Brad, the “dad”

My daughter The Elf is a tough li’l girl. At fourteen-going-on-forty, she has, over the last year, become the exact opposite of the emotional, sullen stereotype (except for the language. What a mouth that girl has…). But I think her hard-won maturity is working against her at the moment, and I feel absolutely unable to help.

She starts high school in a few days. And I can tell: she’s absolutely terrified. She’s not sleeping. She’s not eating. And this is a girl who loves to eat and sleep. Without end and with much enthusiasm. She did emerge at around four in the morning to very quietly confess to me (as I recall) that she was very nervous about Opening Day, and nothing I said seemed to help at all.

It doesn’t matter that she’s going to the same school her older sister successfully completed. It doesn’t matter that she’s been on the campus half a dozen times already, or that she’s going to be carpooling with her two best friends. It’s new, it’s unknown, and it’s killing her.

I know — at least I hope — that two days after she gets there, she’ll be fine. But I want to be able to help her now, to do something other than mouth the standard (and, it seems to me, rather dismissive) clichés: “Oh, it’s just nerves,” “Oh, it’s not that bad,” and of course my classic all-purpose, “You know, on my first day of school…”

So “Mom”? “Daughter”? Any advice? I don’t want to dote, but I don’t want to abandon her either. How can I help her through this, ’cause somehow just being stoic isn’t cutting it.

Rach, the “teen”

The best thing you can do is distract her. If she spends all day sitting around thinking about how scary its gonna be, then it’s gonna be pretty scary. But if she spends all day thinking about something else, then it’ll be pretty hard for her to worry about the first day.

So, telling her about your first day isn’t such a terrible idea. Or you could just wait it out, because in a few days she’ll be feeling happy and excited and like she knows everything about high school. And that will be awesome.

Mary, the “mom”

I have to admit that I started to think about how to answer “dad’s” query before I saw Rach’s response. My suggestions were going to be dramatically different than Rach’s. I was thinking along the lines of “sit down with her and have her really try to dissect what it is that she is so nervous about and then deal with that rationally.” But, when I saw Rach’s response, I thought “well, she is a heck of a lot closer to this than I am, maybe I am way off base here.” So, I asked my own kids at the dinner table tonight.

My thirteen year-old, who is starting eighth grade was quick to point out that she is closer in age to the Elf than anyone else voicing an opinion. She agreed with Rach – distract her. Although, I think that in my daughter’s mind distraction equated to ‘take her shopping and buy her lots of new stuff’. My son, who is a junior in high school this year suggested that the Elf’s older sister might be a better person to talk with her. Although, he did add the caveat that his suggestion would only work if they get along with each other better than his sisters do.

Whatever you decide to say or do, I think the fact that she knows that you understand that she’s nervous and that you care is comforting. And, next week when she is too busy texting her new friends to answer your questions about how its going, you can rest easy.

Rach, the “teen”

A few years ago I tried to get my parents into being conscious about our footprint. It didn’t work, we all used the recycling as another smaller trash can, I felt bad, told everyone that recycling was for hippies, and gave up. Of course, my dad just recently got into recycling. Actually, we got into it because the people who lived in our house before we moved in left their recycling bin here. So, we started washing out containers, packaging up old newspapers and even crushing soda cans to make more space.

Now that we have the special blue bin everything seems different. The whole family is more environmentally aware. It’s great! One day we all just started really caring about our environment. No one ever taught us to be aware, I guess the fact that our planet is filling with garbage really scared us. So, does your family recycle? And how have you taught your kids about being environmentally responsible in a world that is so used to wasting?

Mary, the “mom”

Recycling has been required by law around here for a long time - probably twenty years. So, my kids haven’t known a time when there wasn’t a separate can for tossing recyclables. It’s not something we talk about all that much, it’s just how it is.

Now and again, the school will do a lesson focused on recycling and one of the kids will come home all “gung-ho” to do more. They’ll double check the codes on the bottom of plastic containers I throw away. However, this enthusiasm doesn’t extend to taking shorter showers or bringing empty shampoo bottles downstairs to put in the recycling bin. Actually, come to think of it, they don’t even bother to take the empty shampoo bottle out of the shower, but that’s a separate issue.

I’ll admit to having been lazy about recycling certain things. Is it really worth all the water you use to clean out the peanut butter jar? But just this year, on Earth Day, I saw a segment on a morning show with a recycling specialist who said you don’t have to wash out the jars. How liberating!

Lately, I’ve been noticing more and more canvas bags at the grocery store. At first, my reaction was “what a hassle!” However, I am now starting to realize just how many little plastic bags I bring home from the various stores and I think canvas bags may be the next frontier for us in recycling. Maybe I’ll have more success with that than the shorter shower thing!

Brad, the “dad”

Hey, I’m in California. We invented recycling. I’m sitting here right now looking at the bags and bags of hard plastic vs. soft plastic vs. colored glass vs. shiny paper vs. blahdeblahdeblah that is part and parcel of L.A. Life in this century. And this is a good thing.

But me personally? I’m over it. Or rather, past it. We’ve recently focused the family on a different, oft-neglected part of the “recycle, reuse, reduce” mantra. I’m convinced we are simply buying too much stuff wrapped in too much other stuff, and it has to stop. If the container can’t be crumpled up into a fraction of its original size – assuming it won’t simply rot away – I say it ain’t comin’ in here. Because I’m sick to death of hauling all this crap to the recycle bins.

I’ve recently changed produce markets because my favorite place puts a lot of its soft fruits in plastic boxes. And I don’t want plastic boxes. We’ve pretty much stopped buying any prepared or frozen foods, with a few notable exceptions. (Frozen bananas and peas. Frozen peas, my friends, are a gift from God.) No more bottled water – which was already a rip-off – and juices in cartons not cans (eww! Cans!) or glass. I’m even buying rice and flour in bulk and putting it in good ol’ fashioned Mason Jars, just like Grammy use’ta. Boxes, boil-in-a-bag and plastic wrap is so 1900’s, don’t you think?

Point is: we’re concentrating on using less, buying more wisely, and eating fresh and local whenever possible, so that recycling – as important as it is, and it is – isn’t the only thing we do to feel good about begin green; it’s merely the first thing.

Here endeth the sermon for the day.

Rach, the “teen”

In thirty-eight days I will be moving my stuff into a college dorm room. In thirty-nine days I will totally be freaking out, because, oh my god, I’m in college.

I’m pretty worried about it, the whole college thing. It’s not the roommate, the food, the classes or the friends, and it’s not being on my own. I don’t know what’s been making me so anxious. I’ve asked my other college-bound friends and they don’t really seem to know either. Some of them have specific fears, and some of us are just having general “wow, college” fears.

High school was good for me; things went pretty smoothly all around - and I’m expecting college to be completely different. So, what are the biggest differences between high school and college, and how did you deal with the transition and all the worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Oh Rach, first of all, it’s flattering that you think I still remember anything from so long ago!

But, seriously, I really do feel for you. It’s so exciting and so scary.

I do remember being so excited to be independent but feeling forlorn when my mother left me at school the first time. It didn’t last long. Everyone was in the same boat and it was easy to make friends.

I was very anxious about the classes, thinking I had coasted through high school and now it was going to be really hard. I just made up my mind to work hard and not fall behind in my classes and it worked. These days, virtually no one can coast through high school, so I’m sure you’ve already learned the good study habits that will make that transition smooth. Not to get off track here, but, this is where I worry about my son and whether my tendency to micro-manage helps or hinders him learning good study habits. (Note to self, really gotta reign that in this year.)

Change is never easy. No matter how happy you are about it, it still takes you out of your comfort zone. So, I think a little bit of anxiety is normal and healthy. I think I’d be more concerned about you going off to college if you weren’t somewhat anxious!

Brad, the “dad”

Okay, first thing, Rach: don’t go, don’t do it, you’ll break your father’s heart.

That being said …

Y’know, in this crazy world, there are some very important things you can foresee, expect, prepare for and anticipate… but for which you will never really be ready. Marriage is one of them. Parenthood is another. And so is going off to college.

Here in SoCal, we’ve decided to plan the essentials only – your basic ‘food, clothing, shelter’ necessities — and let the rest of fall into place as we go along…since that’s the way it’s going to happen anyway, no matter how much we try to avoid the unknown. But all will be well. For one thing, it sounds like you – like the Valkyrie – will be living in a dorm, which is kind of a pleasantly transitional ‘half-life’ between the The Family Home and The Real World. Take advantage of that. Heck, cling to that. For a while, at least, you don’t have to worry about shopping for food or making meals or paying utilities or even doing much of your own clean-up, and your laundry room is just down the hall. This is a good thing.

And don’t be too worried. Living with a couple of other girls off a noisy hallway filled with other girls (and if there are boys? Do not tell your parents!) will even keep the dreaded Boogeyman of Homesickness at bay…most of the time, There is going to be a ton to do, way too much to do, and if you’re like most college kids you’ll be way too busy to feel bad, Besides, when and if you do, well, that’s why the Gods of Going Off To College invented the cell phone. Use it. There is no shame in a midnight call to Mom, even for the most trivial, non-specific reason. In fact, she’ll love you for it.

So my advice, such as it is, is to do a little prep, a little planning. Don’t go in blind and blithery like I did back in the Jurassic, when college was just a couple of caves over and we did our homework on wax tablets. But just as important, don’t overplan. Right now, being flexible, happily going with the flow, is almost more important than being prepared. ‘Cause kid, trust me on this, no matter how prepared you think you are… you will never, ever be ready. At some point, it’s just time to close your eyes, hold your nose, and jump.

And believe me, you’ll love it

Mary, the “mom”

I recently had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend. She was telling me about her thirteen-year-old daughter having a boyfriend. A boyfriend she’s been “going out” with for eight months now. A boyfriend they have accepted and even welcomed into their home and family. It was clear she has grudgingly accepted the fact that her daughter is growing up, and fast. But she wasn’t exactly happy about it.

My response was, “Well, what choices do you have? If you forbid it, you just set the stage for her to lie and sneak around in order to see this boy. This way, you’re aware of what’s going on and in a position to supervise.” My friend agreed but told me that most of her other friends felt differently. They thought she was crazy to allow this relationship to go on.

It’s easy for me to spout my theory when it’s just that - a theory. I do have a thirteen-year-old daughter, but there is no boyfriend on the horizon. So, “dad” how did you handle the boyfriend issue with your daughters? Rach, what’s your take on it?

Rach, the “teen”

My parents never forbid me from seeing anyone. At 11 they drove me to see my first boyfriend. At 15 they allowed me to date a senior in high school. And at 18 they seem happy to see me dating the boy whose been chasing me.

I think parents should always be supportive. Parents who forbid their kids from seeing someone, or dating till a certain age are asking for their kid to lie to them. Parents who disapprove of a certain person should say something or set boundaries, forbidding isn’t an effective way to stop a behavior.

When I was fourteen, my best friends mom forbid him from seeing or speaking to me. His mom said I was a bad influence, and my parents were shocked but they stayed out of it. We got around the ban (by meeting at mutual friends houses and talking by email), but it was incredibly hard. Being banned from a best friend is terrible, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be banned from a boyfriend.

Brad, the “dad”

I’m sorry, what is this ‘boyfriend’ thing of which you speak? As we all know, the standard practice for Dads when it comes to dating daughters is to stick one’s fingers in one’s ears and go “la la la la” until Mom handles it.

So far, we have dodged this particular bullet – our daughters have both decided, pretty much on their own, that they’re not ready for boyfriends yet, though with the Valkyrie heading off to college in mere weeks, I know that’s going to change way too soon. We did have this problem with a “bad influence” friend and Rachel is right: it’s virtually impossible, given the wide range of activities and low level of supervision, to really “ban” anybody, at any teen-like age. If the Valk or the Elf wants to see somebody – romantically or otherwise – we parents would be foolish to think we could absolutely prevent it.

Still…I think that even if they would never admit it or show it, our kids really do want our approval and respect. So when we’ve dealt with less-than-perfect friends, we’ve let our daughter know directly – and privately, not in front of sibs or other friends – that we don’t really like the Kid in Question. And we tell her why. In some instances, it’s actually made her re-think the liaison. In others, she’s disagreed. Strenuously. Even tearfully. And I have to admit, in a couple of cases the girl was right and we were wrong: the Kid in Question wasn’t so bad after all. We also found in one crucial case that bringing in a respected third party – an older sister, an older, long-time friend or relative – who could say basically what we would have said, but without the “parent thing” wrapped around it, did a world of good. The girls actually heard the message rather than raged at the messenger, and backed away from a potentially bad situation.

I am clinging to the idea that our daughters’ judgment is already good enough to keep them from making really bad mistakes about men. But this is the real world and the 21^st century, and chances are they’ll get hurt. After we’ve done our best – limited though it may be – to protect them, our real job as parents of teens and adults is to accept what we couldn’t prevent and help them heal. Not the funnest part of the gig, but there you go.

Read Teen Friendships.

Rach, the “teen”

Sex education is a real issue in my mind. In four years of high school I’ve never had a sex education class. This bothers me because I feel like it is irresponsible for the schools (and the government) not to teach kids and teens about sex.

But, I didn’t feel like I had to worry, because when I was hitting puberty my parents did more than just “the talk” – they bought us books about everything. We had growing bodies books, we had books about differing sexualities, and we had books about the science of sex and pregnancy. But we did much more than read, we talked about what was ok in our family, and we discussed the issues relating to sex in the news. And this discussion never really ended, we still talk about these issued openly in my family.

I think what my parents did was great. Both my brother and I have grown up to be very responsible and safe about our sex lives. But I think teens that don’t get all the information from their parents are worse off, and this is where the schools should step in.

So, what do you think the school’s responsibility is for teaching sex education? And what information should be left to the parents to teach?

Mary, the “mom”

Rach, I agree, what your parents did was great! Parents need to talk to their children about sex and responsibility. Parents can offer so much more than a school sex education program because, while talking about sex and responsibility, parents can impart their values as well.

But I think these parental talks are most effective when supplemental to a formal sex education class. So, I do think schools have a responsibility to teach sex education and parents should be reinforcing those basic messages and adding their own perspectives and values. Like anything else we learn, repetition helps.

I know that the schools my children attend do teach sex education, but I’m not relying on that. For my older two, who already know the basics, I think these talks work best informally…maybe when prompted by something we watched together on TV or in response to the news my daughter heard about a 17 year-old “friend of a friend” who’s pregnant.

I try to use those opportunities to open the conversation and make my points. Like that 17 year old “friend of a friend” – she says it happened the first time. There’s definitely a lesson there!

Brad, the “dad”

Ahh, the ‘sex’ thing. Or as my daughters would say, “Oh my GOD, not that AGAIN!”

We’re in a particularly odd position here. The California public schools do teach something like sex ed, though it’s very brief and rather…hesitant? But for our girls, the real sex ed came from our church. The Unitarian Universalist Association has a carefully constructed multi-week curriculum called “Our Whole Lives” that covers the biology, the biochemistry, the ethics, the variations, the social context, all of it. And just to make it worse for our girls, they not only had to take it, they had to sit there while their parents taught it.

I wouldn’t suggest every parent go out and get training as a sex educator, but running the OWL program for a few years has taught me a few surprising things: One: most parents still don’t talk to their kids about sex. It still embarrasses them, no matter how wild they were when they were growing up. Two: For all the access to information, most kids still have a ton of misconceptions about everything from the likelihood of pregnancy to STD’s, so getting – and repeating – accurate information is always, always a good idea, no matter how much they groan. And Three: once the basics are laid down and nailed in place, casual conversations about sex – as “Mom” said, prompted by TV shows or commercials or real-world events – can be incredibly helpful, making sex important but not a Huge Deal, and still mysterious but not Secret. (You should have seen what kind of conversation Juno triggered around our house, and who ended up on which side. Weird…)

So, talk about it enough, through school or church or home to make casual conversation and reinforcement easy and frequent. Then when it gets serious – and it will, one day – everybody’s much for ready for it.

Though I admit I still get all icky inside when my wife says “masturbation” in front of the girls. Eww.

Brad, the “dad”

The Valkyrie, at 17.6 years of age, will be going off to college in just a few months. She’ll be joining a friend we’ve known for years who’s two years older than she is. I like her friend a lot – smart, enthusiastic, talented, hard-working…

But.

I happened to walk in on a conversation between them just yesterday, where Friend was telling a story about a silly thing she did when she was just a little bit drunk last weekend. (Friend isn’t quite 21 yet, which means she’s too young to buy alcohol.) It wasn’t anything horrible – she didn’t drive her car into a wall or have sex (or even make out) with some stranger; it was just silly. And they both treated it as oh-so-harmless and funny and inconsequential.

I’m pretty sure the Valk hasn’t done any drinking yet; Lord knows here in California the institutional “don’t drink/do drugs/ have sex” messages start in preschool, and maybe even prenatally. And I’ve seen her calmly, firmly keep away from that stuff in a high school where alcohol and drugs are available, though not epidemic. Besides, I did a fair amount of recreational imbibing myself in college, and I’m not naïve. It’s going to happen.

Still…

It’s yet another instance where we have to trust that the messages we’ve given her and the behavior we’ve tried to model will be enough to give her guidance. After all, that’s the central question for parents of ‘departing’ teens, isn’t it? Not What can I do? (since the answer almost always seems to be “Nothing now,”) but How much should I worry?

So: How much should I worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Well Dad, no matter what anyone says, you’re going to worry when the Valk departs. I’m not there yet, but my sense from what I’ve seen is that it just goes with the territory. But, on this particular issue, I’m thinking that if the Valk’s come this far – end of senior year of high school – without drinking, then you’re doing something right! And, to give credit where credit’s due, she has her act together!

Lots of kids are exposed to those “don’t drink/do drugs/have sex” messages, but many don’t listen. Since the Valk has apparently listened, at least you know that she “gets it” about drinking and how it impacts teen brains. And, you know that she’s observed the good model you’ve provided. I know that no underage drinking is acceptable, but if she chooses to experiment, I think you can feel somewhat comforted believing that she’ll proceed with caution.

The Valk has made good decisions so far. So, Dad, focus on that and try not to worry so much!

Rach, the “teen”

I think the amount of worrying you do should relate directly to how you’ve taught your daughter about making safe decisions. You taught the Valk not to drink, do drugs, or have unsafe sex. You enforced those rules, you were an example, and you let her know what was acceptable (and what was not) in your household, right?

I bet you did all of that. But, no matter how much you trust that your daughter will make safe decisions about alcohol, you will still worry. A lot.

Now you have to trust that you taught your daughter the right lessons. That you were an example, and that that will be enough to help her through all the decisions she will have to make without you.

Mom is right, focusing on the positives up to this point is important. And continuing the messages of “no drugs, no sex, no alcohol” in college will help her (and you) feel better about the Valk making her own informed responsible choices.

Rach, the “teen”

One of my good friends, S, is going to college a few states away from me. My two best friends, A and D are like brothers to me. Nothing can break our friendships. D and I are off to the same school (yay!), and A is already at college. It’s hard sometimes to stay in contact with him, but we make the effort. But with S, we’ve been friends for only few years, its going to be a lot harder.

She’s a good friend, she’s fun to be around, she’s the closest I’ve ever had to a classic best friend. You know, sleepovers, movies, girls nights filled with popcorn. Man, we even share bathing suits when we swim in her pool. I want to stay friends, and I’m sure she does too. But how do we do that? Lots of phone calls? Stay friends over the internet? It’s gonna be hard. Especially because we’re both such social butterflies. We’ll both be socially and academically packed during the year, so, are we just going to have to stay friends only over breaks and during the summer?

Did you stay in touch with your high school friends? How do you suggest we keep our friendship going?

Mary, the “mom”

It’s funny because I’ve been wondering about some of the same issues for my daughter who will graduate middle school next year. In our town, many of the public middle school students end up going to private high school. So, my daughter’s group of friends will likely experience some fall out. Although, I think there is often some reshuffling of friendships as “middle schoolers” become “high schoolers” and kids who were friends start to make different choices. Of course, none of that is as dramatic as what Rach is facing as she and her friends head off to college.

I think that as you go through each stage of life, you make some new friends and some of the old ones drop off. But, some of those the old friends hang on. My husband and I each seem to have retained one close friend from each stage. It’s pretty cool when you’re in your mid-40s and have someone you can reminisce with about middle school or high school.

I was tempted to say: “Que sera, sera”, the friendships that are meant to be will survive, but really, I think it’s the ones you nurture that will survive. And, in this day of text, IM, facebook, etc., it’s a lot easier and cheaper to keep in touch. So, try nurturing those friendships by keeping in touch. It will be worth it down the road.

Brad, the “dad”

We’ve been thinking about the survival (or lack thereof) of friendships across the middle school/high school and high school/college gap a lot around here, with both my daughters. After all, this September one of them is off to college (an hour away) and the other’s off to a (distant, charter-type) high school, and frankly I don’t expect many (or any) of the school-based friendships of either girl to survive the upcoming jumps.

The thing is…that’s not entirely a bad thing. The high school girl has a ‘friend’ who’s been nothing but a vicious, manipulative little … problem? … for years now, literally since elementary school, and I’m actually hoping that, once geography and academics separate them (the Vicious Little Thug isn’t going to college), she’ll be 100% history. And that’s good: she’s done enough damage already. Meanwhile the young’un has made a couple of acquaintances in middle school that sure look to me like they’re headed for trouble – too much interest in the ‘dangerous’ lifestyle choices re: sex, drug, and authority – and I’m quite happy to see them heading off in other directions as well. Good riddance, he said snittily.

Me, I had one friend from second grade until well into my forties, and ultimately only a thousand miles and a marriage (his, not mine) put any distance between us. And I have other old buds that go back twenty-five years now, so I know ‘extended friendships’ are possible and often very good for the soul. But I also think that – by and large – the ones that should survive, the ones that are healthy and beneficial to both parties – do survive the tests of time and distance. Those that don’t make it probably shouldn’t. (And no, I haven’t noticed that the wonders of e-mail, texting and webcams have really changed the situation all that much; the distance that grows between friends is really one that grows as shared experience dwindles, and technology only prolongs the agony, if it makes any difference at all).

So Rach – try and hang on to the relationships that really matter, but don’t be too surprised if they fade no matter how hard you try. Maybe – just maybe – it’s all for the best.

Brad, the “dad”

My 17-year-old daughter, the one who’s heading off to college in mid-August, dropped another bomb this afternoon. “I want to go to Europe this summer,” she said.

“What,” I said, “like you’re not leaving fast enough already?”

For some reason, she acted as if she hadn’t even heard me. “Three of my friends and me. Going to hostels in France and Italy.”

“No tour group? No school involved? No grown-ups?”

“I’m a grown-up now, Daddy.”

Before I could stop laughing, she said, “Come on, it’s only for a few weeks.” Yeah, like that would matter. Don’t put her in mortal danger in a foreign land ten thousand miles from home with no supervision for a month, that’s bad parenting. But for two weeks … no problem!

But seriously…she’s leaving soon already. Can’t she get into just as much trouble in her dorm room in the next county as she can in Alsace-Lorraine? And if I trust her then, why not trust her now? She’s a smart and responsible kid. Maybe it’s time to let her go.

But when does ‘letting go’ stop being a good idea and become just plain stupid? I know my daughter’s answer to that; it involves a round-trip ticket to Heathrow. I just don’t know mine.

Mary, the “mom”

No, she can’t get into as much trouble in her dorm room in the next county as she can in Alsace-Lorraine!

Finding your way around any new city can be a daunting experience, but you’re talking about a foreign country. Actually, two foreign countries. Where they don’t speak English!

I have no doubt that she is smart and responsible. Maybe she doesn’t need teachers or parents supervising (although she is still a minor). But has she ever traveled alone? Explored an unfamiliar city by herself? Does she speak French or Italian?

What about a tour group? I know…it sounds lame to her. Yeah, it sounds lame to me, too. But, YIKES, I can’t help thinking of all that could go wrong.

Can’t you find some compromise? A tour doesn’t have to be a senior citizen special or a high school trip with teacher chaperons. Maybe she can find some adventure tour meant for young people where they stay in hostels and backpack and all of that.

‘Letting go’ is good, but ‘too much, too soon’ isn’t.

Rach, the “teen”

I want to go touring France and Italy with your 17 year-old.

To be honest though, I agree, it would be a bad idea to let her go off alone like that. Especially as a minor. She could get into all sorts of trouble. And, well.. if I was touring another country completely without supervision - I wouldn’t exactly be on my best behavior.

So, being in a new and different country, without parents or supervision, where there is likely to be new challenges and adventures. It sounds fun, but it could really be seriously damaging.

Nonetheless, tours with groups are super lame, so how about letting her (and her friends) spend a night or two down at the beach, or at some other place that is close enough for you, but far enough for her to be independent. That’s what my parents are letting me do. A weekend at the beach. It’s no France, but hey, at least I get some time to be independent before the big leap to college.

Rach, the “teen”

I’ve been watching High School Confidential, a show that follows 12 girls through their four years in a typical Mid-western high school. If the girls didn’t talk so much about Kansas, I would have never known where the school is located.

Northwest, the school portrayed in the show, seemed almost exactly like my high school. Our student bodies are very similar; our communities seemed equally diverse, even our school television stations looked alike. The girls out there seem to wear more makeup than the girls at my school, but to be honest, that’s the biggest difference I saw.

That’s why I liked the show so much. Not only do I feel connected (because of our school comparisons), but because I felt connected to the students. They weren’t Orange County celebrities in the making, and they weren’t actors posing as teens. They were real teens, with real issues, making real choices. That rocks. It really felt like an accurate portrayal of what it’s like being a teenage girl.

Of course it might just be me. Did the high school and the kids seem real to you too?

Mary, the “mom”

It’s fascinating to me that Rachel does feel so connected to these girls and it’s really quite instructive. As I listen to them, they often sound quite dramatic. I think I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl, and of course I do remember some of it. But at this point in my life I’ve managed to put all those high school dramas into perspective. It’s easy as an adult to look at some of the issues these girls are dealing with and realize they are just small ‘bumps in the road’.

The girls in High School Confidential are a wake-up call. They are real. Their issues are real and, most importantly, their perspectives on those issues are real. As a parent, it’s really useful to be reminded that, to the girls, at that moment in time, these issues are all consuming.

On the other hand, some of the girls in this show are dealing with huge, life-altering issues – parents dying, unplanned pregnancies, and so on - issues that any adult would recognize as no small ‘bump in the road’. Yet, in some cases, they don’t get the support they so obviously need.

So, what did I get out of this as a mom? A reminder to not minimize the ‘crisis’ that are the milk of the teenager years and a little positive reinforcement that providing a stable and supportive environment – to whatever extent you can control it - has its benefits.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, High School Confidential scared the bejeebies out of me. Pregnancy, marriage, death, abortion – ah, good times, good times. Then I reminded myself that even though these are real kids, we’re watching the highlights (or lowlights) of four tumultuous years shrunk down into about 18 minutes.

My 17-year-old watched the show with me, and even she commented on how incredibly dramatic each story was. “We have 100 seniors at my [tiny] high school,” she said, “and there’s been exactly one pregnancy, two other girls who came back to school with babies, one traffic death, no suicides, and as far as I know no dead parents. Yet.” (At which point she gave me a disturbingly speculative squint.) There’s a point there: High School Confidential – being a TV show, after all — is intrinsically attracted to the Big Stories, good or bad; Judging by the experiences of my own kids and their friends, the day-to-day life of the high schooler isn’t nearly as high-anxiety as what we saw here.

Mary “the mom”

The older of my two daughters just turned thirteen last week and I had been feeling pretty good about how we’d been getting along lately. I knew it was probably the “calm before the storm,” but I’d hoped that wasn’t true. Then I watched High School Confidential.

High School Confidential (on WE tv) tracks 12 girls through the high school years. This week’s episode dealt with Sara and Caitlin, both of whom expressed some pretty conservative views upon entering high school. Sara’s parents are immigrants and her Persian culture is important to her. Caitlin describes herself as a devout Catholic for whom religion is one of the most important things in her life. Both of these girls appear to have a good relationship with their parents at this point. Then each of them meets a boy with whom they develop a serious relationship. By the time they graduate from high school, Sara is getting married to her boyfriend, much to her parents’ dismay, and Caitlin has fallen away from the church. As the girls progress through high school, their relationships with their parents deteriorate somewhat over the years.

This really concerned me - if this is the pattern then I am definitely in the “calm before the storm with my daughter!” But, what struck me was that, as freshman, these girls were parroting their parents’ pretty conservative values and, as they matured, they started to form their own values which weren’t always in sync with their parents. That obviously caused friction.

I could relate to this because it was my experience growing up. But, I’d like to think that I am pretty open-minded and that I’ve established a solid pattern of open and honest discussion with my children about the various big issues of life. It seems to have worked so far with my son – he is 16 and we haven’t hit any real storms, yet. I’d like to think that whatever choices my daughter makes, whatever identity she forges, we can still have a good relationship. Although, if she told me she wanted to get married at 18, I wouldn’t be so open-minded!

I discussed this episode with my daughter, including the idea that perhaps Sara got married so young because she wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. If my daughter was in a committed relationship, I’d rather she had protected sex than get married at 18, and, she knows it. I hope that by being realistic and open-minded, we can survive this high school journey with our relationship in tact, new identity and all!

On a lighter note, can we like please like teach our kids to like stop saying “like” every like other word? Sara drove me crazy with the “likes”!

Rach, the “teen”

“Mom”, what you are going through is very much the calm before the storm. My parents and I went through it, except, it only seemed like a calm to them. It was still storming for me; I just started leaving things out.

These girls’ relationships with their parents did seem to diminish as time went on. And I think that’s pretty normal. As teens gain independence, they stop letting their parents run their lives. What’s so sad about Sara and Caitlin (and me, and most of the teens I know) is that we stop letting our parents in. Over the past few years I’ve become more distant, because hey, my parents don’t really need to know about how I had that super hard physics test today, or how a girl I know might be pregnant.

Teens change really quickly as we grow into adults. And it’s hard to talk about our lives with the people who still see us as “daddy’s little girl.”

I agree with you. I would rather have my kids in a committed relationship having sex, than be getting married and making such a huge life decision so early. At least, I don’t think I’d be ready to get married this young.

I have something in common with Sara. My parents got married really young (and would disown me if I wanted to get married before 20). I’m also in a steady relationship. In fact, my boyfriend and I watched this episode together. We talked about their relationship portrayed on the show, how they seemed like they were both in it out of loneliness, not love.

All in all, this episode left me wondering what was left out. I couldn’t portray my senior year in an hour-long show, let alone the most important four years of my life so far.

Brad “the dad”

Sara and Caitlin didn’t really defy their parents or openly, actively reject their upbringing; they just drifted away, step at a time. No big blow-out with Mom or Dad; they simply stopped including them in their day-to-day lives. That’s exactly how it’s happening for me; the question is what gets lost in the spaces that are created by this new, disturbing independence (You know: that independence we’ve been training them for and urging them to embrace since they were babies.)

Rachel’s right: one hour, two kids, four years – that’s not nearly enough time to get a feel for why Sara and Caitlin did what they did. But that same sense of distance, of not knowing the whole story – that’s a big part of being the parent of a teenager. The dominant cliché that rules our lives is, “Well, we’ve spent all these years preparing her/him for the Real World; it’s time to let go and trust them to do the right thing,” while at the same time the other part of us is screaming, “What are you, insane? She’s not ready! He doesn’t know how to handle this! They’re making life-altering decisions and THEY NEED YOU!”

So you look for points of contact. You look for shared moments. And you try not to be as rigid or as clueless as these parents sometimes appeared to be – unfairly, I suspect, given the tiny window we were looking through. But ultimately, yes, you have to accept the cliché as truth and – urgh – trust them.

Read How Do You Keep in Touch With Your Teenager on ParentingTeensOnline.