Mary, the “mom”

People are upset and angry; they’re petitioning their representatives; they’re writing letters to the editor.  Why?  The choice for the 2009 high school play!  A few weeks ago, the high school drama department announced that the 2009 play would be Rent: School Edition.  My reaction went along the lines of “Cool, something different; a little edgy”.  Boy, am I naïve!  This week, our small town newspaper features a cover story about how upset people are and how they’re petitioning the school boards to prevent this play and a letter to the editor encouraging citizens to contact the high school and express their dismay.

I am well aware that I am a tad more liberal than the average middle class suburbanite, even in New Jersey, but I just didn’t realize the extent of the divide.  People are signing a petition because they are upset about high school kids being exposed to themes such as homosexuality, drug abuse, HIV/AIDS, promiscuity, etc.  I, on the other hand, see only good from exposing them to these themes.  Maybe they’ll be more tolerant of the peer who “comes out of the closet”, or more cognizant of the risk of AIDS/HIV and the dangers of promiscuity and drug abuse.  I want my teenagers exposed to these themes, not sheltered from them.  Am I off base?  What does the rest of the family think?

Rach, the “older teen”

My high school did Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. The total body in our rendition of the play was well over ten. Ten high school students pretended to get murdered then eaten on stage. I was the stage manager, and we sold out almost every show. It was a hit, people loved it!

In case you don’t know, Sweeny Todd was a barber who killed people, then his girlfriend made them into meat pies - it’s a true story, he killed hundreds then fed them to fellow Londoners, but is significantly less famous than Jack the Ripper, who only killed five.

If my high school did Rent, there would be a lot of angry parents. I find this incredibly disturbing. Homosexuality, sex, and drugs are all considered less school appropriate than murder and cannibalism? That’s messed up. Being open and honest about sex and all types of sexuality is a good thing, murder is not. I believe that teens (and tweens) should be well educated (really educated, not just told to “say no”) about sexuality, pregnancy, and drugs.

Of course, I take a stand that most don’t seem to agree with. We let our kids watch the nightly news filled with murders, rapes and fires - but we won’t let our kids watch movies that have naked people in them? Gosh, we sure live in a seriously messed up society.

Brad, the “dad”

This part of the family is sick-to-death-tired of people sticking their collective heads in the sand.  “Exposing their children to homosexuality, drug abuse, HIV/AIDS, and promiscuity”?  What, like they’ve never heard of these things before?

I admit, we live in a far more urban, and some would say more ’sophisticated’ environment.  To me, there’s nothing sophisticated about it.  It’s just the world, and what with mass media, free and easy travel, and the global economy it seems to be pretty much the same all over.  And I’ve had too many friends die of AIDS, seen too many have unwanted pregnancies and unhappy marriages, suffered with too many friends who’ve had drug problems or died of overdoses to think that avoiding “exposure” to any of the above, pretending to be unaware of them, would do anything but make matters worse.  Ignorance does not breed anything but grief.

And they’re not too young.  We weren’t “too young” thirty years ago when I was in high school; we just pretended we were.  The first suicide I was ‘exposed’ to was back in high school.  So were the first instances of promiscuity.  And drug abuse.  And alcohol abuse.  And one of my best friends in high school “came out” in college, and two others died within the decade from HIV.  Mostly because, you know, we didn’t TALK about “gay cancer” back then.  And in this case, not talking about it killed them.

I know these people think that RENT somehow ‘celebrates’ these lifestyles simply by showing that some people who are gay or sick or making bad decisions still have some element of dignity and potential for happiness in the face of tragedy; that they have some fragment of hope in their lives despite everything.  But RENT doesn’t make any of these challenges look particularly attractive.  I can’t imagine anybody leaving the show and thinking, “Oh, boy, I sure wish that was ME!”  So what’s the problem?  That it’s not Annie?  Or Sound of Music?  No, wait, we can’t go there: Rodgers and Hammerstein might expose them to themes involving fascism, anti-authoritarianism, and people of other, less desirable, religious faiths.

Sheesh. 

If you asked me, RENT shouldn’t just be allowed in your school.  Attendance should be mandatory.  And then they should take it on the road and bring it to OUR schools. 

Sorry. That REALLY annoyed me.  Probably because I’ve fought this same fight in middle schools and high school over and over and over.  And like I said: I’m sick-to-death-tired of it.

Enjoy the show.  It’s great.

Lauren, the “younger teen”

In EVERY high school there are teens who are having sex, there are kids doing drugs, there are homosexual kids, and so on. (Gasp!). So, show teens how dangerous HIV/AIDS are and how important safe sex is. Let teens truly understand that there’s a reason that most drugs are illegal. Drugs are dangerous! Being homosexual is hardest during the teen years. Help those students understand they’re not alone. Doing a play is a much better way to teach these topics to teens rather than sitting in a stuffy health classroom. Also, it makes something very dangerous, such as AIDs, which most teens say “can’t happen to me”, more realistic.

Some parents know kids do these things but think “not my child”. Some parents are completely oblivious and think teens are innocent children. So many parents are unaware in one way or another of what’s going on in their teen’s life. So I think it’s the perfect play to help both the students and parents to understand and make them more aware.

Lauren, the “younger teen”

2 days, 10 hours, 26 minutes, and 34 seconds until the day we’ve all been waiting for…. or at least all the teenage girls crazed for Twilight… the premier of the Twilight movie. The movie based on the first book in the Twilight saga opens on Friday. Most of the girls at my school are talking about it, at dance its pretty much all we talk about, the girls at dance say the girls at their schools can’t stop talking about it, and my one dance teacher, who’s in college, is just as excited as the 13 & 14 year old girls. So I think it’s fair to say that just about every middle and high school girl is talking about it. One of my friends is even going to the mid-night showing (which I am dying to go to, but my mom won’t let me) and going to school that morning. In the car to dance we exchange fun Twilight saying such as ome (oh my edward) and ocd (obsessive cullen disorder), and there’s a ton more.

I’m guessing the obsession doesn’t stop in New Jersey since the 4 books are the top 4 young adult books in the country. So, Rach did you read them & are you obsessed, “Dad” are you daughters excited, too?

Brad, the “dad”

“Your daughters,” my mother-in-law once told me, “are built contrariwise.” I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes I think they go against the grain because they are strong, courageous and of an independent mind by their very nature. Other times I think they do it just to mess with me. I’m leaning towards the latter when it comes to Twilight. The Valkyrie read the first and didn’t much care for it – “too emo,” she said, “too whiney.” But that didn’t keep her from buying the next two books anyway. I’m not sure the Elf, at fourteen, got more than fifty pages into the first book before she made a disgusted (and slightly disgusting) sound and tossed it into the “ready for book sale” pile. Now, with all the fuss about the movie being made in the media, she openly snarls every time we pass a Twilight billboard. This makes for a great deal of snarling.

In one way, I’m rather relieved. The Elf had a minor flirtation with the whole “goth” thing a year or so ago, and it’s good to see she quickly grew bored with the notion, though she continues to suck up Lia Block and Rob Thurman urban fantasies with disturbing regularity. Lily, in college, now pretends to be a bit ‘above it all,’ but I know she’ll be second in line when the new Harry Potter hits early next summer.  So resistant? Perhaps.  Immune? Not so much.

Me? I’ll probably skip it until NetFlix. But it’s good to see that they don’t automatically get swept up in every “gotta have it” marketing wave that comes by. On the other hand, when the newest video game drops, SOMEbody in this house is going to be pleading with me until I crack like an egg. So maybe I should think of it not so much as a victory over mass marketing as merely a postponement.

Meanwhile, Rach – let me know how it is!

Rach, the “older teen”

I worked as a camp counselor this summer. The kids I had to deal with were a bunch of 13 and 14 year old girls. And they worshiped it. I had never even heard of the books until the girls coerced me into reading the first one. I read two pages and realized that it’s more suited to younger teens. Or girls who are more, uh, influenced by sappy romance novels. So, no, I have not read them (besides the first two pages). And no, I will not be seeing the movie.

Book wise, the last Harry Potter ended my childhood reading tastes. I read all the books, I’ve seen the movies. On my 11th birthday I waited for my letter. And now, I wait for the last two movies (or three, if they split the seventh one). I know that when the last one comes out, it will be a very bittersweet day. It will mark the end of a long and awesome series.

If I was still 13 and going through my goth stage once again (you couldn’t pay me to do that again), I can imagine myself pouring over the Twilight books. So, I have nothing against the books. In fact, I like when teens read, it takes them away from the television for while.

Mary, the “mom”

Wow!  I guess I am a really immature 40-something.  My daughter told me I might be interested in reading these books.  I wasn’t all that excited about it but I figured “anything to improve communication”.  And, somewhat to my surprise, I really enjoyed them.  I had the same approach with Harry Potter way back when.  These books may be in the Young Adult section, but I think they’re well written and very engaging. And, I’m not alone.  Many of the moms I know are reading and enjoying these books right along with their daughters.  I’ve also seen moms featured in the news sporting t-shirts and other symbols of their obsession with it.  I’m definitely not going there.  But, I do enjoy the books.

I think it’s great that these young teens are obsessed with books instead of some pop star, although I guess the obsession is with the characters and is being transferred to the actors, but, hey, at least they’re reading!

And, by the way, none of the girls I know who are obsessed with this series are the least bit “goth”.  I think it really has much broader appeal, but maybe I’m just a sappy romantic.

Brad, the “dad”

The Valkyrie, newly 18 years old (Happy Birthday, kid!), has been dating for about six months now. I think I’ve done pretty well with it so far: after years of threatening to answer the door while cleaning my gun, or simply staring wordlessly and growling at any boy who so much as crosses the property line, I’ve actually been friendly and polite and non-violent with her Gentleman Callers. It isn’t a long list and they seem like good guys so far. She’s made some good decisions and I’m proud of her…

But she just had her first break-up. She called in tears in the middle of this week because Bruno (not his real name, I’m sorry to say) had been “pressuring” her and she didn’t have the time or the interest in “getting more serious,” especially not in the middle of her first year of college. So she called it off. And he apparently said something that hurt her. And now, of course, I want to kill him.

The homicidal tendencies I can handle – probably. But more to the point…how do I help her? I have a whole brain full of Useful Advice, and of course I want to hear every single detail of what happened. What kind of “pressure” did he exert? What does “more serious” mean? What did that little creep say to her, and where does he live? But…is any of this really any of my business? Does she really need my advice, or want it? (And no, she hasn’t asked…but when has that ever stopped me from ‘helping’ before?) So far she’s given us precious few details, but clearly she’s hurt…and here I am, completely unable to help and not sure what I could do if she wanted me to.

Being a “good listener” in this situation is completely unsatisfying…even more so because she’s not saying anything to listen to. Am I doing the right thing by just letting her deal with this herself – as she says she wants to – or am I falling short at a truly important time: not her first boyfriend, but her first break-up?

I could use some advice, “Mom” and “Daughter.”

Rach, the “older teen”

Breakups suck.

The first boy (and so far the only) who broke my heart, broke it over the internet. We’d been together for a few months, and I was really into him. Apparently he wasn’t as into me. Needless to say, I slammed my laptop shut and started crying so loudly that my parents ran into the room, thinking something fell on me.

We lived a few minutes from each other, and we took the same bus to school. And we saw each other between most classes in high school. So my parents and I decided that it would be best if I stayed home and cried for the next two days (to recover from the trauma of an internet breakup).

All in all, breakups can be the hardest thing teens experience. My parents were there for me, and they let my cry at them for two solid days. They treated me like a princess until I was done crying, because they knew how much he meant to me. After the crying stopped, everything went back to normal. Except, they have never asked what caused the breakup, and they never threatened him, or even spoken of him again. It worked well for me, I never spoke to him again, and never had any reason to.

So, “Dad”, it’s good to see that your daughter handled her really sucky situation well, she knew that she was being pressured and she knows where her limits are. So, tell her that. Tell her that she will always be strong, and that she does not need a boy who treats her badly (as we can assume he did, if he was pressuring). But, most of all, “Dad”, tell her she’s way too good for anyone. And once the crying stops, let it stop. Don’t ask about it, unless she brings it up. I know it’s unsatisfying, but it’s better for her if you don’t push it.

Mary, the “mom”

Poor Valkyrie!

Rach is right, breakups suck.

We haven’t gone through this with our kids yet and it’s been a quarter century since I went through a breakup myself (although I really do remember how awful it felt). A friend of mine just went through this with her daughter, but she was so much younger (13) and the boy had been such a part of the family, that the situation was quite different.

So, I am going to have to defer to Rach on this. I think her advice is excellent. I do think the situation of the Valkyrie being away at school makes it even harder for you to just “be supportive”, but maybe she’ll come home this weekend and you can pamper her without asking questions. (Remember, chocolate is always good for pampering.) For now, you’ll just have to convey that support over the phone.

Good luck!

Lauren, the “younger teen”

This is a little out of my playing field, but I do have some advice. I know when I’m really upset about something, I don’t want to talk about it at first. So I would say be supportive to start without trying to discuss the break-up. Call her, maybe go visit her or have her come home this weekend. Let her think it over herself to start - she may be able to handle it on her own. If she does come home over the weekend, do some things as a family and then maybe send the girls out to do something. She may want to talk to her mom and/or sister first - girl to girl or woman to woman (since she’s somewhere in between).

After a little bit of time has passed, I would try to talk to her about it. Once she has a bit of a handle on it she may be more willing to talk about the break-up and what happened leading up to it. For now, try to be there if she is ready to talk but don’t push it, let her think on her own.

This may be a little off topic but when reading your post I thought of a Gilmore Girls episode in which Rory, the daughter, breaks up with her first boyfriend. Her mother wants to hear what happened and she keeps pushing her to talk about it, but Rory doesn’t want to yet. She runs away to her grandparents house just so she can think it out herself first but by the end of the episode she is comfortable talking to her mom about it.

So there’s my advice, but Rach is probably more informed in this area since she herself has been through it.

Lauren, guest teen blogger

It’s the beginning of eighth grade and everyone seems to be talking about high school. The teachers are all talking about how different high school will be and that no one will be there to “hold our hands”. The high school fair is coming up where schools in the area come to talk to us. But, most of all it’s the students talking about which high school they plan to attend. Our town doesn’t have our own high school, so we send to another school in a neighboring town. I think because of that, many students feel they want to attend private schools or at least not the public school our district feeds to. Around here there are some other good options. We have many different county schools that are free and a great education, but there you lack the normal high school experience and you need to be willing to specialize. There’s a county school that’s great for technology, one for if you want to be a doctor, one for marine and ocean sciences, and several more. Then, there are the extremely competitive, private, non-religious schools, which cost a fortune. Finally, there are catholic schools that aren’t really such great schools and are pretty expensive. Those are the main schools other than the public school that students attend.

So the question is “why does it seem to be such a hard decision?” For many girls, I think they may be intimidated by the big public high school which is also fed into by another school where the kids seem to be a bit tougher. Since my brother is already attending, I’m not that worried about that. So, for me, it’s either the standard public high school or this county school for technology. I want the “normal high school experience”, but the technology school offers a great education (for free!) and I’m really interested in what they have to offer. So what do you guys think about the high school decision?

Rach, the “teen”

First let me tell you this: the teachers who tell you that high school is different (read: way hard), those teachers are lying to you. Freshman year is all about teachers helping you. Being a freshman is kind of like being in a big prep class for the rest of high school. Unless you’re planning on taking all AP classes, you’ll be fine. High school isn’t as hard as they say.

When it comes to specialized high schools, I think they are a terrible idea. Like, fantastically bad. That is, when I was 13, and going into high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be. At least, I would certainly not have expected to be interested in so many things. I think specializing that early is bad for the majority of kids.

Think of it like this, when I was nine, I wanted to be an astronaut. At 15, I desperately wanted to be an artist. Now, at 18, I have no idea what I want from my life. When you were nine, what did you want to be? If you choose the specialized school, you get a very specific education that may fit in with what you want now, but it might or might not fit in with what you want later. Like me and being an astronaut, I would have been seriously regretting that decision now, had I chosen then to go into science. Or into a specialized art school at 15. Rounded is good.

So, right now you’ve got to choose between a classic high school experience and one that is more fitted to what you might want in a career. If you were my real sister, I would encourage you to go for the public school.

Brad, the “dad”

Way, way, way back in the Triassic when I went to high school, there wasn’t any choice at all. There was the public high school nearest to you – no intradistrict transfers back then, let me tell you – and there was the Catholic high school that was for actual Catholics. But now? For both my daughters, we had to struggle with far too many choices, and that’s not unusual. So welcome to the party, Lauren. Sorry.

I have to agree with Rach here: a lot of the scare-talk about how different and huge and terrifying high school will be is exactly that: scare-talk. Only those afflicted with genius or obsession should even think about single-subject schools (and that’s a much, much smaller group than you think. P.S. You’re not one of them). On the other hand, the idea of a “real high school experience” is equally fantastical. Our li’l ones went (are going) to a project-based high school that’s far from home and has only about 400 kids, and we agonized about the same thing: will they get a “real” high school experience in such a small, non-neighborhood-y place? And it’s true, there isn’t a cheerleading squad or a CIF football team there, but The Girls didn’t suffer (they wouldn’t have been cheerleaders or quarterbacks anyway); today they are socially well-adjusted, and so far there’s been no difficulty in getting into college. So what is a “real high school experience,” anyway? My observation? It’s the one you have, not the one you see on TV or other people tell you about (that, after all, is their “real high school experience”).

My advice: ask everybody you know, with kids in and recently out of high school, for recommendations. If you’re lucky, there will be some options within your public school district. But check out charter schools, open-enrollment church-based schools, any private schools you can honestly afford. You’ll find that almost all of them offer you a chance to “shadow” a current student for a full day – not just to go on a tour and get a sales pitch, but to actually attend classes, hang out at lunch, talk to the current students. (And if they don’t offer that kind of access…cross them off the list.) Then choose the one (or ones – options, always options!) that ‘feels’ the most comfortable.

And most important of all: don’t worry about it, no matter what those icky grown-ups and teachers say. The experience you’ll have in high school will have as much to do with you, and how you approach it, as it does with the school itself…and if you go in next Fall determined to enjoy yourself, learn what you can, and move on to college in a few years, you’ll be fine. In fact, you’ll be great.

Mary, the “mom”

My thirteen-year-old daughter recently observed that she and her friends are much more aware of the current presidential election than she remembered being four years ago.  She follows the news and the polls, and watched the debate.  She wondered whether this increased level of interest was just because they were older (although her sister who is four year’s younger is pretty aware), or perhaps a result of a Social Studies teacher they all had in seventh grade who really brought politics to life.  While I’m sure both of those points are relevant, I think this election has everyone a bit more engaged than in recent years.

First, there’s the historic composition of the tickets – the first African American man to be the presidential nominee of a major party the first woman to be the Republican vice-presidential nominee.  As many have pointed out, whichever part wins, this election makes history. Second, I think, is the theme of “Change”.  This is a concept teens can really relate to.  Finally, I think it’s the way the internet has changed how the candidates interact with the public.  The campaigns both have Facebook and MySpace pages and appear regularly on YouTube, a surefire way to reach young audiences.

I think it’s wonderful that these young teens are following the election and educating themselves about the issues.  My daughter won’t be quite old enough to vote in the next presidential election, but if she stays this engaged, by the time she is old enough to vote, she should be quite an educated voter. 

So, Rach, are you into this election?  “Dad”, are your daughters following it closely?  What about the rest of you, do you find your kids more engaged in the political process than in the past?

Rach, the “teen”

I’m pretty invested in this election. I credit this to the fact that I am old enough to vote. I voted in the primaries, and I plan to vote in the presidential election. The last election, the one in ‘04 (when I was 13), had little effect on me. I had no real feelings about the whole thing. It seemed silly that young teens would be so invested in something that essentially had no effect on them at all.

The thing is, when I was thirteen, I was forming strong opinions on things that didn’t seem political to me at the time. I thought politics was all economy and oil prices and attacks on our country. I think being politically involved as a young teen is awesome, as long as your political opinions and views are your own. And not a mirror of what your parents, or what your society says.

Anyway, now that I can vote, I am much more interested, because I’m realizing that this really effects me. My health, my education, and my human rights are all on the line. And that’s a scary thought, knowing that I am in charge of me, and my voice won’t be heard unless I stay active in politics.

Brad, the “dad”

As a long-time political junkie (my own father was actually a local politician when I was in my teens), I’m actually a bit disappointed: neither the Valkyrie at 17 or the Elf at 14 are particularly interested in THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.  I suspect it’s a bit of typical parental backlash: Dad and Mom are SO into it, the girls are already bored by it before it begins.  This is further enhanced — or dis-enhanced — by some bad birth-luck: The Valkyrie turns 18 literally the day after the election, so she can’t vote, and — particularly with so much else going on during her first month in college — she just can’t get herself interested.

The funny thing is, they’ve both made up their minds — they made them up a long time ago.  It’s not that they don’t appreciate the importance of the election (though the Elf has told me that if I say, “Hey!  You’re witnessing history here, damn it!” one more time, she will kick me in the shins.); it’s just that — among their peers, anyway — it’s virtually a foregone conclusion, and entirely non-historic.  Mixed-race candidate?  They have friends that look like Obama.  Women running on the ticket?  Mom may be bursting with pride, but their reaction is basically, “Well, duh, what did you expect?”

I find this oddly encouraging.  What seems to revolutionary to old fogies like me is just business-as-usual to them.  Of course there will be African Americans in high office (Los Angeles has a Latino mayor, after all, as the Valk pointed out to me recently, so what is the big deal?).  And of course there will be women in the White House sooner rather than later.  And the fact that they see it as more than just inevitable — as what already is – actually gives me hope for the future. 

Maybe this tale is already told.  Maybe the ‘change’ we’re all so eager for, regardless of your party affiliation, has, in fact, already happened in the hearts and minds of our children…and we just haven’t noticed yet.

Now that’s the kind of change I can believe in.

Brad, the “dad”

The Elf is having a great time in her first month as a high school student. She’s even made a good new friend, and I’m happy about that – really I am. But just last week, at her first Back-to-School Night, I met the New Friend’s parents…

…and that’s when the trouble started.

I can’t stand them. Can’t STAND them. The way they treat their daughter, their opinions about the school, their politics – heck, their taste in clothing. From the moment I met them, it was one of those things, one of those vibes. I knew in an instant that this was not going to go well.

I managed to remain bland and non-committal throughout the conversation. I managed to dodge the invitation for a barbecue and I thank the gods of commuting that our carpool is already full. But here’s the question: how much should I trust the daughter? How much should I encourage (or discourage) this particular friendship? After all, if the parents are this repellent to me, how can they produce a truly healthy child? Shouldn’t I do my best to slowly, slowly ease the Elf away from this particular friend and towards someone more appropriate? More beneficial? Or at least one with parents I don’t want to throttle?

Or is it possible I’m just being a teeny bit selfish?

Mary, the “mom”

Don’t do it, “Dad”!  Don’t discourage.  Don’t ease the Elf away from New Friend.  Let it be.

First, as we’ve talked about here before, it’s generally not a good idea to try and tell your kids who to be friends with.  It often backfires.  If you believed the friend herself was a bad influence, I might condone trying to ”ease away”, but it doesn’t sound like this is the case.  On the other hand, you don’t have to encourage the friendship and you certainly shouldn’t subject yourself to her parents’ company, if you don’t want to.

Second, kids aren’t always a reflection of their parents.  Sometimes, as parents,this bothers us.  But, thinking about it from the perspective of the New Friend, I would have hated for someone to make judgments about me based upon their opinion of my father.  There is no way anyone could divine anything about my beliefs and values from my father’s politics or how he dressed or even how he talked to me.

So, my advice is don’t discourage the friendship, but don’t encourage it either.  And, try to give New Friend a chance.  Maybe the Elf sees something you don’t because you couldn’t see past her parents.

Rach, the “teen”

I agree with “Mom” - don’t ween your daughter off this friend. You taught the Elf well, so she should be able to judge if the friend is a good addition to her growing army of teenage girls. Likewise, if this friend turns out to be iffy, she’ll know how to break it off.

Anyway, my parental units don’t know any of my friends parents. It’s not hard to avoid the friends un-cool parents. And if you really don’t want your daughter to be influenced by the friends parents, that’s easy: just get the friend to always hang at your house, and insist on you picking them up and dropping them off. More driving for you, but it might be worth it.

Don’t forget, everyone has messed up parents. And no one deserves to be judged by what their families are like.

Rach, the “teen”

I moved into college about two weeks ago. So far things are going well: I have lots of new friends on my hall, my classes all seems superbly interesting and I’ve been applying for some pretty cool campus jobs.

My dilemma this week is: how can I learn to manage working and playing with out losing my mind. That is, how can a teen living entirely independently for the first time learn to deal with studying and partying with out getting overwhelmed by either?

My HA (hall advisor) says it’s best to plan out entire days, have scheduled time for “fun” - but that’s not how fun works. Spontaneity is half the fun of, well, fun. I’m really worried that I won’t leave enough time for just hanging around, or that I’ll burn out and not get any of my work done. What did you do, and how can I get my parents help me out with this?

Mary, the “mom”

Wow, Rach! Great question and one that I wish I knew the answer to. I tend to be the kind of (uptight) person who has trouble having fun when there’s work hanging over my head. Don’t get me wrong, I like to kick back and relax and I like to have fun, but I like to get the work done first. Somehow I just can’t relax and enjoy when I know there something I should be doing. Or, in the case of a long term project, I need to know that I’m on track with it. Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly when this kicked in. I think it was when I went to college and was terrified of letting my work slip.

So, I guess my answer would be: do the work, and then go have fun or at least plan a set time to do the work before you go have fun. It doesn’t mean you can’t be spontaneous. It just means that when some fun opportunity interrupts your work, you need to decide whether you will have time to do the work later. Sometimes, the answer will be no and if that’s the case you should probably turn down the fun opportunity.

Learning this balancing act is at the heart of my concerns about letting my son manage his own workload versus me keeping on top of him about it. He’s got to learn to make these decisions on his own before he gets to college. On the other hand, the objective right now is to get him there.

Brad, the “dad”

My daughter The Elf is a tough li’l girl. At fourteen-going-on-forty, she has, over the last year, become the exact opposite of the emotional, sullen stereotype (except for the language. What a mouth that girl has…). But I think her hard-won maturity is working against her at the moment, and I feel absolutely unable to help.

She starts high school in a few days. And I can tell: she’s absolutely terrified. She’s not sleeping. She’s not eating. And this is a girl who loves to eat and sleep. Without end and with much enthusiasm. She did emerge at around four in the morning to very quietly confess to me (as I recall) that she was very nervous about Opening Day, and nothing I said seemed to help at all.

It doesn’t matter that she’s going to the same school her older sister successfully completed. It doesn’t matter that she’s been on the campus half a dozen times already, or that she’s going to be carpooling with her two best friends. It’s new, it’s unknown, and it’s killing her.

I know — at least I hope — that two days after she gets there, she’ll be fine. But I want to be able to help her now, to do something other than mouth the standard (and, it seems to me, rather dismissive) clichés: “Oh, it’s just nerves,” “Oh, it’s not that bad,” and of course my classic all-purpose, “You know, on my first day of school…”

So “Mom”? “Daughter”? Any advice? I don’t want to dote, but I don’t want to abandon her either. How can I help her through this, ’cause somehow just being stoic isn’t cutting it.

Rach, the “teen”

The best thing you can do is distract her. If she spends all day sitting around thinking about how scary its gonna be, then it’s gonna be pretty scary. But if she spends all day thinking about something else, then it’ll be pretty hard for her to worry about the first day.

So, telling her about your first day isn’t such a terrible idea. Or you could just wait it out, because in a few days she’ll be feeling happy and excited and like she knows everything about high school. And that will be awesome.

Mary, the “mom”

I have to admit that I started to think about how to answer “dad’s” query before I saw Rach’s response. My suggestions were going to be dramatically different than Rach’s. I was thinking along the lines of “sit down with her and have her really try to dissect what it is that she is so nervous about and then deal with that rationally.” But, when I saw Rach’s response, I thought “well, she is a heck of a lot closer to this than I am, maybe I am way off base here.” So, I asked my own kids at the dinner table tonight.

My thirteen year-old, who is starting eighth grade was quick to point out that she is closer in age to the Elf than anyone else voicing an opinion. She agreed with Rach – distract her. Although, I think that in my daughter’s mind distraction equated to ‘take her shopping and buy her lots of new stuff’. My son, who is a junior in high school this year suggested that the Elf’s older sister might be a better person to talk with her. Although, he did add the caveat that his suggestion would only work if they get along with each other better than his sisters do.

Whatever you decide to say or do, I think the fact that she knows that you understand that she’s nervous and that you care is comforting. And, next week when she is too busy texting her new friends to answer your questions about how its going, you can rest easy.

Rach, the “teen”

A few years ago I tried to get my parents into being conscious about our footprint. It didn’t work, we all used the recycling as another smaller trash can, I felt bad, told everyone that recycling was for hippies, and gave up. Of course, my dad just recently got into recycling. Actually, we got into it because the people who lived in our house before we moved in left their recycling bin here. So, we started washing out containers, packaging up old newspapers and even crushing soda cans to make more space.

Now that we have the special blue bin everything seems different. The whole family is more environmentally aware. It’s great! One day we all just started really caring about our environment. No one ever taught us to be aware, I guess the fact that our planet is filling with garbage really scared us. So, does your family recycle? And how have you taught your kids about being environmentally responsible in a world that is so used to wasting?

Mary, the “mom”

Recycling has been required by law around here for a long time - probably twenty years. So, my kids haven’t known a time when there wasn’t a separate can for tossing recyclables. It’s not something we talk about all that much, it’s just how it is.

Now and again, the school will do a lesson focused on recycling and one of the kids will come home all “gung-ho” to do more. They’ll double check the codes on the bottom of plastic containers I throw away. However, this enthusiasm doesn’t extend to taking shorter showers or bringing empty shampoo bottles downstairs to put in the recycling bin. Actually, come to think of it, they don’t even bother to take the empty shampoo bottle out of the shower, but that’s a separate issue.

I’ll admit to having been lazy about recycling certain things. Is it really worth all the water you use to clean out the peanut butter jar? But just this year, on Earth Day, I saw a segment on a morning show with a recycling specialist who said you don’t have to wash out the jars. How liberating!

Lately, I’ve been noticing more and more canvas bags at the grocery store. At first, my reaction was “what a hassle!” However, I am now starting to realize just how many little plastic bags I bring home from the various stores and I think canvas bags may be the next frontier for us in recycling. Maybe I’ll have more success with that than the shorter shower thing!

Brad, the “dad”

Hey, I’m in California. We invented recycling. I’m sitting here right now looking at the bags and bags of hard plastic vs. soft plastic vs. colored glass vs. shiny paper vs. blahdeblahdeblah that is part and parcel of L.A. Life in this century. And this is a good thing.

But me personally? I’m over it. Or rather, past it. We’ve recently focused the family on a different, oft-neglected part of the “recycle, reuse, reduce” mantra. I’m convinced we are simply buying too much stuff wrapped in too much other stuff, and it has to stop. If the container can’t be crumpled up into a fraction of its original size – assuming it won’t simply rot away – I say it ain’t comin’ in here. Because I’m sick to death of hauling all this crap to the recycle bins.

I’ve recently changed produce markets because my favorite place puts a lot of its soft fruits in plastic boxes. And I don’t want plastic boxes. We’ve pretty much stopped buying any prepared or frozen foods, with a few notable exceptions. (Frozen bananas and peas. Frozen peas, my friends, are a gift from God.) No more bottled water – which was already a rip-off – and juices in cartons not cans (eww! Cans!) or glass. I’m even buying rice and flour in bulk and putting it in good ol’ fashioned Mason Jars, just like Grammy use’ta. Boxes, boil-in-a-bag and plastic wrap is so 1900’s, don’t you think?

Point is: we’re concentrating on using less, buying more wisely, and eating fresh and local whenever possible, so that recycling – as important as it is, and it is – isn’t the only thing we do to feel good about begin green; it’s merely the first thing.

Here endeth the sermon for the day.

Rach, the “teen”

In thirty-eight days I will be moving my stuff into a college dorm room. In thirty-nine days I will totally be freaking out, because, oh my god, I’m in college.

I’m pretty worried about it, the whole college thing. It’s not the roommate, the food, the classes or the friends, and it’s not being on my own. I don’t know what’s been making me so anxious. I’ve asked my other college-bound friends and they don’t really seem to know either. Some of them have specific fears, and some of us are just having general “wow, college” fears.

High school was good for me; things went pretty smoothly all around - and I’m expecting college to be completely different. So, what are the biggest differences between high school and college, and how did you deal with the transition and all the worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Oh Rach, first of all, it’s flattering that you think I still remember anything from so long ago!

But, seriously, I really do feel for you. It’s so exciting and so scary.

I do remember being so excited to be independent but feeling forlorn when my mother left me at school the first time. It didn’t last long. Everyone was in the same boat and it was easy to make friends.

I was very anxious about the classes, thinking I had coasted through high school and now it was going to be really hard. I just made up my mind to work hard and not fall behind in my classes and it worked. These days, virtually no one can coast through high school, so I’m sure you’ve already learned the good study habits that will make that transition smooth. Not to get off track here, but, this is where I worry about my son and whether my tendency to micro-manage helps or hinders him learning good study habits. (Note to self, really gotta reign that in this year.)

Change is never easy. No matter how happy you are about it, it still takes you out of your comfort zone. So, I think a little bit of anxiety is normal and healthy. I think I’d be more concerned about you going off to college if you weren’t somewhat anxious!

Brad, the “dad”

Okay, first thing, Rach: don’t go, don’t do it, you’ll break your father’s heart.

That being said …

Y’know, in this crazy world, there are some very important things you can foresee, expect, prepare for and anticipate… but for which you will never really be ready. Marriage is one of them. Parenthood is another. And so is going off to college.

Here in SoCal, we’ve decided to plan the essentials only – your basic ‘food, clothing, shelter’ necessities — and let the rest of fall into place as we go along…since that’s the way it’s going to happen anyway, no matter how much we try to avoid the unknown. But all will be well. For one thing, it sounds like you – like the Valkyrie – will be living in a dorm, which is kind of a pleasantly transitional ‘half-life’ between the The Family Home and The Real World. Take advantage of that. Heck, cling to that. For a while, at least, you don’t have to worry about shopping for food or making meals or paying utilities or even doing much of your own clean-up, and your laundry room is just down the hall. This is a good thing.

And don’t be too worried. Living with a couple of other girls off a noisy hallway filled with other girls (and if there are boys? Do not tell your parents!) will even keep the dreaded Boogeyman of Homesickness at bay…most of the time, There is going to be a ton to do, way too much to do, and if you’re like most college kids you’ll be way too busy to feel bad, Besides, when and if you do, well, that’s why the Gods of Going Off To College invented the cell phone. Use it. There is no shame in a midnight call to Mom, even for the most trivial, non-specific reason. In fact, she’ll love you for it.

So my advice, such as it is, is to do a little prep, a little planning. Don’t go in blind and blithery like I did back in the Jurassic, when college was just a couple of caves over and we did our homework on wax tablets. But just as important, don’t overplan. Right now, being flexible, happily going with the flow, is almost more important than being prepared. ‘Cause kid, trust me on this, no matter how prepared you think you are… you will never, ever be ready. At some point, it’s just time to close your eyes, hold your nose, and jump.

And believe me, you’ll love it