Brad, the “dad”

My daughter The Elf is a tough li’l girl. At fourteen-going-on-forty, she has, over the last year, become the exact opposite of the emotional, sullen stereotype (except for the language. What a mouth that girl has…). But I think her hard-won maturity is working against her at the moment, and I feel absolutely unable to help.

She starts high school in a few days. And I can tell: she’s absolutely terrified. She’s not sleeping. She’s not eating. And this is a girl who loves to eat and sleep. Without end and with much enthusiasm. She did emerge at around four in the morning to very quietly confess to me (as I recall) that she was very nervous about Opening Day, and nothing I said seemed to help at all.

It doesn’t matter that she’s going to the same school her older sister successfully completed. It doesn’t matter that she’s been on the campus half a dozen times already, or that she’s going to be carpooling with her two best friends. It’s new, it’s unknown, and it’s killing her.

I know — at least I hope — that two days after she gets there, she’ll be fine. But I want to be able to help her now, to do something other than mouth the standard (and, it seems to me, rather dismissive) clichés: “Oh, it’s just nerves,” “Oh, it’s not that bad,” and of course my classic all-purpose, “You know, on my first day of school…”

So “Mom”? “Daughter”? Any advice? I don’t want to dote, but I don’t want to abandon her either. How can I help her through this, ’cause somehow just being stoic isn’t cutting it.

Rach, the “teen”

The best thing you can do is distract her. If she spends all day sitting around thinking about how scary its gonna be, then it’s gonna be pretty scary. But if she spends all day thinking about something else, then it’ll be pretty hard for her to worry about the first day.

So, telling her about your first day isn’t such a terrible idea. Or you could just wait it out, because in a few days she’ll be feeling happy and excited and like she knows everything about high school. And that will be awesome.

Mary, the “mom”

I have to admit that I started to think about how to answer “dad’s” query before I saw Rach’s response. My suggestions were going to be dramatically different than Rach’s. I was thinking along the lines of “sit down with her and have her really try to dissect what it is that she is so nervous about and then deal with that rationally.” But, when I saw Rach’s response, I thought “well, she is a heck of a lot closer to this than I am, maybe I am way off base here.” So, I asked my own kids at the dinner table tonight.

My thirteen year-old, who is starting eighth grade was quick to point out that she is closer in age to the Elf than anyone else voicing an opinion. She agreed with Rach – distract her. Although, I think that in my daughter’s mind distraction equated to ‘take her shopping and buy her lots of new stuff’. My son, who is a junior in high school this year suggested that the Elf’s older sister might be a better person to talk with her. Although, he did add the caveat that his suggestion would only work if they get along with each other better than his sisters do.

Whatever you decide to say or do, I think the fact that she knows that you understand that she’s nervous and that you care is comforting. And, next week when she is too busy texting her new friends to answer your questions about how its going, you can rest easy.

Mary, the “mom”

It’s that time again…time for back-to-school shopping. I don’t mean the new outfits my daughters just have to have. No, I mean the school supplies. It’s not so bad in our high school, but the amount of supplies required at the middle school is blowing me away this year.

I had a supply list for my fourth grader and I figured my other daughter, as a 13 year-old, eighth grader, could decide how she wanted to organize herself and select the appropriate materials. Which she did…and quite well, in my opinion. (One binder for her morning classes, one binder for afternoon classes and a separate small binder for French.) Then, a few days later, the letter arrives indicating the eighth grader’s home room assignment and a list of required supplies. It includes 8 ½ inches of binder! (That’s three - 2 inch binders, one - 1 ½ inch binder and one - 1 inch binder.) In addition she needs a three subject notebook and a marble composition notebook. I guess she’s going to be doing a lot of writing this year! Of course there are many other things on the list including index cards, post-its, mechanical pencils, pens, crayons!, and more.

Besides the issue of expense (this stuff really adds up!), and, besides the issue of wasted paper (how many years do they come home in June with three pages used in that marble composition book?), there’s the practical issue of how does a 5’ 2 1/2” (can’t forget the 1/2″!), 90 pound girl carry around 8 ½” of binder?

Is the supply list this big in your schools? Do you always follow the list? Or, do you just say “this is crazy” and buy what makes sense?

Rach, the “teen”

I hate binders. The last time I used one was in middle school, when all my teachers demanded that we have separate binders for every class (and they took off points if you didn’t have one). I think middle schoolers should be able to make their own choices about their supplies. And most middle schoolers are totally capable of doing that. But, there are those kids who stuff everything in their backpacks. The kids that don’t care about the papers, or the kids who just don’t know how to organize stuff. Those kids are incredibly common in middle and high school, and it makes sense that teachers want to correct that.

When it comes to carrying all that stuff around, there is a very simple solution. Getting quality backpacks and wearing them right. Getting a real backpack (not a tote bag, or or messenger bag), and wearing it with both straps will, all of a sudden, make all that stuff you have to carry seem a lot lighter.

Here’s another hint: it’s a back-pack, not a butt-pack. Wear it on your back, not bumping around on your butt.

Brad, the “dad”

Yes, I have tried my own little rebellion against the Paper Avalanche. I’ve even contacted teachers and said, “Look, I priced this out: you’re talking $150 if I buy everything every teacher is asking for. How about this idea instead…?” And I’ve had very, very little success. Most of the teachers just look at me like I’m from Jupiter for even suggesting a change to the lesson plan. The others shrug and then have the kids do their dirty work. The poor li’l girls have both come home teary-eyed on more than one occasion, convinced they will be flunked, flunked, if they don’t have EXACTLY the right three-ring two-inch double-pocket, lime-green, slip-covered binder that EVERYbody has.

And trust me, you want to have real fun, get your kid into a “project-based” school. There were times, I swear, when “project-based” seemed to mean little more than “spend another $50 on art supplies, binders, presentation boards, Styrofoam, and other stuff you thought you’d stopped buying when your kids got out of elementary-school art class.” They know me by name at Michael’s Art Supplies. I think they jack up the prices when they see me hit the parking lot.

My only line of defense: we stockpile like a son-of-a-gun. I scan the school-supply-and-stationery ads every week like a hawk hunting a bunny, and if anybody’s putting three-ring binders, notebook paper, gel-pens or pipe cleaners on sale, I am there. I’ve even been known to stop by the local stationery chain when it looms large in the windshield just to dredge through the “clearance” bin. And we’ve reserved a large chunk of closet space for inventory. We also have a standing rule: throw NO school supplies away until Dad’s had a chance to forage for re-useables (like the binder that’s broken after a week but has an inch thick of PERFECTLY USEABLE paper inside.)

Does it really save us much money, especially given the time Daddy spends harvesting staples? Probably not. But it does make me feel better – the illusion of control over one of the many leaks in the financial pipe that defines Parenting: The Teen Years.

Mary, the “mom”

It’s started. The search for the perfect college for my son. One that has a good reputation, but not so good that he can’t get in. One that is fun for him, but not too fun (for us). One that is far enough away that he feels as though he’s gone away, but not too far (for me). Other considerations for him are good food in the cafeteria, decent dorms, sports teams he can get excited about, a high ratio of girls to boys, and lest I forget, courses in his area of academic interest. Other considerations for us are tuition costs, tuition costs, and tuition costs.

As we start to look at various schools it has become apparent that he could probably be quite happy at any number of them. So, how does one decide? Rach, how did you decide where you wanted to go to college? “Dad”, how did the Valkyrie decide? Any suggestions for us?

Rach, the “teen”

Looking for colleges was the easiest part of “the process.” Lucky for me, my high school has a service called Naviance - it’s a web based program that helps students find colleges. You enter a lot of data about what you want - majors, location, ratio of girls and boys, sports teams, everything, it even lets you enter your test scores and gives you a little map that shows how likely it is that you’re going to be accepted. Despite what the map said, I applied to eight very competitive schools. Only one of which was not on the east coast (I like it here).

Deciding on a college was the hardest thing about “the process.” I was accepted to four, waitlisted at two, and rejected at two. The schools I was accepted to were great, but when I visited they didn’t seem right. The two schools that did feel right were, of course, one that I had been waitlisted on and one that had flat out rejected me (I cried for two hours when I got the little envelope). And so I wrote the most important email of my life, telling the waitlist school that I still really wanted to be there. The next day I got a phone call telling me that that email got me accepted (best day ever!).

So, you guys are in for it. My parents drove me to many a college, and were part of the process at all times. They were all kinds of moral support when I was writing essays (write them now, not later), and sending applications, and getting big and small envelopes back. My one word of advice is, start filling out applications in September, no matter when the deadline is. In the end, I chose what college felt right. I made a pro-con list of schools, but it was really the gut feeling that lead me to my final decision.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, “Mom,” we did pretty much what you’re already doing. First we talked with the Valk about what she seriously would like to study in depth …and it was amazing how many of her areas of interest withered under the heat-lamp of four long years. That discussion included what the heck she was planning to do with all of this passionately acquired knowledge when it came to, y’know, like, a job. Because as fun as we wanted college to be, we made it clear: this wasn’t going to be a 48-month all-expenses-paid vacation. Not at these prices.

Once that was done, we pulled out a map and decided how wide the circle would be. We live in Southern California; so our contention was that she could choose just about any field and find a top-flight school that taught that subject somewhere in our half of the state. Within our home town was too close, but two towns over was okay. More than three hours driving distance was too far, but she could manage about 200 miles because Grandma had given her a used car for graduation. Farther than that and it would be too hard to come home and do laundry on the weekends, she said. And then, after a moment, she added, “Oh, and to see you, of course.” Once we had drawn the “doughnut,” we started studying up on what schools fell within that circle.

What we didn’t do was add many other restrictions at this early stage. Private college, state colleges, state universities …didn’t matter. It just mattered that we get a clean list of eight (an arbitrary number) or more colleges “inside the circle” that could give her a good and applicable education. We got that list by flogging the Internet, reading a bunch of current-edition books standing up and reading fast in the local Borders or Barnes & Noble). And when we’d narrowed the list somewhat, we started asking friends, colleagues, co-workers, and relatives, if they knew anybody who had attended one of our ‘candidate’ schools. Maybe because our ‘doughnut’ was relatively local, we had a high hit-rate. And THEN, when the list was narrowed down to four…the visits, the tours, the talk about cost. And by the way, “Mom,” speaking of cost, private schools and state schools may or may not be more affordable than you think; don’t jump to conclusions.

Oh, and good luck! Because this is actually the fun part. It gets really rough a few months from now, after you’ve made your decisions…when you have to start actually applying to the schools of your choice. But that’s a whole different subject.

Rach, the “teen”

In thirty-eight days I will be moving my stuff into a college dorm room. In thirty-nine days I will totally be freaking out, because, oh my god, I’m in college.

I’m pretty worried about it, the whole college thing. It’s not the roommate, the food, the classes or the friends, and it’s not being on my own. I don’t know what’s been making me so anxious. I’ve asked my other college-bound friends and they don’t really seem to know either. Some of them have specific fears, and some of us are just having general “wow, college” fears.

High school was good for me; things went pretty smoothly all around - and I’m expecting college to be completely different. So, what are the biggest differences between high school and college, and how did you deal with the transition and all the worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Oh Rach, first of all, it’s flattering that you think I still remember anything from so long ago!

But, seriously, I really do feel for you. It’s so exciting and so scary.

I do remember being so excited to be independent but feeling forlorn when my mother left me at school the first time. It didn’t last long. Everyone was in the same boat and it was easy to make friends.

I was very anxious about the classes, thinking I had coasted through high school and now it was going to be really hard. I just made up my mind to work hard and not fall behind in my classes and it worked. These days, virtually no one can coast through high school, so I’m sure you’ve already learned the good study habits that will make that transition smooth. Not to get off track here, but, this is where I worry about my son and whether my tendency to micro-manage helps or hinders him learning good study habits. (Note to self, really gotta reign that in this year.)

Change is never easy. No matter how happy you are about it, it still takes you out of your comfort zone. So, I think a little bit of anxiety is normal and healthy. I think I’d be more concerned about you going off to college if you weren’t somewhat anxious!

Brad, the “dad”

Okay, first thing, Rach: don’t go, don’t do it, you’ll break your father’s heart.

That being said …

Y’know, in this crazy world, there are some very important things you can foresee, expect, prepare for and anticipate… but for which you will never really be ready. Marriage is one of them. Parenthood is another. And so is going off to college.

Here in SoCal, we’ve decided to plan the essentials only – your basic ‘food, clothing, shelter’ necessities — and let the rest of fall into place as we go along…since that’s the way it’s going to happen anyway, no matter how much we try to avoid the unknown. But all will be well. For one thing, it sounds like you – like the Valkyrie – will be living in a dorm, which is kind of a pleasantly transitional ‘half-life’ between the The Family Home and The Real World. Take advantage of that. Heck, cling to that. For a while, at least, you don’t have to worry about shopping for food or making meals or paying utilities or even doing much of your own clean-up, and your laundry room is just down the hall. This is a good thing.

And don’t be too worried. Living with a couple of other girls off a noisy hallway filled with other girls (and if there are boys? Do not tell your parents!) will even keep the dreaded Boogeyman of Homesickness at bay…most of the time, There is going to be a ton to do, way too much to do, and if you’re like most college kids you’ll be way too busy to feel bad, Besides, when and if you do, well, that’s why the Gods of Going Off To College invented the cell phone. Use it. There is no shame in a midnight call to Mom, even for the most trivial, non-specific reason. In fact, she’ll love you for it.

So my advice, such as it is, is to do a little prep, a little planning. Don’t go in blind and blithery like I did back in the Jurassic, when college was just a couple of caves over and we did our homework on wax tablets. But just as important, don’t overplan. Right now, being flexible, happily going with the flow, is almost more important than being prepared. ‘Cause kid, trust me on this, no matter how prepared you think you are… you will never, ever be ready. At some point, it’s just time to close your eyes, hold your nose, and jump.

And believe me, you’ll love it

Rach, the “teen”

Sex education is a real issue in my mind. In four years of high school I’ve never had a sex education class. This bothers me because I feel like it is irresponsible for the schools (and the government) not to teach kids and teens about sex.

But, I didn’t feel like I had to worry, because when I was hitting puberty my parents did more than just “the talk” – they bought us books about everything. We had growing bodies books, we had books about differing sexualities, and we had books about the science of sex and pregnancy. But we did much more than read, we talked about what was ok in our family, and we discussed the issues relating to sex in the news. And this discussion never really ended, we still talk about these issued openly in my family.

I think what my parents did was great. Both my brother and I have grown up to be very responsible and safe about our sex lives. But I think teens that don’t get all the information from their parents are worse off, and this is where the schools should step in.

So, what do you think the school’s responsibility is for teaching sex education? And what information should be left to the parents to teach?

Mary, the “mom”

Rach, I agree, what your parents did was great! Parents need to talk to their children about sex and responsibility. Parents can offer so much more than a school sex education program because, while talking about sex and responsibility, parents can impart their values as well.

But I think these parental talks are most effective when supplemental to a formal sex education class. So, I do think schools have a responsibility to teach sex education and parents should be reinforcing those basic messages and adding their own perspectives and values. Like anything else we learn, repetition helps.

I know that the schools my children attend do teach sex education, but I’m not relying on that. For my older two, who already know the basics, I think these talks work best informally…maybe when prompted by something we watched together on TV or in response to the news my daughter heard about a 17 year-old “friend of a friend” who’s pregnant.

I try to use those opportunities to open the conversation and make my points. Like that 17 year old “friend of a friend” – she says it happened the first time. There’s definitely a lesson there!

Brad, the “dad”

Ahh, the ‘sex’ thing. Or as my daughters would say, “Oh my GOD, not that AGAIN!”

We’re in a particularly odd position here. The California public schools do teach something like sex ed, though it’s very brief and rather…hesitant? But for our girls, the real sex ed came from our church. The Unitarian Universalist Association has a carefully constructed multi-week curriculum called “Our Whole Lives” that covers the biology, the biochemistry, the ethics, the variations, the social context, all of it. And just to make it worse for our girls, they not only had to take it, they had to sit there while their parents taught it.

I wouldn’t suggest every parent go out and get training as a sex educator, but running the OWL program for a few years has taught me a few surprising things: One: most parents still don’t talk to their kids about sex. It still embarrasses them, no matter how wild they were when they were growing up. Two: For all the access to information, most kids still have a ton of misconceptions about everything from the likelihood of pregnancy to STD’s, so getting – and repeating – accurate information is always, always a good idea, no matter how much they groan. And Three: once the basics are laid down and nailed in place, casual conversations about sex – as “Mom” said, prompted by TV shows or commercials or real-world events – can be incredibly helpful, making sex important but not a Huge Deal, and still mysterious but not Secret. (You should have seen what kind of conversation Juno triggered around our house, and who ended up on which side. Weird…)

So, talk about it enough, through school or church or home to make casual conversation and reinforcement easy and frequent. Then when it gets serious – and it will, one day – everybody’s much for ready for it.

Though I admit I still get all icky inside when my wife says “masturbation” in front of the girls. Eww.

Mary, the “mom”

So summer has finally started and my son still doesn’t have a job, but, it’s okay. At least he’s actually looking for a job, which is a step in the right direction.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to make the best of the free time. He’ll be a junior next year. Time to get serious about college. Looking at schools. Deciding where he wants to apply. Taking the SATs. I know his schedule next year is killer, so I think it will be good to start some of this now, when he has so much time on his hands.

For starters, we’re going to visit a couple of schools this summer, so he can get a feel for the different environments such as a traditional college campus versus a city campus, private versus public, North versus South.

We also need to decide how he’s going to prep for the SATs. Do we try to go it on our own or take a prep class? Knowing my son’s penchant for procrastination, I think it had better be a class. But, there are choices there as well. Does he take the prep class in a classroom or online. Online would offer the flexibility to “take” the class when you have the time – and save gas money, both of which are a real plus. But, again, I worry about procrastination.

So, we’re going to use this free time to evaluate and weigh these various options so that come September there is one less thing to think about.

Rach, how did you prepare for SATs (or ACTs)? And, Brad, how did the Valk prepare? Would you do anything different?

Brad, the “dad”

Hey, “Mom…”

You know what worked best for me? The 3 F’s: Fear, Finagling, and Flexibility.

The “fear” part was having the Valkyrie take her first PSAT as soon as possible – like right at the beginning of her junior year (ultimately she took the PSAT three times, just as most of her friends did). She’s a smart gal, so she didn’t prep for it at all (just as I planned … heh heh heh), and her scores were…well, not very wonderful. It scared the beans out of her — just as I hoped it would — and suddenly motivation and procrastination were no longer major issues. She couldn’t live with the concept of “not going to college.”

Not that I quit there. I reinforced her newfound sense of focus with Finagling – that is, getting to know her high school counselor on the sly – you know, the one whose obsession was getting as many students into college as possible? I enlisted her help in keeping the Valk in the right classes and her grades up, and stayed in regular contact. Oddly, Ms. Counselor was actually grateful to have a parent help do the pushin’. All too often, she told me, she had to do it on her own.

Meanwhile, “flexibility” was the key to really successful test prep for the Valk – flexibility as in, “whatever works, when it works best.” Tutoring was the right answer for a real hole in her math education, but classes in writing and history were a better fit…and on-line classes were best, because of all the other demands on school time and even weekend hours, especially as she got heavy into her senior year. I swear, that poor kid worked harder than both her parents combined in the summer and fall of last year, between test prep, tests, college research and visits, and college apps. And yet…she survived. She’s off to the College of Her Choice in eight, count ‘em, eight, weeks. (Say no more. I’ll start to cry.)

Choosing the college? Applying? Two whole different kettle of squirmy, squirmy fish. But test prep? Trust me. You can’t go wrong with the Three F’s.

Rach, the “teen”

Test prep was the easiest thing about the whole high school to college process.

We signed up for the classes, because I was using the books and CDs my parents bought me as coasters. That is, brightly colored books and CDs aren’t going to get me motivated to study. Where as making me go to class every Wednesday night is hard to get out of.

The class was pretty much like any other high school class (except it was in a hotel lobby) - we had “homework”, we filled out worksheets, and we took tests. It was the tests that made the class worth it.

Not only did I have a scheduled time to study for the SATs, but I got to take a whole bunch of full-length practice SATs. Did it help? Yeah it did. I only had to take the real test once, that’s how well I did. I’m completely and entirely crediting it to the practice tests.

It doesn’t matter how your kid gets the practice. If it’s a full-length test, in test conditions, with real questions - he or she will learn from it.

Read an expert perspective on SATs, staying sane during the application process, demystifying FAFSA and much more!

Mary, the “mom”

I look forward to the end of the school year almost as much as my kids do. First and foremost, I look forward to sleeping past 5:40 on weekdays. But I also look forward to a break from worrying about all the assignments, tests, projects etc. (I know they’re not my responsibility, so why would I worry? See my earlier posts about micro-managing and you’ll get the picture!) And, believe it or not, I actually enjoy spending time with my kids when everyone is relaxed, as opposed to the normal weekday routine where everyone, including me, is stressed out.

Okay, so today’s the last day, at least for my high school student. Now what? He should have a summer job, but he doesn’t yet. (See Rach’s post about her summer job dilemma and you’ll get the idea.) Regardless of how much I enjoy spending relaxed time with him, it won’t take long for the sleeping til noon and hanging around all day to get on my nerves.

So, I’ve explained to him that I will have a list of extra chores for him to do around the house until he gets a summer job. I fear that I’m about to trade nagging about school work for nagging about chores. Which, of course, is in addition to nagging about a summer job.

What are your kids doing this summer? How do you handle the sudden wealth of free time?

Rach, the “teen”

The post about the summer job really helped me. It got me more motivated, and more willing to really look. I knew I needed to get one, so I answered an advertisement, went in for an interview and got a summer job. I did it because sitting around the house listening to my parents nag was the last thing I wanted, and it’s the last thing your kids want to.

I think the first week of summer (right after school lets out) is a great time to sleep in late, hang out with friends and get all that classic summer stuff done. Then it’s time to work.

Last summer, my dad employed me (for minimum wage) to repaint two big benches we keep outside. It took me the entire summer, but it kept me busy. I think chores like that are good for middle and high school students. One or two big simple “around the house” chore they can do.

Paint something, plant a new garden, weekly “all house” cleanings. Something that they can do when they want (flexible hours), but for a certain amount of hours a week (say, 10), and something that they have to do (for the money, for the responsibility, for the drive to the mall you promised them).

It was hard painting those benches (yes, painting can be hard). But it was a good summer - because I made the rules about it. I got the work done, I felt responsible for the benches, and I got paid for it. With only a little nagging.

Brad, the “dad”

I guess I’m just the ol’ softy in the pack this time. Because I have seen how ridiculously hard the kidlings have been working this past year, on grades and friendships and special projects and community service, and I’m actually hearing myself saying, “Hey, it’s summer: take some time.”

Maybe I’m particularly easy on them this year because I can see the future. The Valkyrie will be heading off to college in exactly two months, and there’s a work-study gig and 13 units waiting for her there. The Elf will be starting at an academically demanding high school in just a little more than that – the same school her sister just escaped from – and, as she’s been saying herself, once she gets there the grades and extra-curricular stuff really start to count.

In some ways, this is the Last Great Summer for both of them. Adulthood, or a reasonable facsimile is just over the horizon. So if the Valk takes a month off (yeah, a month) to go road-tripping with her travelicious Mom, and the Elf spends a week or two (or three) doing little but sleeping in, going online and making art…okay. Just this once. Because from here on in, things are gonna get busier and more serious, and I want them to remember at least one more, one last, long, slow summer before the blitz begins.

Am I a fish in a barrel or what?

Read ParentingTeensOnline’s June Hot Topics for ideas for spending time with your teens this summer.

Brad, the “dad”

I’m sorry, I’m running late this week. I … I …

Excuse me, what were we talking about?

All I know is that last night my daughter graduated from high school, and I feel like somebody’s hit me in the head with a two-by-four.

What the heck just happened? There was a baby here just a minute ago. And I remember this cute little girl, couldn’t have been more than four, five years old, sitting in my lap. Then I looked away for just one minute, and suddenly there’s this beautiful, accomplished, confident Valkyrie walking down the aisle in her pretty green robe and mortarboard, picking up her high school diploma, making plans for a month-long road trip, going off to college – leaving. More than that, really – leaving me.

I know we’ve been planning this for months. It’s just that it happened so fast. All of it – the birth, the childhood, the school and Christmases and homework and birthdays and vacations and crises and partnerships and arguments and now…

I guess I didn’t expect quite so much melancholy to be mixed up with the pride and excitement. I didn’t expect to feel like the guy who’s left standing on the dock while the party ship begins to slowly, slowly sail away without me. Of course I’m proud of her. Of course I understand she’s not disappearing, she’s just going to college. I know she’s still my kid, but not a kid and…

Like I said: two-by-four.

I wonder what happens next?

Mary, the “mom”

No fair – you’re going to make me cry! Seriously!

I get this same feeling at every major event (preschool graduation, first day of kindergarten, middle school graduation, first day of high school) and some not so major - and often quite boring - events (2^nd grade concert, Brownie bridging ceremony, 5^th grade band concert…). You get the picture.

Sometime the feeling is positive, as in: “Wow, a few years ago I was worrying about packing a stroller, diapers and baby food for even the simplest outing. Now, they grab their iPods and we’re off. Yeah!” But mostly it’s of the nature of “where did the time go?”

I guess the trick is to remember how fast the time goes when I want to scream at them about the mess they made in the kitchen. Of course I never do remember til afterward when I feel bad – not that I always feel bad, just sometimes.

What’s next you wondered. Well, for me it’s that high school graduation you just went through. For you, I’m guessing college graduation. Maybe even a walk down the aisle eventually. Talk about a two-by-four! I guess those hits are going to keep coming. But, for now, Congratulations!

Rach, the “teen”

You haven’t been left on the dock. The boat won’t leave without you.

I graduated last week, and it’s scary thinking about what happens next. I know my parents are feeling melancholy about me (their “baby”) being done with high school, but, they know I’m not really leaving them. Sure, I’ll be at college, but I’ll never really be gone.

So, what happens next? I have no idea. But you’d better bet that my parents are coming with me on my boat, wherever it leads me.

Mary, the “mom”

About 2 months ago, I blogged about my concern that I was micro-managing my son with Edline, a program which allows students and parents online access to assignments, course calendars, grade sheets, absence reports, etc. I knew that managing his responsibilities for him wasn’t going to help in the long run, but Edline made it sooo tempting.

Well, when our virtual teen, Rach, joined in the conversation, it was a dose of reality for me. I always find it so helpful getting a real life teen perspective from her. So, I took Rach’s advice to heart and backed off. I still peeked at Edline, but for the most part I was simply supportive.

Well, come to find out that there’s a big difference in the maturity level of a 16 year boy (or at least this one) and an 18 year girl. Shocking, I know! So, while I really do value Rach’s advice, it turns out, my son is not really ready to manage this completely on his own. And, I’ve decided that he’s got two more years of high school to come around to the maturity level that Rach obviously has. So, it’s OK that he’s not there yet.

So, with all of this swirling through our home, I open my Sunday New York Times and see an article titled “I Know What You Did Last Math Class” which reports on families using Edline and similar services and how they are popular but can stress out families. It was interesting and funny and now I know I’m not alone in trying to find the right balance in using this service.

I want to try and use it as a means of communicating with my son about what’s happening and as a tool to help him to organize his work – not organize it for him. I definitely don’t want it to be confrontational or nagging. (Rach helped me understand just how unproductive that can be!) I’m thinking this can be a learning experience in itself. And, hopefully, by the time he’s a senior he’ll be managing it all himself and ready to face the workload of college without Mom looking over his shoulder.

So, now I need to go look at Edline and try to remember not to jump to conclusions, not to nag and not to be confrontational when we discuss it. I know what you’re thinking…”there is no way a self-professed control freak is going to be able to walk that line.” Maybe not, but I am going to try!

Brad, the “dad”

Let them alone, but stay involved. Help them, but don’t help them too much. Stay close, but not that close. Yipes. Nobody told us that the national pastime for parenting was Tug O’ War.

I’ve actually given up on subtlety when it comes to grades. Our middle-schooler made that possible when a Progress Report (one of those surprising little middle-of-the-term-it’s-not-a-grade-yet-but-watch-out mailings) showed up on the doorstep with a D+ on it. Yeah: DEE PLUS. From then on, worrying about whether I was being too interventionalist, whether I had to “let her fail” so she could learn, whether I was slowing down her personal development by making things too easy … all that? Floop! Out the window.

We don’t do D+’s in this house. And Edline is now only one of a whole arsenal of tools that I use without a moment’s hesitation to keep her on the straight-and-narrow (and she is: I’m proud to say the Elf was even more ashamed of losing academic control than I was, and the instant she realized there was no getting away clean, she buckled down. We’re back to A/B’s again.).

I know we can’t protect them from everything. But we didn’t teach her how to look both ways before she crossed the street by letting her play in traffic and get ding-bopped by a couple of cars. There are places she can fall down “safely” and places where it’s just plain stupid to let her fall. And I’ve come to the conclusion that grades mean too much – that the schools themselves have made grades mean too much – to let her report card be one of the “let them fail” places.

So I’m on her like a duck on a June bug …. and any time she gets a little grumpy about that, I only have to say two words and she ducks down and accepts it. It’s amazing what the simple utterance of “Dee Plus” can do.

Look on the bright side, “Mom.” Maybe your son can get a D or an F – just once! – and then you can lose the guilt, just like me.

Rach, the “teen”

For a few years in middle school I consistently brought home D’s. I acted a lot like the Elf did - I was so much more disappointed in myself than my parents were (that says a lot, they were heartbroken).

I agree though, too much focus is put on grades. It’s not about “the great war” or the quadratic formula anymore. It’s about getting an A. Learning has gone out the window in most schools. Grades, test scores and resume builders are what school is about. And, that’s really sad.

But this is a problem we can’t really bring up with the students or the schools. This is something we need to bring up with the government. Funding is determined by test scores, not students, and certainly not learning.

Nonetheless, a lot of emphasis is still put on grades. I still think programs that let parents “check in” on their kids are a bad idea. But the few parents that encourage their kids to use it a tool are making it all worthwhile.

I must admit, if I had kids and they were doing badly in school. I might use a program like that to make sure they were getting their grades up. I guess it’s a good thing, for parents whose kids don’t honestly tell their parents about schoolwork.

For ideas on how to talk with your teen about school, see ParentingTeensOnline Special May Hot Topic: Your Teens’ Teachers

Rach, the “teen”

I’ve been watching High School Confidential, a show that follows 12 girls through their four years in a typical Mid-western high school. If the girls didn’t talk so much about Kansas, I would have never known where the school is located.

Northwest, the school portrayed in the show, seemed almost exactly like my high school. Our student bodies are very similar; our communities seemed equally diverse, even our school television stations looked alike. The girls out there seem to wear more makeup than the girls at my school, but to be honest, that’s the biggest difference I saw.

That’s why I liked the show so much. Not only do I feel connected (because of our school comparisons), but because I felt connected to the students. They weren’t Orange County celebrities in the making, and they weren’t actors posing as teens. They were real teens, with real issues, making real choices. That rocks. It really felt like an accurate portrayal of what it’s like being a teenage girl.

Of course it might just be me. Did the high school and the kids seem real to you too?

Mary, the “mom”

It’s fascinating to me that Rachel does feel so connected to these girls and it’s really quite instructive. As I listen to them, they often sound quite dramatic. I think I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl, and of course I do remember some of it. But at this point in my life I’ve managed to put all those high school dramas into perspective. It’s easy as an adult to look at some of the issues these girls are dealing with and realize they are just small ‘bumps in the road’.

The girls in High School Confidential are a wake-up call. They are real. Their issues are real and, most importantly, their perspectives on those issues are real. As a parent, it’s really useful to be reminded that, to the girls, at that moment in time, these issues are all consuming.

On the other hand, some of the girls in this show are dealing with huge, life-altering issues – parents dying, unplanned pregnancies, and so on - issues that any adult would recognize as no small ‘bump in the road’. Yet, in some cases, they don’t get the support they so obviously need.

So, what did I get out of this as a mom? A reminder to not minimize the ‘crisis’ that are the milk of the teenager years and a little positive reinforcement that providing a stable and supportive environment – to whatever extent you can control it - has its benefits.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, High School Confidential scared the bejeebies out of me. Pregnancy, marriage, death, abortion – ah, good times, good times. Then I reminded myself that even though these are real kids, we’re watching the highlights (or lowlights) of four tumultuous years shrunk down into about 18 minutes.

My 17-year-old watched the show with me, and even she commented on how incredibly dramatic each story was. “We have 100 seniors at my [tiny] high school,” she said, “and there’s been exactly one pregnancy, two other girls who came back to school with babies, one traffic death, no suicides, and as far as I know no dead parents. Yet.” (At which point she gave me a disturbingly speculative squint.) There’s a point there: High School Confidential – being a TV show, after all — is intrinsically attracted to the Big Stories, good or bad; Judging by the experiences of my own kids and their friends, the day-to-day life of the high schooler isn’t nearly as high-anxiety as what we saw here.