Rach, the “teen”

Sex education is a real issue in my mind. In four years of high school I’ve never had a sex education class. This bothers me because I feel like it is irresponsible for the schools (and the government) not to teach kids and teens about sex.

But, I didn’t feel like I had to worry, because when I was hitting puberty my parents did more than just “the talk” – they bought us books about everything. We had growing bodies books, we had books about differing sexualities, and we had books about the science of sex and pregnancy. But we did much more than read, we talked about what was ok in our family, and we discussed the issues relating to sex in the news. And this discussion never really ended, we still talk about these issued openly in my family.

I think what my parents did was great. Both my brother and I have grown up to be very responsible and safe about our sex lives. But I think teens that don’t get all the information from their parents are worse off, and this is where the schools should step in.

So, what do you think the school’s responsibility is for teaching sex education? And what information should be left to the parents to teach?

Mary, the “mom”

Rach, I agree, what your parents did was great! Parents need to talk to their children about sex and responsibility. Parents can offer so much more than a school sex education program because, while talking about sex and responsibility, parents can impart their values as well.

But I think these parental talks are most effective when supplemental to a formal sex education class. So, I do think schools have a responsibility to teach sex education and parents should be reinforcing those basic messages and adding their own perspectives and values. Like anything else we learn, repetition helps.

I know that the schools my children attend do teach sex education, but I’m not relying on that. For my older two, who already know the basics, I think these talks work best informally…maybe when prompted by something we watched together on TV or in response to the news my daughter heard about a 17 year-old “friend of a friend” who’s pregnant.

I try to use those opportunities to open the conversation and make my points. Like that 17 year old “friend of a friend” – she says it happened the first time. There’s definitely a lesson there!

Brad, the “dad”

Ahh, the ‘sex’ thing. Or as my daughters would say, “Oh my GOD, not that AGAIN!”

We’re in a particularly odd position here. The California public schools do teach something like sex ed, though it’s very brief and rather…hesitant? But for our girls, the real sex ed came from our church. The Unitarian Universalist Association has a carefully constructed multi-week curriculum called “Our Whole Lives” that covers the biology, the biochemistry, the ethics, the variations, the social context, all of it. And just to make it worse for our girls, they not only had to take it, they had to sit there while their parents taught it.

I wouldn’t suggest every parent go out and get training as a sex educator, but running the OWL program for a few years has taught me a few surprising things: One: most parents still don’t talk to their kids about sex. It still embarrasses them, no matter how wild they were when they were growing up. Two: For all the access to information, most kids still have a ton of misconceptions about everything from the likelihood of pregnancy to STD’s, so getting – and repeating – accurate information is always, always a good idea, no matter how much they groan. And Three: once the basics are laid down and nailed in place, casual conversations about sex – as “Mom” said, prompted by TV shows or commercials or real-world events – can be incredibly helpful, making sex important but not a Huge Deal, and still mysterious but not Secret. (You should have seen what kind of conversation Juno triggered around our house, and who ended up on which side. Weird…)

So, talk about it enough, through school or church or home to make casual conversation and reinforcement easy and frequent. Then when it gets serious – and it will, one day – everybody’s much for ready for it.

Though I admit I still get all icky inside when my wife says “masturbation” in front of the girls. Eww.

Brad, the “dad”

The Valkyrie, at 17.6 years of age, will be going off to college in just a few months. She’ll be joining a friend we’ve known for years who’s two years older than she is. I like her friend a lot – smart, enthusiastic, talented, hard-working…

But.

I happened to walk in on a conversation between them just yesterday, where Friend was telling a story about a silly thing she did when she was just a little bit drunk last weekend. (Friend isn’t quite 21 yet, which means she’s too young to buy alcohol.) It wasn’t anything horrible – she didn’t drive her car into a wall or have sex (or even make out) with some stranger; it was just silly. And they both treated it as oh-so-harmless and funny and inconsequential.

I’m pretty sure the Valk hasn’t done any drinking yet; Lord knows here in California the institutional “don’t drink/do drugs/ have sex” messages start in preschool, and maybe even prenatally. And I’ve seen her calmly, firmly keep away from that stuff in a high school where alcohol and drugs are available, though not epidemic. Besides, I did a fair amount of recreational imbibing myself in college, and I’m not naïve. It’s going to happen.

Still…

It’s yet another instance where we have to trust that the messages we’ve given her and the behavior we’ve tried to model will be enough to give her guidance. After all, that’s the central question for parents of ‘departing’ teens, isn’t it? Not What can I do? (since the answer almost always seems to be “Nothing now,”) but How much should I worry?

So: How much should I worry?

Mary, the “mom”

Well Dad, no matter what anyone says, you’re going to worry when the Valk departs. I’m not there yet, but my sense from what I’ve seen is that it just goes with the territory. But, on this particular issue, I’m thinking that if the Valk’s come this far – end of senior year of high school – without drinking, then you’re doing something right! And, to give credit where credit’s due, she has her act together!

Lots of kids are exposed to those “don’t drink/do drugs/have sex” messages, but many don’t listen. Since the Valk has apparently listened, at least you know that she “gets it” about drinking and how it impacts teen brains. And, you know that she’s observed the good model you’ve provided. I know that no underage drinking is acceptable, but if she chooses to experiment, I think you can feel somewhat comforted believing that she’ll proceed with caution.

The Valk has made good decisions so far. So, Dad, focus on that and try not to worry so much!

Rach, the “teen”

I think the amount of worrying you do should relate directly to how you’ve taught your daughter about making safe decisions. You taught the Valk not to drink, do drugs, or have unsafe sex. You enforced those rules, you were an example, and you let her know what was acceptable (and what was not) in your household, right?

I bet you did all of that. But, no matter how much you trust that your daughter will make safe decisions about alcohol, you will still worry. A lot.

Now you have to trust that you taught your daughter the right lessons. That you were an example, and that that will be enough to help her through all the decisions she will have to make without you.

Mom is right, focusing on the positives up to this point is important. And continuing the messages of “no drugs, no sex, no alcohol” in college will help her (and you) feel better about the Valk making her own informed responsible choices.

Rach, the “teen”

One of my good friends, S, is going to college a few states away from me. My two best friends, A and D are like brothers to me. Nothing can break our friendships. D and I are off to the same school (yay!), and A is already at college. It’s hard sometimes to stay in contact with him, but we make the effort. But with S, we’ve been friends for only few years, its going to be a lot harder.

She’s a good friend, she’s fun to be around, she’s the closest I’ve ever had to a classic best friend. You know, sleepovers, movies, girls nights filled with popcorn. Man, we even share bathing suits when we swim in her pool. I want to stay friends, and I’m sure she does too. But how do we do that? Lots of phone calls? Stay friends over the internet? It’s gonna be hard. Especially because we’re both such social butterflies. We’ll both be socially and academically packed during the year, so, are we just going to have to stay friends only over breaks and during the summer?

Did you stay in touch with your high school friends? How do you suggest we keep our friendship going?

Mary, the “mom”

It’s funny because I’ve been wondering about some of the same issues for my daughter who will graduate middle school next year. In our town, many of the public middle school students end up going to private high school. So, my daughter’s group of friends will likely experience some fall out. Although, I think there is often some reshuffling of friendships as “middle schoolers” become “high schoolers” and kids who were friends start to make different choices. Of course, none of that is as dramatic as what Rach is facing as she and her friends head off to college.

I think that as you go through each stage of life, you make some new friends and some of the old ones drop off. But, some of those the old friends hang on. My husband and I each seem to have retained one close friend from each stage. It’s pretty cool when you’re in your mid-40s and have someone you can reminisce with about middle school or high school.

I was tempted to say: “Que sera, sera”, the friendships that are meant to be will survive, but really, I think it’s the ones you nurture that will survive. And, in this day of text, IM, facebook, etc., it’s a lot easier and cheaper to keep in touch. So, try nurturing those friendships by keeping in touch. It will be worth it down the road.

Brad, the “dad”

We’ve been thinking about the survival (or lack thereof) of friendships across the middle school/high school and high school/college gap a lot around here, with both my daughters. After all, this September one of them is off to college (an hour away) and the other’s off to a (distant, charter-type) high school, and frankly I don’t expect many (or any) of the school-based friendships of either girl to survive the upcoming jumps.

The thing is…that’s not entirely a bad thing. The high school girl has a ‘friend’ who’s been nothing but a vicious, manipulative little … problem? … for years now, literally since elementary school, and I’m actually hoping that, once geography and academics separate them (the Vicious Little Thug isn’t going to college), she’ll be 100% history. And that’s good: she’s done enough damage already. Meanwhile the young’un has made a couple of acquaintances in middle school that sure look to me like they’re headed for trouble – too much interest in the ‘dangerous’ lifestyle choices re: sex, drug, and authority – and I’m quite happy to see them heading off in other directions as well. Good riddance, he said snittily.

Me, I had one friend from second grade until well into my forties, and ultimately only a thousand miles and a marriage (his, not mine) put any distance between us. And I have other old buds that go back twenty-five years now, so I know ‘extended friendships’ are possible and often very good for the soul. But I also think that – by and large – the ones that should survive, the ones that are healthy and beneficial to both parties – do survive the tests of time and distance. Those that don’t make it probably shouldn’t. (And no, I haven’t noticed that the wonders of e-mail, texting and webcams have really changed the situation all that much; the distance that grows between friends is really one that grows as shared experience dwindles, and technology only prolongs the agony, if it makes any difference at all).

So Rach – try and hang on to the relationships that really matter, but don’t be too surprised if they fade no matter how hard you try. Maybe – just maybe – it’s all for the best.

Brad, the “dad”

My 17-year-old daughter, the one who’s heading off to college in mid-August, dropped another bomb this afternoon. “I want to go to Europe this summer,” she said.

“What,” I said, “like you’re not leaving fast enough already?”

For some reason, she acted as if she hadn’t even heard me. “Three of my friends and me. Going to hostels in France and Italy.”

“No tour group? No school involved? No grown-ups?”

“I’m a grown-up now, Daddy.”

Before I could stop laughing, she said, “Come on, it’s only for a few weeks.” Yeah, like that would matter. Don’t put her in mortal danger in a foreign land ten thousand miles from home with no supervision for a month, that’s bad parenting. But for two weeks … no problem!

But seriously…she’s leaving soon already. Can’t she get into just as much trouble in her dorm room in the next county as she can in Alsace-Lorraine? And if I trust her then, why not trust her now? She’s a smart and responsible kid. Maybe it’s time to let her go.

But when does ‘letting go’ stop being a good idea and become just plain stupid? I know my daughter’s answer to that; it involves a round-trip ticket to Heathrow. I just don’t know mine.

Mary, the “mom”

No, she can’t get into as much trouble in her dorm room in the next county as she can in Alsace-Lorraine!

Finding your way around any new city can be a daunting experience, but you’re talking about a foreign country. Actually, two foreign countries. Where they don’t speak English!

I have no doubt that she is smart and responsible. Maybe she doesn’t need teachers or parents supervising (although she is still a minor). But has she ever traveled alone? Explored an unfamiliar city by herself? Does she speak French or Italian?

What about a tour group? I know…it sounds lame to her. Yeah, it sounds lame to me, too. But, YIKES, I can’t help thinking of all that could go wrong.

Can’t you find some compromise? A tour doesn’t have to be a senior citizen special or a high school trip with teacher chaperons. Maybe she can find some adventure tour meant for young people where they stay in hostels and backpack and all of that.

‘Letting go’ is good, but ‘too much, too soon’ isn’t.

Rach, the “teen”

I want to go touring France and Italy with your 17 year-old.

To be honest though, I agree, it would be a bad idea to let her go off alone like that. Especially as a minor. She could get into all sorts of trouble. And, well.. if I was touring another country completely without supervision - I wouldn’t exactly be on my best behavior.

So, being in a new and different country, without parents or supervision, where there is likely to be new challenges and adventures. It sounds fun, but it could really be seriously damaging.

Nonetheless, tours with groups are super lame, so how about letting her (and her friends) spend a night or two down at the beach, or at some other place that is close enough for you, but far enough for her to be independent. That’s what my parents are letting me do. A weekend at the beach. It’s no France, but hey, at least I get some time to be independent before the big leap to college.

Rach, the “teen”

I’ve been watching High School Confidential, a show that follows 12 girls through their four years in a typical Mid-western high school. If the girls didn’t talk so much about Kansas, I would have never known where the school is located.

Northwest, the school portrayed in the show, seemed almost exactly like my high school. Our student bodies are very similar; our communities seemed equally diverse, even our school television stations looked alike. The girls out there seem to wear more makeup than the girls at my school, but to be honest, that’s the biggest difference I saw.

That’s why I liked the show so much. Not only do I feel connected (because of our school comparisons), but because I felt connected to the students. They weren’t Orange County celebrities in the making, and they weren’t actors posing as teens. They were real teens, with real issues, making real choices. That rocks. It really felt like an accurate portrayal of what it’s like being a teenage girl.

Of course it might just be me. Did the high school and the kids seem real to you too?

Mary, the “mom”

It’s fascinating to me that Rachel does feel so connected to these girls and it’s really quite instructive. As I listen to them, they often sound quite dramatic. I think I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl, and of course I do remember some of it. But at this point in my life I’ve managed to put all those high school dramas into perspective. It’s easy as an adult to look at some of the issues these girls are dealing with and realize they are just small ‘bumps in the road’.

The girls in High School Confidential are a wake-up call. They are real. Their issues are real and, most importantly, their perspectives on those issues are real. As a parent, it’s really useful to be reminded that, to the girls, at that moment in time, these issues are all consuming.

On the other hand, some of the girls in this show are dealing with huge, life-altering issues – parents dying, unplanned pregnancies, and so on - issues that any adult would recognize as no small ‘bump in the road’. Yet, in some cases, they don’t get the support they so obviously need.

So, what did I get out of this as a mom? A reminder to not minimize the ‘crisis’ that are the milk of the teenager years and a little positive reinforcement that providing a stable and supportive environment – to whatever extent you can control it - has its benefits.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, High School Confidential scared the bejeebies out of me. Pregnancy, marriage, death, abortion – ah, good times, good times. Then I reminded myself that even though these are real kids, we’re watching the highlights (or lowlights) of four tumultuous years shrunk down into about 18 minutes.

My 17-year-old watched the show with me, and even she commented on how incredibly dramatic each story was. “We have 100 seniors at my [tiny] high school,” she said, “and there’s been exactly one pregnancy, two other girls who came back to school with babies, one traffic death, no suicides, and as far as I know no dead parents. Yet.” (At which point she gave me a disturbingly speculative squint.) There’s a point there: High School Confidential – being a TV show, after all — is intrinsically attracted to the Big Stories, good or bad; Judging by the experiences of my own kids and their friends, the day-to-day life of the high schooler isn’t nearly as high-anxiety as what we saw here.

Mary “the mom”

The older of my two daughters just turned thirteen last week and I had been feeling pretty good about how we’d been getting along lately. I knew it was probably the “calm before the storm,” but I’d hoped that wasn’t true. Then I watched High School Confidential.

High School Confidential (on WE tv) tracks 12 girls through the high school years. This week’s episode dealt with Sara and Caitlin, both of whom expressed some pretty conservative views upon entering high school. Sara’s parents are immigrants and her Persian culture is important to her. Caitlin describes herself as a devout Catholic for whom religion is one of the most important things in her life. Both of these girls appear to have a good relationship with their parents at this point. Then each of them meets a boy with whom they develop a serious relationship. By the time they graduate from high school, Sara is getting married to her boyfriend, much to her parents’ dismay, and Caitlin has fallen away from the church. As the girls progress through high school, their relationships with their parents deteriorate somewhat over the years.

This really concerned me - if this is the pattern then I am definitely in the “calm before the storm with my daughter!” But, what struck me was that, as freshman, these girls were parroting their parents’ pretty conservative values and, as they matured, they started to form their own values which weren’t always in sync with their parents. That obviously caused friction.

I could relate to this because it was my experience growing up. But, I’d like to think that I am pretty open-minded and that I’ve established a solid pattern of open and honest discussion with my children about the various big issues of life. It seems to have worked so far with my son – he is 16 and we haven’t hit any real storms, yet. I’d like to think that whatever choices my daughter makes, whatever identity she forges, we can still have a good relationship. Although, if she told me she wanted to get married at 18, I wouldn’t be so open-minded!

I discussed this episode with my daughter, including the idea that perhaps Sara got married so young because she wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. If my daughter was in a committed relationship, I’d rather she had protected sex than get married at 18, and, she knows it. I hope that by being realistic and open-minded, we can survive this high school journey with our relationship in tact, new identity and all!

On a lighter note, can we like please like teach our kids to like stop saying “like” every like other word? Sara drove me crazy with the “likes”!

Rach, the “teen”

“Mom”, what you are going through is very much the calm before the storm. My parents and I went through it, except, it only seemed like a calm to them. It was still storming for me; I just started leaving things out.

These girls’ relationships with their parents did seem to diminish as time went on. And I think that’s pretty normal. As teens gain independence, they stop letting their parents run their lives. What’s so sad about Sara and Caitlin (and me, and most of the teens I know) is that we stop letting our parents in. Over the past few years I’ve become more distant, because hey, my parents don’t really need to know about how I had that super hard physics test today, or how a girl I know might be pregnant.

Teens change really quickly as we grow into adults. And it’s hard to talk about our lives with the people who still see us as “daddy’s little girl.”

I agree with you. I would rather have my kids in a committed relationship having sex, than be getting married and making such a huge life decision so early. At least, I don’t think I’d be ready to get married this young.

I have something in common with Sara. My parents got married really young (and would disown me if I wanted to get married before 20). I’m also in a steady relationship. In fact, my boyfriend and I watched this episode together. We talked about their relationship portrayed on the show, how they seemed like they were both in it out of loneliness, not love.

All in all, this episode left me wondering what was left out. I couldn’t portray my senior year in an hour-long show, let alone the most important four years of my life so far.

Brad “the dad”

Sara and Caitlin didn’t really defy their parents or openly, actively reject their upbringing; they just drifted away, step at a time. No big blow-out with Mom or Dad; they simply stopped including them in their day-to-day lives. That’s exactly how it’s happening for me; the question is what gets lost in the spaces that are created by this new, disturbing independence (You know: that independence we’ve been training them for and urging them to embrace since they were babies.)

Rachel’s right: one hour, two kids, four years – that’s not nearly enough time to get a feel for why Sara and Caitlin did what they did. But that same sense of distance, of not knowing the whole story – that’s a big part of being the parent of a teenager. The dominant cliché that rules our lives is, “Well, we’ve spent all these years preparing her/him for the Real World; it’s time to let go and trust them to do the right thing,” while at the same time the other part of us is screaming, “What are you, insane? She’s not ready! He doesn’t know how to handle this! They’re making life-altering decisions and THEY NEED YOU!”

So you look for points of contact. You look for shared moments. And you try not to be as rigid or as clueless as these parents sometimes appeared to be – unfairly, I suspect, given the tiny window we were looking through. But ultimately, yes, you have to accept the cliché as truth and – urgh – trust them.

Read How Do You Keep in Touch With Your Teenager on ParentingTeensOnline.

Brad, the “dad”

I had just dropped the Elf at middle school when I heard a familiar name on the radio. It was the top-of-the-hour headlines: a 13-year-old had been shot and killed over a dispute involving a pick-up basketball game. Shot twice, no less. By a fellow student.

And it happened at my old middle school. Back when it was still called “junior high,” and less than a hundred yards from the house I lived in at the time. I suddenly, chillingly, realized that I had been playing pick-up basketball (badly) on that same outdoor, asphalt court, at the same time of day, exactly forty years ago. Before they put up the security fence all around the campus. Before the fire that burned most of the original building to the ground. Before…well, apparently before everything changed.

Yes, I know it was a long time ago, but this wasn’t some impoverished gang-infested, inner city school on the Bad Side of Town.This was the same moderately overcrowded, moderately well-run school in the same middle-class, highly diverse, Southern California suburb it had been in 1968, so…what the hell has happened? What kind of world has grown up around us in the last forty years? What was I dropping my daughter into? It wasn’t just ironic that I had just deposited my own kid at her own eight grade mere moments before; it was downright terrifying.

I’m probably worrying too much. I don’t even live in that neighborhood, or that town, or even that county, anymore. And I know we hear stories like this every few days, and click our tongues and shake our heads. I know the only thing that makes this one different for me is that it’s my school, in my ancient and distant home town. But still…is it worse ‘out there’ than it was forty years ago? Or am I just being paranoid and overprotective? Again?

Mary, the “mom”

I don’t think it’s paranoid or overprotective to worry, because there is plenty to worry about, but it doesn’t accomplish anything. All we can do is teach our kids to be good and be careful and then we just have to hope they’re not in the wrong place at the wrong time.

When I say ‘all we can do is teach them to be good and careful’, I don’t mean the standard “be good parents and it will all work out”. I think we need make sure our children are tolerant of others and, to quote the ‘Golden Rule’, “treat others as they would like to be treated”. I’ve been trying to get my 9 year old to see a little social squabble from the other girl’s perspective. Maybe it’s a lot of these little teachable moments that add up to them having empathy for others. It seems as though much of the senseless violence in schools today is perpetrated by kids who have been bullied or excluded. Sometimes all it takes is one kid standing up for the outcast to make that kid’s life more tolerable. Of course, if I’m being honest, I have to admit that standing up for the outcast against a popular crowd could be downright dangerous in and of itself. But, if enough kids have empathy for others, maybe some of this senseless violence will stop.

However, since it won’t all stop, I also think we need to try to educate our children to be “street smart” and the ‘street’ might be a city street or it might be the playground at school, but they need to know to lookout for trouble and avoid it. That can be a little hard to accomplish in suburbia, but I think we’ve got to try.

All that said, the news I heard on my drive home today included a report of a group of third graders plotting to attack their teacher. My youngest is a third grader – it’s beyond my comprehension that 9 year olds would do such a thing. It makes you wonder what they’ll be doing when they’re in middle school. I guess I’m worried, even if it doesn’t accomplish anything.

Rach, the “teen”

Every year, without fail, there is a bomb threat at my high school in the suburbs. Every student here looks forward to “bomb threat day” – we love it. They take us out of classes and let us hang out on the fields across from the school. It’s a great day spent in the sun while bomb-sniffing dogs search the entire building and grounds.

In fact, we have lockdowns (where we aren’t allowed to leave our classrooms for an hour while the dogs sniff the building, or someone gets arrested) more than we have fire drills or student assemblies.

Violence is part of our country, our culture, our schools, and our media. And that’s what really so scary to me. That society lets all this violence filter through into our thoughts and the thoughts of our children.

Of course, education is the best way to protect people against violence. Teaching them that it is not OK to harm someone with actions or with words is important. And, sadly, it’s our only option right now.

So, mom and dad, you are dropping your kids into a scary violence and hate-obsessed world. And I’m sorry.

I don’t want to live in a world where kids shoot other kids, or where students plan kidnappings of their teachers. But I don’t have a choice. It’s really scary for us, knowing that there could be a shooting at our high school or college campus, or that the draft would come back and we’d all be shipped off to war.

We want you to worry for us, because then it doesn’t seem so irrational when we are afraid of what’s next.

Find helpful resources on School Violence on ParentingTeensOnline.

The “Dad”

The Elf – 13.666 years old (with the accent on the “666”) has just made a major-league pitch to us for a…for a…tattoo. And not just some tiny little rose on her ankle you could cover with a stocking or a sports bandage or a skin graft. This time the Elf is living up to her nickname. “It’s a hand?” she told me. “But smaller, like a gnome or a fairy’s hand? And it’s curling around from behind, like it’s grabbing my arm. Won’t that be cool?”

I have to hand it to myself: my head did not explode. But I hauled out every counter-argument I could think of. I tried the ‘health’ angle, and I she showed me articles on how safe “skin art” was these days. I said, “Nobody your age is getting –“ and she listed half a dozen kids in her 8^th grade class who already had tattoos. I even tried Being Reasonable – I was that desperate. “Honey,” I said, “I know how much you want this, but really, I think –“

She put an affectionate hand on my arm and smiled – no, really, she actually smiled “Daddy,” she said. “I love you – you know that. But I don’t care what you think.”

I was stumped. The best I could do was cross my arms and looked oh-so-very stern and say, “We’ll see.”

“Right,” she said. “I’m going to go talk to Mom.”

I’m going to have to get there first. Seriously: The Mom and I are going to have to talk this through. ’m dead-set against it, and I think she is, too. And of course The Elf can’t get it done without a note from her parents. But we’re going to have to formulate a really good counter-offensive to avoid getting…well, you know, offensive.

There’s not going to be any tattoo. Not on my watch. But I’d really like her to agree that it’s not a great idea, at least for a few years. Or decades. Or lifetimes.

The “Teen”

To be completely honest, I don’t have any really strong feelings about tattoos. I’ve seen some cool ones, and I’ve seen some really horrible ones. The cool ones, well, they tend to be on people who are really extreme. Old punk rockers covered in tattoos, that’s pretty cool, very hardcore. Teenagers with lame body art, not so cool.

It’s cool that The Elf is so open about what she wants. But it’s too bad that she wants a tattoo. It’s going to be hard to convince her that getting a tattoo at 13 is a bad idea, because it can be hard to persuade someone to not do something.

I feel like getting a tattoo is like picking out a shirt. A shirt that you would never take off. A shirt that you would wear every single solitary day. You’d want that shirt to be perfect, right? It would need to look good with all your other clothes. It would have to be appropriate at weddings and funerals, during school and during play. It would be a permanent fixture of your life forever and ever.

The “Mom”

I’m with “Dad” – not on my watch!

I agree that it would be great if The Elf could come around to agreeing that a tattoo doesn’t make sense, but if she doesn’t, this is a battle to pick. (You know, “they” always say, ‘pick your battles’.)

So, you’ve tried a few arguments and none have made an impression. I’d focus on how her tastes have changed – and will continue to change. The hair style that looked so “cool” two years, but she wouldn’t be caught dead with now. Or, the outfit that was a ‘must-have’, that’s now been discarded as “so yesterday”. What happens when she changes her mind about the tattoo? I know, The Elf will say “but, I won’t change my mind”. But, we know she will.

Stick to your guns! — with loving explanations of why and the promise that if she still wants a tattoo when she turns 18, she can do it. She’ll thank you for this down the road. Of course, in the meantime, you’ll probably pay for it in many creative ways!

Check out You Want To Do What?!!! A Parent’s Guide to Body Decoration from ParentingTeensOnline.