputation, but not so good that he can’t get in. One that is fun for him, but not too fun (for us). One that is far enough away that he feels as though he’s gone away, but not too far (for me). Other considerations for him are good food in the cafeteria, decent dorms, sports teams he can get excited about, a high ratio of girls to boys, and lest I forget, courses in his area of academic interest. Other considerations for us are tuition costs, tuition costs, and tuition costs.

As we start to look at various schools it has become apparent that he could probably be quite happy at any number of them. So, how does one decide? Rach, how did you decide where you wanted to go to college? “Dad”, how did the Valkyrie decide? Any suggestions for us?

Rach, the “teen”

Looking for colleges was the easiest part of “the process.” Lucky for me, my high school has a service called Naviance - it’s a web based program that helps students find colleges. You enter a lot of data about what you want - majors, location, ratio of girls and boys, sports teams, everything, it even lets you enter your test scores and gives you a little map that shows how likely it is that you’re going to be accepted. Despite what the map said, I applied to eight very competitive schools. Only one of which was not on the east coast (I like it here).

Deciding on a college was the hardest thing about “the process.” I was accepted to four, waitlisted at two, and rejected at two. The schools I was accepted to were great, but when I visited they didn’t seem right. The two schools that did feel right were, of course, one that I had been waitlisted on and one that had flat out rejected me (I cried for two hours when I got the little envelope). And so I wrote the most important email of my life, telling the waitlist school that I still really wanted to be there. The next day I got a phone call telling me that that email got me accepted (best day ever!).

So, you guys are in for it. My parents drove me to many a college, and were part of the process at all times. They were all kinds of moral support when I was writing essays (write them now, not later), and sending applications, and getting big and small envelopes back. My one word of advice is, start filling out applications in September, no matter when the deadline is. In the end, I chose what college felt right. I made a pro-con list of schools, but it was really the gut feeling that lead me to my final decision.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, “Mom,” we did pretty much what you’re already doing. First we talked with the Valk about what she seriously would like to study in depth …and it was amazing how many of her areas of interest withered under the heat-lamp of four long years. That discussion included what the heck she was planning to do with all of this passionately acquired knowledge when it came to, y’know, like, a job. Because as fun as we wanted college to be, we made it clear: this wasn’t going to be a 48-month all-expenses-paid vacation. Not at these prices.

Once that was done, we pulled out a map and decided how wide the circle would be. We live in Southern California; so our contention was that she could choose just about any field and find a top-flight school that taught that subject somewhere in our half of the state. Within our home town was too close, but two towns over was okay. More than three hours driving distance was too far, but she could manage about 200 miles because Grandma had given her a used car for graduation. Farther than that and it would be too hard to come home and do laundry on the weekends, she said. And then, after a moment, she added, “Oh, and to see you, of course.” Once we had drawn the “doughnut,” we started studying up on what schools fell within that circle.

What we didn’t do was add many other restrictions at this early stage. Private college, state colleges, state universities …didn’t matter. It just mattered that we get a clean list of eight (an arbitrary number) or more colleges “inside the circle” that could give her a good and applicable education. We got that list by flogging the Internet, reading a bunch of current-edition books standing up and reading fast in the local Borders or Barnes & Noble). And when we’d narrowed the list somewhat, we started asking friends, colleagues, co-workers, and relatives, if they knew anybody who had attended one of our ‘candidate’ schools. Maybe because our ‘doughnut’ was relatively local, we had a high hit-rate. And THEN, when the list was narrowed down to four…the visits, the tours, the talk about cost. And by the way, “Mom,” speaking of cost, private schools and state schools may or may not be more affordable than you think; don’t jump to conclusions.

Oh, and good luck! Because this is actually the fun part. It gets really rough a few months from now, after you’ve made your decisions…when you have to start actually applying to the schools of your choice. But that’s a whole different subject.

Mary, the “mom”

I look forward to the end of the school year almost as much as my kids do. First and foremost, I look forward to sleeping past 5:40 on weekdays. But I also look forward to a break from worrying about all the assignments, tests, projects etc. (I know they’re not my responsibility, so why would I worry? See my earlier posts about micro-managing and you’ll get the picture!) And, believe it or not, I actually enjoy spending time with my kids when everyone is relaxed, as opposed to the normal weekday routine where everyone, including me, is stressed out.

Okay, so today’s the last day, at least for my high school student. Now what? He should have a summer job, but he doesn’t yet. (See Rach’s post about her summer job dilemma and you’ll get the idea.) Regardless of how much I enjoy spending relaxed time with him, it won’t take long for the sleeping til noon and hanging around all day to get on my nerves.

So, I’ve explained to him that I will have a list of extra chores for him to do around the house until he gets a summer job. I fear that I’m about to trade nagging about school work for nagging about chores. Which, of course, is in addition to nagging about a summer job.

What are your kids doing this summer? How do you handle the sudden wealth of free time?

Rach, the “teen”

The post about the summer job really helped me. It got me more motivated, and more willing to really look. I knew I needed to get one, so I answered an advertisement, went in for an interview and got a summer job. I did it because sitting around the house listening to my parents nag was the last thing I wanted, and it’s the last thing your kids want to.

I think the first week of summer (right after school lets out) is a great time to sleep in late, hang out with friends and get all that classic summer stuff done. Then it’s time to work.

Last summer, my dad employed me (for minimum wage) to repaint two big benches we keep outside. It took me the entire summer, but it kept me busy. I think chores like that are good for middle and high school students. One or two big simple “around the house” chore they can do.

Paint something, plant a new garden, weekly “all house” cleanings. Something that they can do when they want (flexible hours), but for a certain amount of hours a week (say, 10), and something that they have to do (for the money, for the responsibility, for the drive to the mall you promised them).

It was hard painting those benches (yes, painting can be hard). But it was a good summer - because I made the rules about it. I got the work done, I felt responsible for the benches, and I got paid for it. With only a little nagging.

Brad, the “dad”

I guess I’m just the ol’ softy in the pack this time. Because I have seen how ridiculously hard the kidlings have been working this past year, on grades and friendships and special projects and community service, and I’m actually hearing myself saying, “Hey, it’s summer: take some time.”

Maybe I’m particularly easy on them this year because I can see the future. The Valkyrie will be heading off to college in exactly two months, and there’s a work-study gig and 13 units waiting for her there. The Elf will be starting at an academically demanding high school in just a little more than that – the same school her sister just escaped from – and, as she’s been saying herself, once she gets there the grades and extra-curricular stuff really start to count.

In some ways, this is the Last Great Summer for both of them. Adulthood, or a reasonable facsimile is just over the horizon. So if the Valk takes a month off (yeah, a month) to go road-tripping with her travelicious Mom, and the Elf spends a week or two (or three) doing little but sleeping in, going online and making art…okay. Just this once. Because from here on in, things are gonna get busier and more serious, and I want them to remember at least one more, one last, long, slow summer before the blitz begins.

Am I a fish in a barrel or what?

Read ParentingTeensOnline’s June Hot Topics for ideas for spending time with your teens this summer.

Rach, the “teen”

Right now I’m looking for a summer job. Actually, I’ve been looking since December. That means, I’m putting in lots and lots of applications, and getting few replies (most of which are: you don’t have sales experience?).

My parents have been bugging me constantly everyday since January. “Get a job, you need money for college!” I know, of course I know I need pocket money for college and to take care of my breaking car.

So, my dilemmas this week are: how do I manage a summer job, and still have time for goofing off with my friends? And, how can I get my parents to stop bugging me? I am trying really hard to get a job and their incessant nagging isn’t helping.

Brad, the “dad”

Here’s the bad news, Rach: your parents aren’t going to stop bugging you until you get a gig. They might cut back just a bit if you’re lookin’ and lookin’ hard, but this is one of the nasty lessons of the Grown-Up World: good RESULTS matter more than good INTENTIONS.

I have only one bit of advice – the same I gave to the Valkyrie: have no fear or shame in asking friends, friends of family, your parents’ co-workers, your neighbors, anybody on your e-mail list, people at church or teachers a school, if they know anybody, anywhere, who’s hiring. Most folks would MUCH rather hire somebody that comes in on a recommendation, and everybody loves to be the one who did the hookin’ up. So don’t be shy or think you sound pathetic. You don’t. You sound like somebody who wants to work, and in this world that’s rare all by itself. And surprisingly enough, most people are ready and even eager to help.

Oh, and as for goofing off with friends? FUN, ain’t it? You’ll still have time for that when you’re NOT working (or sleeping or driving to and from work), and trust me, that time with them will mean even more when there’s precious little of it. The old “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone” thing. Again. Yet ANOTHER harsh lesson from Grown-up Land.

And congrats on graduating AND being responsible. You rock.

Mary, the “mom”

Well Rach, I’m glad I’m not the only parent nagging their teen about getting a summer job. As “dad” said, they aren’t going to stop the nagging until you get a job — or win the lottery. Since the odds of getting a summer job are much better, I’d stick with that.

Again, I’ll agree with “dad” — aren’t you lucky that your “parents” see “eye-to-eye” on so many things — take advantage of any connection you can. Connections are my son’s only hope of getting work this summer!

I’ll throw in two more pieces of advice. First, be confident! When they say you don’t have sales experience, assure them that the only way for you to get sales experience is for them to hire you and since you are so wonderful and mature as to blog for ParentingTeensOnline, surely they should take a chance on you. Second, don’t be picky! This summer job isn’t a lifetime commitment. Does it really have to be sales? Compromise. Work a farm stand. An ice cream shop. A daycare center.

Here’s another idea: Maybe you should check out ParentingTeensOnline’s Resource Listings on After-School and Seasonal Jobs for Teens.

Whatever you end up with, you’ll still find time for your friends and you’ll be grateful come Fall for that pocket money. Good luck!

The “Dad”

The Elf – 13.666 years old (with the accent on the “666”) has just made a major-league pitch to us for a…for a…tattoo. And not just some tiny little rose on her ankle you could cover with a stocking or a sports bandage or a skin graft. This time the Elf is living up to her nickname. “It’s a hand?” she told me. “But smaller, like a gnome or a fairy’s hand? And it’s curling around from behind, like it’s grabbing my arm. Won’t that be cool?”

I have to hand it to myself: my head did not explode. But I hauled out every counter-argument I could think of. I tried the ‘health’ angle, and I she showed me articles on how safe “skin art” was these days. I said, “Nobody your age is getting –“ and she listed half a dozen kids in her 8^th grade class who already had tattoos. I even tried Being Reasonable – I was that desperate. “Honey,” I said, “I know how much you want this, but really, I think –“

She put an affectionate hand on my arm and smiled – no, really, she actually smiled “Daddy,” she said. “I love you – you know that. But I don’t care what you think.”

I was stumped. The best I could do was cross my arms and looked oh-so-very stern and say, “We’ll see.”

“Right,” she said. “I’m going to go talk to Mom.”

I’m going to have to get there first. Seriously: The Mom and I are going to have to talk this through. ’m dead-set against it, and I think she is, too. And of course The Elf can’t get it done without a note from her parents. But we’re going to have to formulate a really good counter-offensive to avoid getting…well, you know, offensive.

There’s not going to be any tattoo. Not on my watch. But I’d really like her to agree that it’s not a great idea, at least for a few years. Or decades. Or lifetimes.

The “Teen”

To be completely honest, I don’t have any really strong feelings about tattoos. I’ve seen some cool ones, and I’ve seen some really horrible ones. The cool ones, well, they tend to be on people who are really extreme. Old punk rockers covered in tattoos, that’s pretty cool, very hardcore. Teenagers with lame body art, not so cool.

It’s cool that The Elf is so open about what she wants. But it’s too bad that she wants a tattoo. It’s going to be hard to convince her that getting a tattoo at 13 is a bad idea, because it can be hard to persuade someone to not do something.

I feel like getting a tattoo is like picking out a shirt. A shirt that you would never take off. A shirt that you would wear every single solitary day. You’d want that shirt to be perfect, right? It would need to look good with all your other clothes. It would have to be appropriate at weddings and funerals, during school and during play. It would be a permanent fixture of your life forever and ever.

The “Mom”

I’m with “Dad” – not on my watch!

I agree that it would be great if The Elf could come around to agreeing that a tattoo doesn’t make sense, but if she doesn’t, this is a battle to pick. (You know, “they” always say, ‘pick your battles’.)

So, you’ve tried a few arguments and none have made an impression. I’d focus on how her tastes have changed – and will continue to change. The hair style that looked so “cool” two years, but she wouldn’t be caught dead with now. Or, the outfit that was a ‘must-have’, that’s now been discarded as “so yesterday”. What happens when she changes her mind about the tattoo? I know, The Elf will say “but, I won’t change my mind”. But, we know she will.

Stick to your guns! — with loving explanations of why and the promise that if she still wants a tattoo when she turns 18, she can do it. She’ll thank you for this down the road. Of course, in the meantime, you’ll probably pay for it in many creative ways!

Check out You Want To Do What?!!! A Parent’s Guide to Body Decoration from ParentingTeensOnline.