Rach, the “teen”

One of my good friends, S, is going to college a few states away from me. My two best friends, A and D are like brothers to me. Nothing can break our friendships. D and I are off to the same school (yay!), and A is already at college. It’s hard sometimes to stay in contact with him, but we make the effort. But with S, we’ve been friends for only few years, its going to be a lot harder.

She’s a good friend, she’s fun to be around, she’s the closest I’ve ever had to a classic best friend. You know, sleepovers, movies, girls nights filled with popcorn. Man, we even share bathing suits when we swim in her pool. I want to stay friends, and I’m sure she does too. But how do we do that? Lots of phone calls? Stay friends over the internet? It’s gonna be hard. Especially because we’re both such social butterflies. We’ll both be socially and academically packed during the year, so, are we just going to have to stay friends only over breaks and during the summer?

Did you stay in touch with your high school friends? How do you suggest we keep our friendship going?

Mary, the “mom”

It’s funny because I’ve been wondering about some of the same issues for my daughter who will graduate middle school next year. In our town, many of the public middle school students end up going to private high school. So, my daughter’s group of friends will likely experience some fall out. Although, I think there is often some reshuffling of friendships as “middle schoolers” become “high schoolers” and kids who were friends start to make different choices. Of course, none of that is as dramatic as what Rach is facing as she and her friends head off to college.

I think that as you go through each stage of life, you make some new friends and some of the old ones drop off. But, some of those the old friends hang on. My husband and I each seem to have retained one close friend from each stage. It’s pretty cool when you’re in your mid-40s and have someone you can reminisce with about middle school or high school.

I was tempted to say: “Que sera, sera”, the friendships that are meant to be will survive, but really, I think it’s the ones you nurture that will survive. And, in this day of text, IM, facebook, etc., it’s a lot easier and cheaper to keep in touch. So, try nurturing those friendships by keeping in touch. It will be worth it down the road.

Brad, the “dad”

We’ve been thinking about the survival (or lack thereof) of friendships across the middle school/high school and high school/college gap a lot around here, with both my daughters. After all, this September one of them is off to college (an hour away) and the other’s off to a (distant, charter-type) high school, and frankly I don’t expect many (or any) of the school-based friendships of either girl to survive the upcoming jumps.

The thing is…that’s not entirely a bad thing. The high school girl has a ‘friend’ who’s been nothing but a vicious, manipulative little … problem? … for years now, literally since elementary school, and I’m actually hoping that, once geography and academics separate them (the Vicious Little Thug isn’t going to college), she’ll be 100% history. And that’s good: she’s done enough damage already. Meanwhile the young’un has made a couple of acquaintances in middle school that sure look to me like they’re headed for trouble – too much interest in the ‘dangerous’ lifestyle choices re: sex, drug, and authority – and I’m quite happy to see them heading off in other directions as well. Good riddance, he said snittily.

Me, I had one friend from second grade until well into my forties, and ultimately only a thousand miles and a marriage (his, not mine) put any distance between us. And I have other old buds that go back twenty-five years now, so I know ‘extended friendships’ are possible and often very good for the soul. But I also think that – by and large – the ones that should survive, the ones that are healthy and beneficial to both parties – do survive the tests of time and distance. Those that don’t make it probably shouldn’t. (And no, I haven’t noticed that the wonders of e-mail, texting and webcams have really changed the situation all that much; the distance that grows between friends is really one that grows as shared experience dwindles, and technology only prolongs the agony, if it makes any difference at all).

So Rach – try and hang on to the relationships that really matter, but don’t be too surprised if they fade no matter how hard you try. Maybe – just maybe – it’s all for the best.

Mary, the “mom”

About 2 months ago, I blogged about my concern that I was micro-managing my son with Edline, a program which allows students and parents online access to assignments, course calendars, grade sheets, absence reports, etc. I knew that managing his responsibilities for him wasn’t going to help in the long run, but Edline made it sooo tempting.

Well, when our virtual teen, Rach, joined in the conversation, it was a dose of reality for me. I always find it so helpful getting a real life teen perspective from her. So, I took Rach’s advice to heart and backed off. I still peeked at Edline, but for the most part I was simply supportive.

Well, come to find out that there’s a big difference in the maturity level of a 16 year boy (or at least this one) and an 18 year girl. Shocking, I know! So, while I really do value Rach’s advice, it turns out, my son is not really ready to manage this completely on his own. And, I’ve decided that he’s got two more years of high school to come around to the maturity level that Rach obviously has. So, it’s OK that he’s not there yet.

So, with all of this swirling through our home, I open my Sunday New York Times and see an article titled “I Know What You Did Last Math Class” which reports on families using Edline and similar services and how they are popular but can stress out families. It was interesting and funny and now I know I’m not alone in trying to find the right balance in using this service.

I want to try and use it as a means of communicating with my son about what’s happening and as a tool to help him to organize his work – not organize it for him. I definitely don’t want it to be confrontational or nagging. (Rach helped me understand just how unproductive that can be!) I’m thinking this can be a learning experience in itself. And, hopefully, by the time he’s a senior he’ll be managing it all himself and ready to face the workload of college without Mom looking over his shoulder.

So, now I need to go look at Edline and try to remember not to jump to conclusions, not to nag and not to be confrontational when we discuss it. I know what you’re thinking…”there is no way a self-professed control freak is going to be able to walk that line.” Maybe not, but I am going to try!

Brad, the “dad”

Let them alone, but stay involved. Help them, but don’t help them too much. Stay close, but not that close. Yipes. Nobody told us that the national pastime for parenting was Tug O’ War.

I’ve actually given up on subtlety when it comes to grades. Our middle-schooler made that possible when a Progress Report (one of those surprising little middle-of-the-term-it’s-not-a-grade-yet-but-watch-out mailings) showed up on the doorstep with a D+ on it. Yeah: DEE PLUS. From then on, worrying about whether I was being too interventionalist, whether I had to “let her fail” so she could learn, whether I was slowing down her personal development by making things too easy … all that? Floop! Out the window.

We don’t do D+’s in this house. And Edline is now only one of a whole arsenal of tools that I use without a moment’s hesitation to keep her on the straight-and-narrow (and she is: I’m proud to say the Elf was even more ashamed of losing academic control than I was, and the instant she realized there was no getting away clean, she buckled down. We’re back to A/B’s again.).

I know we can’t protect them from everything. But we didn’t teach her how to look both ways before she crossed the street by letting her play in traffic and get ding-bopped by a couple of cars. There are places she can fall down “safely” and places where it’s just plain stupid to let her fall. And I’ve come to the conclusion that grades mean too much – that the schools themselves have made grades mean too much – to let her report card be one of the “let them fail” places.

So I’m on her like a duck on a June bug …. and any time she gets a little grumpy about that, I only have to say two words and she ducks down and accepts it. It’s amazing what the simple utterance of “Dee Plus” can do.

Look on the bright side, “Mom.” Maybe your son can get a D or an F – just once! – and then you can lose the guilt, just like me.

Rach, the “teen”

For a few years in middle school I consistently brought home D’s. I acted a lot like the Elf did - I was so much more disappointed in myself than my parents were (that says a lot, they were heartbroken).

I agree though, too much focus is put on grades. It’s not about “the great war” or the quadratic formula anymore. It’s about getting an A. Learning has gone out the window in most schools. Grades, test scores and resume builders are what school is about. And, that’s really sad.

But this is a problem we can’t really bring up with the students or the schools. This is something we need to bring up with the government. Funding is determined by test scores, not students, and certainly not learning.

Nonetheless, a lot of emphasis is still put on grades. I still think programs that let parents “check in” on their kids are a bad idea. But the few parents that encourage their kids to use it a tool are making it all worthwhile.

I must admit, if I had kids and they were doing badly in school. I might use a program like that to make sure they were getting their grades up. I guess it’s a good thing, for parents whose kids don’t honestly tell their parents about schoolwork.

For ideas on how to talk with your teen about school, see ParentingTeensOnline Special May Hot Topic: Your Teens’ Teachers

Rach, the “teen”

This morning I dragged myself out of bed, drove to school and promptly fell asleep in homeroom (then in math, British Literature, and physics). The girl next to be woke me up when the bell rang, “time for class”, she said. I looked around, everyone looked dead.

Older teens, like myself, thrive on sleep. And we rarely get enough. Sometimes I find myself coming home from school and sleeping until dinner. I go to bed no later than 10, and I get about 8 hours. So, my question… is 8 or 9 hours enough for a teenager?

At twelve, thirteen and fourteen, I had 12-hour days. Getting to school, being in school and then crazy long sports practices. That was totally fine then. Now I’m eighteen, and I have 7-hour days. And it’s not fine.

I’m not the only one sleeping through class. If we aren’t flat out sleeping, we’re thinking about sleeping. What’s up with that?

How come the moment we enter High School we suddenly need so much more sleep? It can’t just be our boring teachers… right?

Brad, the “dad”

There is, in fact, some complicated and impressive biological reason for this change in sleep-needs – I just don’t know what it is. I am sure, however, that the minute the Elf and the Valkyrie both hit their teens, ka-bam, their heads hit the pillow for hours upon hours. Around here, however, the problem is not with them sleeping too much; it’s getting them to acknowledge that they need to sleep more than before – like nine to ten hours a night (sleep experts say) instead of the eight to nine that indolent old dudes (like me) need.

I mean, do the math: if the Valkyrie or the Elf were really interested in getting the nine-plus hours their bodies need, they’d be going to sleep about 9:00 p.m. every night, since they have to get up at 6:00 or 6:30 a.m. And good luck getting them to go all lights-out at the same bedtime they had when they were eight years old. “Look,” I have said, “it’s not because you’re lazy or depressed or psychotically antisocial. It’s because your brain is still soft and it needs extra sleep to firm up properly.” Not that this approach is effective. In fact, it has worked exactly never. I can’t even pry the PSP out of the Elf’s hands at 9:00 in the evening; her grip strength doesn’t begin to falter until at least 11:00. (Believe me, I’ve tested it.)

So my advice, Rach, is quite simple and yet comforting: don’t feel guilty. Just get to bed.

Mary, the “mom”

As I contemplate how to answer Rach, it is 6:45 am. I’ve been up for an hour and I got to sleep about 12:30 am. So, I got just over 5 hours of sleep last night. This is the standard weekday schedule which, of course, falls far short of what I need. I try to make up for it on the weekend.

I know I could go to bed earlier. It’s all about priorities. Once I’ve finished all of my daily responsibilities, I want an hour to “veg” in front of the TV and then when I finally climb into bed, I want a half hour to read. And, at night, I want that more than sleep. Of course, come morning it looks like a bad decision.

My 16 year old averages 7 hours a night. Should he get more? Absolutely! Could he go to bed earlier? Sure! Does he admit he needs more? Of course not! Most of the time it’s him choosing to have some “down time” that keeps him up. By the time baseball practice is over and homework done, it’s already late, so “down time” cuts into sleep time.

It’s all about priorities - in this case “down time” versus sleep time. The teachers aren’t likely to get more stimulating, so you either have to go to bed earlier or figure out how to stay awake in class.

Have I mentioned caffeine?

Check out Late to Bed, Late to Rise article on ParentingTeensOnline.