Mary, the “mom”

People are upset and angry; they’re petitioning their representatives; they’re writing letters to the editor.  Why?  The choice for the 2009 high school play!  A few weeks ago, the high school drama department announced that the 2009 play would be Rent: School Edition.  My reaction went along the lines of “Cool, something different; a little edgy”.  Boy, am I naïve!  This week, our small town newspaper features a cover story about how upset people are and how they’re petitioning the school boards to prevent this play and a letter to the editor encouraging citizens to contact the high school and express their dismay.

I am well aware that I am a tad more liberal than the average middle class suburbanite, even in New Jersey, but I just didn’t realize the extent of the divide.  People are signing a petition because they are upset about high school kids being exposed to themes such as homosexuality, drug abuse, HIV/AIDS, promiscuity, etc.  I, on the other hand, see only good from exposing them to these themes.  Maybe they’ll be more tolerant of the peer who “comes out of the closet”, or more cognizant of the risk of AIDS/HIV and the dangers of promiscuity and drug abuse.  I want my teenagers exposed to these themes, not sheltered from them.  Am I off base?  What does the rest of the family think?

Rach, the “older teen”

My high school did Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. The total body in our rendition of the play was well over ten. Ten high school students pretended to get murdered then eaten on stage. I was the stage manager, and we sold out almost every show. It was a hit, people loved it!

In case you don’t know, Sweeny Todd was a barber who killed people, then his girlfriend made them into meat pies - it’s a true story, he killed hundreds then fed them to fellow Londoners, but is significantly less famous than Jack the Ripper, who only killed five.

If my high school did Rent, there would be a lot of angry parents. I find this incredibly disturbing. Homosexuality, sex, and drugs are all considered less school appropriate than murder and cannibalism? That’s messed up. Being open and honest about sex and all types of sexuality is a good thing, murder is not. I believe that teens (and tweens) should be well educated (really educated, not just told to “say no”) about sexuality, pregnancy, and drugs.

Of course, I take a stand that most don’t seem to agree with. We let our kids watch the nightly news filled with murders, rapes and fires - but we won’t let our kids watch movies that have naked people in them? Gosh, we sure live in a seriously messed up society.

Brad, the “dad”

This part of the family is sick-to-death-tired of people sticking their collective heads in the sand.  “Exposing their children to homosexuality, drug abuse, HIV/AIDS, and promiscuity”?  What, like they’ve never heard of these things before?

I admit, we live in a far more urban, and some would say more ’sophisticated’ environment.  To me, there’s nothing sophisticated about it.  It’s just the world, and what with mass media, free and easy travel, and the global economy it seems to be pretty much the same all over.  And I’ve had too many friends die of AIDS, seen too many have unwanted pregnancies and unhappy marriages, suffered with too many friends who’ve had drug problems or died of overdoses to think that avoiding “exposure” to any of the above, pretending to be unaware of them, would do anything but make matters worse.  Ignorance does not breed anything but grief.

And they’re not too young.  We weren’t “too young” thirty years ago when I was in high school; we just pretended we were.  The first suicide I was ‘exposed’ to was back in high school.  So were the first instances of promiscuity.  And drug abuse.  And alcohol abuse.  And one of my best friends in high school “came out” in college, and two others died within the decade from HIV.  Mostly because, you know, we didn’t TALK about “gay cancer” back then.  And in this case, not talking about it killed them.

I know these people think that RENT somehow ‘celebrates’ these lifestyles simply by showing that some people who are gay or sick or making bad decisions still have some element of dignity and potential for happiness in the face of tragedy; that they have some fragment of hope in their lives despite everything.  But RENT doesn’t make any of these challenges look particularly attractive.  I can’t imagine anybody leaving the show and thinking, “Oh, boy, I sure wish that was ME!”  So what’s the problem?  That it’s not Annie?  Or Sound of Music?  No, wait, we can’t go there: Rodgers and Hammerstein might expose them to themes involving fascism, anti-authoritarianism, and people of other, less desirable, religious faiths.

Sheesh. 

If you asked me, RENT shouldn’t just be allowed in your school.  Attendance should be mandatory.  And then they should take it on the road and bring it to OUR schools. 

Sorry. That REALLY annoyed me.  Probably because I’ve fought this same fight in middle schools and high school over and over and over.  And like I said: I’m sick-to-death-tired of it.

Enjoy the show.  It’s great.

Lauren, the “younger teen”

In EVERY high school there are teens who are having sex, there are kids doing drugs, there are homosexual kids, and so on. (Gasp!). So, show teens how dangerous HIV/AIDS are and how important safe sex is. Let teens truly understand that there’s a reason that most drugs are illegal. Drugs are dangerous! Being homosexual is hardest during the teen years. Help those students understand they’re not alone. Doing a play is a much better way to teach these topics to teens rather than sitting in a stuffy health classroom. Also, it makes something very dangerous, such as AIDs, which most teens say “can’t happen to me”, more realistic.

Some parents know kids do these things but think “not my child”. Some parents are completely oblivious and think teens are innocent children. So many parents are unaware in one way or another of what’s going on in their teen’s life. So I think it’s the perfect play to help both the students and parents to understand and make them more aware.

Lauren, guest teen blogger

It’s the beginning of eighth grade and everyone seems to be talking about high school. The teachers are all talking about how different high school will be and that no one will be there to “hold our hands”. The high school fair is coming up where schools in the area come to talk to us. But, most of all it’s the students talking about which high school they plan to attend. Our town doesn’t have our own high school, so we send to another school in a neighboring town. I think because of that, many students feel they want to attend private schools or at least not the public school our district feeds to. Around here there are some other good options. We have many different county schools that are free and a great education, but there you lack the normal high school experience and you need to be willing to specialize. There’s a county school that’s great for technology, one for if you want to be a doctor, one for marine and ocean sciences, and several more. Then, there are the extremely competitive, private, non-religious schools, which cost a fortune. Finally, there are catholic schools that aren’t really such great schools and are pretty expensive. Those are the main schools other than the public school that students attend.

So the question is “why does it seem to be such a hard decision?” For many girls, I think they may be intimidated by the big public high school which is also fed into by another school where the kids seem to be a bit tougher. Since my brother is already attending, I’m not that worried about that. So, for me, it’s either the standard public high school or this county school for technology. I want the “normal high school experience”, but the technology school offers a great education (for free!) and I’m really interested in what they have to offer. So what do you guys think about the high school decision?

Rach, the “teen”

First let me tell you this: the teachers who tell you that high school is different (read: way hard), those teachers are lying to you. Freshman year is all about teachers helping you. Being a freshman is kind of like being in a big prep class for the rest of high school. Unless you’re planning on taking all AP classes, you’ll be fine. High school isn’t as hard as they say.

When it comes to specialized high schools, I think they are a terrible idea. Like, fantastically bad. That is, when I was 13, and going into high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be. At least, I would certainly not have expected to be interested in so many things. I think specializing that early is bad for the majority of kids.

Think of it like this, when I was nine, I wanted to be an astronaut. At 15, I desperately wanted to be an artist. Now, at 18, I have no idea what I want from my life. When you were nine, what did you want to be? If you choose the specialized school, you get a very specific education that may fit in with what you want now, but it might or might not fit in with what you want later. Like me and being an astronaut, I would have been seriously regretting that decision now, had I chosen then to go into science. Or into a specialized art school at 15. Rounded is good.

So, right now you’ve got to choose between a classic high school experience and one that is more fitted to what you might want in a career. If you were my real sister, I would encourage you to go for the public school.

Brad, the “dad”

Way, way, way back in the Triassic when I went to high school, there wasn’t any choice at all. There was the public high school nearest to you – no intradistrict transfers back then, let me tell you – and there was the Catholic high school that was for actual Catholics. But now? For both my daughters, we had to struggle with far too many choices, and that’s not unusual. So welcome to the party, Lauren. Sorry.

I have to agree with Rach here: a lot of the scare-talk about how different and huge and terrifying high school will be is exactly that: scare-talk. Only those afflicted with genius or obsession should even think about single-subject schools (and that’s a much, much smaller group than you think. P.S. You’re not one of them). On the other hand, the idea of a “real high school experience” is equally fantastical. Our li’l ones went (are going) to a project-based high school that’s far from home and has only about 400 kids, and we agonized about the same thing: will they get a “real” high school experience in such a small, non-neighborhood-y place? And it’s true, there isn’t a cheerleading squad or a CIF football team there, but The Girls didn’t suffer (they wouldn’t have been cheerleaders or quarterbacks anyway); today they are socially well-adjusted, and so far there’s been no difficulty in getting into college. So what is a “real high school experience,” anyway? My observation? It’s the one you have, not the one you see on TV or other people tell you about (that, after all, is their “real high school experience”).

My advice: ask everybody you know, with kids in and recently out of high school, for recommendations. If you’re lucky, there will be some options within your public school district. But check out charter schools, open-enrollment church-based schools, any private schools you can honestly afford. You’ll find that almost all of them offer you a chance to “shadow” a current student for a full day – not just to go on a tour and get a sales pitch, but to actually attend classes, hang out at lunch, talk to the current students. (And if they don’t offer that kind of access…cross them off the list.) Then choose the one (or ones – options, always options!) that ‘feels’ the most comfortable.

And most important of all: don’t worry about it, no matter what those icky grown-ups and teachers say. The experience you’ll have in high school will have as much to do with you, and how you approach it, as it does with the school itself…and if you go in next Fall determined to enjoy yourself, learn what you can, and move on to college in a few years, you’ll be fine. In fact, you’ll be great.

Rach, the “teen”

My hall has had five kids go to the hospital in the first six weeks of college. Everyone who lives on this hall is underage. Still, every weekend a group of us meet in the common room and we all walk together to the frat that’s having the best party. Clearly, underage drinking is a problem on my campus. But we’re not alone, this happens at almost every college.

We have had lots and lots of meetings and assemblies on how to take care of a drunk person, the signs of alcohol poisoning and when it’s time to call 911. But we haven’t had a single meeting on how to drink responsibly. This bothers me, not everyone experiments, but those who do, are not told how to manage them selves. Those who don’t drink are taught how to manage the drunk kids. Besides being unfair, this sucks for those of us who want to be responsible.

I’m angry that I went to a school that has greek life and a partying culture. The thing is, a lot of college presidents want to lower the drinking age. The president of my college isn’t on that list. He might or might not want to lower the age, I don’t know. But what I do know, is that drinking is a huge culture at my college, and yet the frats and sports houses are open every weekend letting freshman in. And that makes me regret my decision to come here. To be honest, the fact that there was Greek life here had no effect on my decision, I didn’t even think about it.

So “mom” and “dad,” what do you think about the drinking age, the college presidents who want to lower it, and schools that have such a huge culture of drinking?

Mary, the “mom”

I have such mixed emotions about this.

I wonder why your college spends time teaching about how to take care of a drunk person instead of how to drink responsibly. I expect that their lawyers tell them that it’s unacceptable to lecturing on how to drink responsibly to an audience of students for whom drinking is illegal. That’s a shame, given the reality.

I wonder if those kids would drink so much if it wasn’t taboo – if there was a pub and having a beer or two was no big deal. Maybe the “greeks” still would, but at least the rest of you would have something else to do on the weekend.

I wonder how “we” can let an 18-year-old risk their life serving in the military, but not allow them a beer.

I wonder how “we” can consider 17-year-olds old enough to marry and have a child, but not old enough to toast with a glass of champagne. (Of course, alcohol may well be how they got in the mess in the first place and, given the pregnancy, they shouldn’t be toasting anyway.)

I wonder how “our” system could actually charge nice kids like you with a crime if the authorities caught you having a beer with your friends.

Then I read what Stephen Wallace, Chairman of SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) has to say on the issue and I think my wonderings are outdated. I was in high school (17 years old) at the time when the states were raising the drinking age. Having grown up with the drinking age being 18, I resented the change. I guess I still harbor that teenage resentment. But, as a parent, I have to take Mr. Wallace seriously. His statistics are eye-opening. The driving fatalities stat is the one that bothers me the most. The thing is, even if you trust your own kid to not drive drunk, what about everyone else on the roads? And, there is no way I think high school kids should be drinking and the lower the drinking age, the easier access to alcohol becomes for the high school set.

So, while I have some reservations about it, I think the legal drinking age needs to stay where it is. And, bottom line, I have trouble believing that this effort is going to get any real traction. As, for the culture of drinking, I have no idea how we fix that – maybe I’ll ponder it over a glass of wine later.

Brad, the “dad”

Really interesting, Rachel – and really disturbing. Because the Valkyrie came home from college just this weekend and told me about the three boys that live right across the hall from her in their co-ed dorm, and how two of them are drunk pretty much all the time, and the third about half the time. And that’s not really very unusual in college c. 2008, she tells me. La, la.

So I’m worried.Plenty worried.

I have to be honest: I was a pretty enthusiastic drinker in my twenties (post-college in my case, but so what?), and boy howdy, I was good at it. Lots of parties, and lots of stupid decisions. Inexplicably, I survived, and for some reason I lost the ability to function with alcohol in my system right around the age of 30 – apparently I’d used of all my Get Out of Hangover Free cards in less than a decade – so alcohol was a relatively rare thing in our house by the time the Valk and the Elf came along (they actually don’t believe my “back when I was drinking like a fish” stories; that’s just not me, they say.). But I know how easy it is to fall into, even for smart and stable kids; Frankly, I know how much fun it can be – at first, when you’re young and bullet-proof. So yeah: it worries me.

But the Valk’s college isn’t quite like yours. The Chancellor has openly, repeatedly stated that he’s against lowering the drinking age – he thinks it’s just a ploy to avoid taking responsibility – and a big part of the school’s (apparently highly ineffective) orientation program was about not drinking, as well as dealing with the drunks you’d run into. They’re trying to cope by putting policies into place that aren’t quite ‘zero tolerance’ – and I agree with them, I think zero tolerance is a stupid, modern-day variation on Prohibition, and doomed from the outset . But they have already suspended one kid (for a first-night-at-college binge that resulted in alcohol poisoning) and said “Al-A-Teen or expulsion” to two others (including one of the guys across the hall) in her dorm alone.  And AA has meetings right on campus, every night.  What’s more, the RA’s have no trouble confronting the drinkers directly, and the Valk swears that these drinking kids, and others like them, are being ostracized from most activities. Binging is hugely popular with a small group, it seems, but avoided and even shunned by the majority — including, by the way, the majority of Greeks on campus.

So she says. And so I believe. Because I have absolutely no alternative but to trust she’s not into it. After all, at this distance, there’s nothing I can do. And as for changing the culture that says, “Drinking until you’re so hammered you throw up and fall over in your own sick is FUN!”…heck, I don’t know how it got to that point in the first place, so how can it be fixed? We just have to shiver in our jammies and hope that even the semi-healthy students will see just how dangerous and stupid binge drinking is, and take a step back into the Land of the Occasional Beer.

But truthfully? Confidence is low, Ground Control. Confidence is low.

Mary, the “mom”

My thirteen-year-old daughter recently observed that she and her friends are much more aware of the current presidential election than she remembered being four years ago.  She follows the news and the polls, and watched the debate.  She wondered whether this increased level of interest was just because they were older (although her sister who is four year’s younger is pretty aware), or perhaps a result of a Social Studies teacher they all had in seventh grade who really brought politics to life.  While I’m sure both of those points are relevant, I think this election has everyone a bit more engaged than in recent years.

First, there’s the historic composition of the tickets – the first African American man to be the presidential nominee of a major party the first woman to be the Republican vice-presidential nominee.  As many have pointed out, whichever part wins, this election makes history. Second, I think, is the theme of “Change”.  This is a concept teens can really relate to.  Finally, I think it’s the way the internet has changed how the candidates interact with the public.  The campaigns both have Facebook and MySpace pages and appear regularly on YouTube, a surefire way to reach young audiences.

I think it’s wonderful that these young teens are following the election and educating themselves about the issues.  My daughter won’t be quite old enough to vote in the next presidential election, but if she stays this engaged, by the time she is old enough to vote, she should be quite an educated voter. 

So, Rach, are you into this election?  “Dad”, are your daughters following it closely?  What about the rest of you, do you find your kids more engaged in the political process than in the past?

Rach, the “teen”

I’m pretty invested in this election. I credit this to the fact that I am old enough to vote. I voted in the primaries, and I plan to vote in the presidential election. The last election, the one in ‘04 (when I was 13), had little effect on me. I had no real feelings about the whole thing. It seemed silly that young teens would be so invested in something that essentially had no effect on them at all.

The thing is, when I was thirteen, I was forming strong opinions on things that didn’t seem political to me at the time. I thought politics was all economy and oil prices and attacks on our country. I think being politically involved as a young teen is awesome, as long as your political opinions and views are your own. And not a mirror of what your parents, or what your society says.

Anyway, now that I can vote, I am much more interested, because I’m realizing that this really effects me. My health, my education, and my human rights are all on the line. And that’s a scary thought, knowing that I am in charge of me, and my voice won’t be heard unless I stay active in politics.

Brad, the “dad”

As a long-time political junkie (my own father was actually a local politician when I was in my teens), I’m actually a bit disappointed: neither the Valkyrie at 17 or the Elf at 14 are particularly interested in THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.  I suspect it’s a bit of typical parental backlash: Dad and Mom are SO into it, the girls are already bored by it before it begins.  This is further enhanced — or dis-enhanced — by some bad birth-luck: The Valkyrie turns 18 literally the day after the election, so she can’t vote, and — particularly with so much else going on during her first month in college — she just can’t get herself interested.

The funny thing is, they’ve both made up their minds — they made them up a long time ago.  It’s not that they don’t appreciate the importance of the election (though the Elf has told me that if I say, “Hey!  You’re witnessing history here, damn it!” one more time, she will kick me in the shins.); it’s just that — among their peers, anyway — it’s virtually a foregone conclusion, and entirely non-historic.  Mixed-race candidate?  They have friends that look like Obama.  Women running on the ticket?  Mom may be bursting with pride, but their reaction is basically, “Well, duh, what did you expect?”

I find this oddly encouraging.  What seems to revolutionary to old fogies like me is just business-as-usual to them.  Of course there will be African Americans in high office (Los Angeles has a Latino mayor, after all, as the Valk pointed out to me recently, so what is the big deal?).  And of course there will be women in the White House sooner rather than later.  And the fact that they see it as more than just inevitable — as what already is – actually gives me hope for the future. 

Maybe this tale is already told.  Maybe the ‘change’ we’re all so eager for, regardless of your party affiliation, has, in fact, already happened in the hearts and minds of our children…and we just haven’t noticed yet.

Now that’s the kind of change I can believe in.

Rach, the “teen”

I moved into college about two weeks ago. So far things are going well: I have lots of new friends on my hall, my classes all seems superbly interesting and I’ve been applying for some pretty cool campus jobs.

My dilemma this week is: how can I learn to manage working and playing with out losing my mind. That is, how can a teen living entirely independently for the first time learn to deal with studying and partying with out getting overwhelmed by either?

My HA (hall advisor) says it’s best to plan out entire days, have scheduled time for “fun” - but that’s not how fun works. Spontaneity is half the fun of, well, fun. I’m really worried that I won’t leave enough time for just hanging around, or that I’ll burn out and not get any of my work done. What did you do, and how can I get my parents help me out with this?

Mary, the “mom”

Wow, Rach! Great question and one that I wish I knew the answer to. I tend to be the kind of (uptight) person who has trouble having fun when there’s work hanging over my head. Don’t get me wrong, I like to kick back and relax and I like to have fun, but I like to get the work done first. Somehow I just can’t relax and enjoy when I know there something I should be doing. Or, in the case of a long term project, I need to know that I’m on track with it. Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly when this kicked in. I think it was when I went to college and was terrified of letting my work slip.

So, I guess my answer would be: do the work, and then go have fun or at least plan a set time to do the work before you go have fun. It doesn’t mean you can’t be spontaneous. It just means that when some fun opportunity interrupts your work, you need to decide whether you will have time to do the work later. Sometimes, the answer will be no and if that’s the case you should probably turn down the fun opportunity.

Learning this balancing act is at the heart of my concerns about letting my son manage his own workload versus me keeping on top of him about it. He’s got to learn to make these decisions on his own before he gets to college. On the other hand, the objective right now is to get him there.

Brad, the “dad”

My daughter The Elf is a tough li’l girl. At fourteen-going-on-forty, she has, over the last year, become the exact opposite of the emotional, sullen stereotype (except for the language. What a mouth that girl has…). But I think her hard-won maturity is working against her at the moment, and I feel absolutely unable to help.

She starts high school in a few days. And I can tell: she’s absolutely terrified. She’s not sleeping. She’s not eating. And this is a girl who loves to eat and sleep. Without end and with much enthusiasm. She did emerge at around four in the morning to very quietly confess to me (as I recall) that she was very nervous about Opening Day, and nothing I said seemed to help at all.

It doesn’t matter that she’s going to the same school her older sister successfully completed. It doesn’t matter that she’s been on the campus half a dozen times already, or that she’s going to be carpooling with her two best friends. It’s new, it’s unknown, and it’s killing her.

I know — at least I hope — that two days after she gets there, she’ll be fine. But I want to be able to help her now, to do something other than mouth the standard (and, it seems to me, rather dismissive) clichés: “Oh, it’s just nerves,” “Oh, it’s not that bad,” and of course my classic all-purpose, “You know, on my first day of school…”

So “Mom”? “Daughter”? Any advice? I don’t want to dote, but I don’t want to abandon her either. How can I help her through this, ’cause somehow just being stoic isn’t cutting it.

Rach, the “teen”

The best thing you can do is distract her. If she spends all day sitting around thinking about how scary its gonna be, then it’s gonna be pretty scary. But if she spends all day thinking about something else, then it’ll be pretty hard for her to worry about the first day.

So, telling her about your first day isn’t such a terrible idea. Or you could just wait it out, because in a few days she’ll be feeling happy and excited and like she knows everything about high school. And that will be awesome.

Mary, the “mom”

I have to admit that I started to think about how to answer “dad’s” query before I saw Rach’s response. My suggestions were going to be dramatically different than Rach’s. I was thinking along the lines of “sit down with her and have her really try to dissect what it is that she is so nervous about and then deal with that rationally.” But, when I saw Rach’s response, I thought “well, she is a heck of a lot closer to this than I am, maybe I am way off base here.” So, I asked my own kids at the dinner table tonight.

My thirteen year-old, who is starting eighth grade was quick to point out that she is closer in age to the Elf than anyone else voicing an opinion. She agreed with Rach – distract her. Although, I think that in my daughter’s mind distraction equated to ‘take her shopping and buy her lots of new stuff’. My son, who is a junior in high school this year suggested that the Elf’s older sister might be a better person to talk with her. Although, he did add the caveat that his suggestion would only work if they get along with each other better than his sisters do.

Whatever you decide to say or do, I think the fact that she knows that you understand that she’s nervous and that you care is comforting. And, next week when she is too busy texting her new friends to answer your questions about how its going, you can rest easy.

Mary, the “mom”

It’s that time again…time for back-to-school shopping. I don’t mean the new outfits my daughters just have to have. No, I mean the school supplies. It’s not so bad in our high school, but the amount of supplies required at the middle school is blowing me away this year.

I had a supply list for my fourth grader and I figured my other daughter, as a 13 year-old, eighth grader, could decide how she wanted to organize herself and select the appropriate materials. Which she did…and quite well, in my opinion. (One binder for her morning classes, one binder for afternoon classes and a separate small binder for French.) Then, a few days later, the letter arrives indicating the eighth grader’s home room assignment and a list of required supplies. It includes 8 ½ inches of binder! (That’s three - 2 inch binders, one - 1 ½ inch binder and one - 1 inch binder.) In addition she needs a three subject notebook and a marble composition notebook. I guess she’s going to be doing a lot of writing this year! Of course there are many other things on the list including index cards, post-its, mechanical pencils, pens, crayons!, and more.

Besides the issue of expense (this stuff really adds up!), and, besides the issue of wasted paper (how many years do they come home in June with three pages used in that marble composition book?), there’s the practical issue of how does a 5’ 2 1/2” (can’t forget the 1/2″!), 90 pound girl carry around 8 ½” of binder?

Is the supply list this big in your schools? Do you always follow the list? Or, do you just say “this is crazy” and buy what makes sense?

Rach, the “teen”

I hate binders. The last time I used one was in middle school, when all my teachers demanded that we have separate binders for every class (and they took off points if you didn’t have one). I think middle schoolers should be able to make their own choices about their supplies. And most middle schoolers are totally capable of doing that. But, there are those kids who stuff everything in their backpacks. The kids that don’t care about the papers, or the kids who just don’t know how to organize stuff. Those kids are incredibly common in middle and high school, and it makes sense that teachers want to correct that.

When it comes to carrying all that stuff around, there is a very simple solution. Getting quality backpacks and wearing them right. Getting a real backpack (not a tote bag, or or messenger bag), and wearing it with both straps will, all of a sudden, make all that stuff you have to carry seem a lot lighter.

Here’s another hint: it’s a back-pack, not a butt-pack. Wear it on your back, not bumping around on your butt.

Brad, the “dad”

Yes, I have tried my own little rebellion against the Paper Avalanche. I’ve even contacted teachers and said, “Look, I priced this out: you’re talking $150 if I buy everything every teacher is asking for. How about this idea instead…?” And I’ve had very, very little success. Most of the teachers just look at me like I’m from Jupiter for even suggesting a change to the lesson plan. The others shrug and then have the kids do their dirty work. The poor li’l girls have both come home teary-eyed on more than one occasion, convinced they will be flunked, flunked, if they don’t have EXACTLY the right three-ring two-inch double-pocket, lime-green, slip-covered binder that EVERYbody has.

And trust me, you want to have real fun, get your kid into a “project-based” school. There were times, I swear, when “project-based” seemed to mean little more than “spend another $50 on art supplies, binders, presentation boards, Styrofoam, and other stuff you thought you’d stopped buying when your kids got out of elementary-school art class.” They know me by name at Michael’s Art Supplies. I think they jack up the prices when they see me hit the parking lot.

My only line of defense: we stockpile like a son-of-a-gun. I scan the school-supply-and-stationery ads every week like a hawk hunting a bunny, and if anybody’s putting three-ring binders, notebook paper, gel-pens or pipe cleaners on sale, I am there. I’ve even been known to stop by the local stationery chain when it looms large in the windshield just to dredge through the “clearance” bin. And we’ve reserved a large chunk of closet space for inventory. We also have a standing rule: throw NO school supplies away until Dad’s had a chance to forage for re-useables (like the binder that’s broken after a week but has an inch thick of PERFECTLY USEABLE paper inside.)

Does it really save us much money, especially given the time Daddy spends harvesting staples? Probably not. But it does make me feel better – the illusion of control over one of the many leaks in the financial pipe that defines Parenting: The Teen Years.

Mary, the “mom”

It’s started. The search for the perfect college for my son. One that has a good reputation, but not so good that he can’t get in. One that is fun for him, but not too fun (for us). One that is far enough away that he feels as though he’s gone away, but not too far (for me). Other considerations for him are good food in the cafeteria, decent dorms, sports teams he can get excited about, a high ratio of girls to boys, and lest I forget, courses in his area of academic interest. Other considerations for us are tuition costs, tuition costs, and tuition costs.

As we start to look at various schools it has become apparent that he could probably be quite happy at any number of them. So, how does one decide? Rach, how did you decide where you wanted to go to college? “Dad”, how did the Valkyrie decide? Any suggestions for us?

Rach, the “teen”

Looking for colleges was the easiest part of “the process.” Lucky for me, my high school has a service called Naviance - it’s a web based program that helps students find colleges. You enter a lot of data about what you want - majors, location, ratio of girls and boys, sports teams, everything, it even lets you enter your test scores and gives you a little map that shows how likely it is that you’re going to be accepted. Despite what the map said, I applied to eight very competitive schools. Only one of which was not on the east coast (I like it here).

Deciding on a college was the hardest thing about “the process.” I was accepted to four, waitlisted at two, and rejected at two. The schools I was accepted to were great, but when I visited they didn’t seem right. The two schools that did feel right were, of course, one that I had been waitlisted on and one that had flat out rejected me (I cried for two hours when I got the little envelope). And so I wrote the most important email of my life, telling the waitlist school that I still really wanted to be there. The next day I got a phone call telling me that that email got me accepted (best day ever!).

So, you guys are in for it. My parents drove me to many a college, and were part of the process at all times. They were all kinds of moral support when I was writing essays (write them now, not later), and sending applications, and getting big and small envelopes back. My one word of advice is, start filling out applications in September, no matter when the deadline is. In the end, I chose what college felt right. I made a pro-con list of schools, but it was really the gut feeling that lead me to my final decision.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, “Mom,” we did pretty much what you’re already doing. First we talked with the Valk about what she seriously would like to study in depth …and it was amazing how many of her areas of interest withered under the heat-lamp of four long years. That discussion included what the heck she was planning to do with all of this passionately acquired knowledge when it came to, y’know, like, a job. Because as fun as we wanted college to be, we made it clear: this wasn’t going to be a 48-month all-expenses-paid vacation. Not at these prices.

Once that was done, we pulled out a map and decided how wide the circle would be. We live in Southern California; so our contention was that she could choose just about any field and find a top-flight school that taught that subject somewhere in our half of the state. Within our home town was too close, but two towns over was okay. More than three hours driving distance was too far, but she could manage about 200 miles because Grandma had given her a used car for graduation. Farther than that and it would be too hard to come home and do laundry on the weekends, she said. And then, after a moment, she added, “Oh, and to see you, of course.” Once we had drawn the “doughnut,” we started studying up on what schools fell within that circle.

What we didn’t do was add many other restrictions at this early stage. Private college, state colleges, state universities …didn’t matter. It just mattered that we get a clean list of eight (an arbitrary number) or more colleges “inside the circle” that could give her a good and applicable education. We got that list by flogging the Internet, reading a bunch of current-edition books standing up and reading fast in the local Borders or Barnes & Noble). And when we’d narrowed the list somewhat, we started asking friends, colleagues, co-workers, and relatives, if they knew anybody who had attended one of our ‘candidate’ schools. Maybe because our ‘doughnut’ was relatively local, we had a high hit-rate. And THEN, when the list was narrowed down to four…the visits, the tours, the talk about cost. And by the way, “Mom,” speaking of cost, private schools and state schools may or may not be more affordable than you think; don’t jump to conclusions.

Oh, and good luck! Because this is actually the fun part. It gets really rough a few months from now, after you’ve made your decisions…when you have to start actually applying to the schools of your choice. But that’s a whole different subject.

Rach, the “teen”

In thirty-eight days I will be moving my stuff into a college dorm room. In thirty-nine days I will totally be freaking out, because, oh my god, I’m in college.

I’m pretty worried about it, the whole college thing. It’s not the roommate, the food, the classes or the friends, and it’s not being on my own. I don’t know what’s been making me so anxious. I’ve asked my other college-bound friends and they don’t really seem to know either. Some of them have specific fears, and some of us are just having general “wow, college” fears.

High school was good for me; things went pretty smoothly all around - and I’m expecting college to be completely different. So, what are the biggest differences between high school and college, and how did you deal with the transition and all the worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Oh Rach, first of all, it’s flattering that you think I still remember anything from so long ago!

But, seriously, I really do feel for you. It’s so exciting and so scary.

I do remember being so excited to be independent but feeling forlorn when my mother left me at school the first time. It didn’t last long. Everyone was in the same boat and it was easy to make friends.

I was very anxious about the classes, thinking I had coasted through high school and now it was going to be really hard. I just made up my mind to work hard and not fall behind in my classes and it worked. These days, virtually no one can coast through high school, so I’m sure you’ve already learned the good study habits that will make that transition smooth. Not to get off track here, but, this is where I worry about my son and whether my tendency to micro-manage helps or hinders him learning good study habits. (Note to self, really gotta reign that in this year.)

Change is never easy. No matter how happy you are about it, it still takes you out of your comfort zone. So, I think a little bit of anxiety is normal and healthy. I think I’d be more concerned about you going off to college if you weren’t somewhat anxious!

Brad, the “dad”

Okay, first thing, Rach: don’t go, don’t do it, you’ll break your father’s heart.

That being said …

Y’know, in this crazy world, there are some very important things you can foresee, expect, prepare for and anticipate… but for which you will never really be ready. Marriage is one of them. Parenthood is another. And so is going off to college.

Here in SoCal, we’ve decided to plan the essentials only – your basic ‘food, clothing, shelter’ necessities — and let the rest of fall into place as we go along…since that’s the way it’s going to happen anyway, no matter how much we try to avoid the unknown. But all will be well. For one thing, it sounds like you – like the Valkyrie – will be living in a dorm, which is kind of a pleasantly transitional ‘half-life’ between the The Family Home and The Real World. Take advantage of that. Heck, cling to that. For a while, at least, you don’t have to worry about shopping for food or making meals or paying utilities or even doing much of your own clean-up, and your laundry room is just down the hall. This is a good thing.

And don’t be too worried. Living with a couple of other girls off a noisy hallway filled with other girls (and if there are boys? Do not tell your parents!) will even keep the dreaded Boogeyman of Homesickness at bay…most of the time, There is going to be a ton to do, way too much to do, and if you’re like most college kids you’ll be way too busy to feel bad, Besides, when and if you do, well, that’s why the Gods of Going Off To College invented the cell phone. Use it. There is no shame in a midnight call to Mom, even for the most trivial, non-specific reason. In fact, she’ll love you for it.

So my advice, such as it is, is to do a little prep, a little planning. Don’t go in blind and blithery like I did back in the Jurassic, when college was just a couple of caves over and we did our homework on wax tablets. But just as important, don’t overplan. Right now, being flexible, happily going with the flow, is almost more important than being prepared. ‘Cause kid, trust me on this, no matter how prepared you think you are… you will never, ever be ready. At some point, it’s just time to close your eyes, hold your nose, and jump.

And believe me, you’ll love it

Rach, the “teen”

Sex education is a real issue in my mind. In four years of high school I’ve never had a sex education class. This bothers me because I feel like it is irresponsible for the schools (and the government) not to teach kids and teens about sex.

But, I didn’t feel like I had to worry, because when I was hitting puberty my parents did more than just “the talk” – they bought us books about everything. We had growing bodies books, we had books about differing sexualities, and we had books about the science of sex and pregnancy. But we did much more than read, we talked about what was ok in our family, and we discussed the issues relating to sex in the news. And this discussion never really ended, we still talk about these issued openly in my family.

I think what my parents did was great. Both my brother and I have grown up to be very responsible and safe about our sex lives. But I think teens that don’t get all the information from their parents are worse off, and this is where the schools should step in.

So, what do you think the school’s responsibility is for teaching sex education? And what information should be left to the parents to teach?

Mary, the “mom”

Rach, I agree, what your parents did was great! Parents need to talk to their children about sex and responsibility. Parents can offer so much more than a school sex education program because, while talking about sex and responsibility, parents can impart their values as well.

But I think these parental talks are most effective when supplemental to a formal sex education class. So, I do think schools have a responsibility to teach sex education and parents should be reinforcing those basic messages and adding their own perspectives and values. Like anything else we learn, repetition helps.

I know that the schools my children attend do teach sex education, but I’m not relying on that. For my older two, who already know the basics, I think these talks work best informally…maybe when prompted by something we watched together on TV or in response to the news my daughter heard about a 17 year-old “friend of a friend” who’s pregnant.

I try to use those opportunities to open the conversation and make my points. Like that 17 year old “friend of a friend” – she says it happened the first time. There’s definitely a lesson there!

Brad, the “dad”

Ahh, the ‘sex’ thing. Or as my daughters would say, “Oh my GOD, not that AGAIN!”

We’re in a particularly odd position here. The California public schools do teach something like sex ed, though it’s very brief and rather…hesitant? But for our girls, the real sex ed came from our church. The Unitarian Universalist Association has a carefully constructed multi-week curriculum called “Our Whole Lives” that covers the biology, the biochemistry, the ethics, the variations, the social context, all of it. And just to make it worse for our girls, they not only had to take it, they had to sit there while their parents taught it.

I wouldn’t suggest every parent go out and get training as a sex educator, but running the OWL program for a few years has taught me a few surprising things: One: most parents still don’t talk to their kids about sex. It still embarrasses them, no matter how wild they were when they were growing up. Two: For all the access to information, most kids still have a ton of misconceptions about everything from the likelihood of pregnancy to STD’s, so getting – and repeating – accurate information is always, always a good idea, no matter how much they groan. And Three: once the basics are laid down and nailed in place, casual conversations about sex – as “Mom” said, prompted by TV shows or commercials or real-world events – can be incredibly helpful, making sex important but not a Huge Deal, and still mysterious but not Secret. (You should have seen what kind of conversation Juno triggered around our house, and who ended up on which side. Weird…)

So, talk about it enough, through school or church or home to make casual conversation and reinforcement easy and frequent. Then when it gets serious – and it will, one day – everybody’s much for ready for it.

Though I admit I still get all icky inside when my wife says “masturbation” in front of the girls. Eww.