Brad, the “dad”

My 17-year-old daughter, the one who’s heading off to college in mid-August, dropped another bomb this afternoon. “I want to go to Europe this summer,” she said.

“What,” I said, “like you’re not leaving fast enough already?”

For some reason, she acted as if she hadn’t even heard me. “Three of my friends and me. Going to hostels in France and Italy.”

“No tour group? No school involved? No grown-ups?”

“I’m a grown-up now, Daddy.”

Before I could stop laughing, she said, “Come on, it’s only for a few weeks.” Yeah, like that would matter. Don’t put her in mortal danger in a foreign land ten thousand miles from home with no supervision for a month, that’s bad parenting. But for two weeks … no problem!

But seriously…she’s leaving soon already. Can’t she get into just as much trouble in her dorm room in the next county as she can in Alsace-Lorraine? And if I trust her then, why not trust her now? She’s a smart and responsible kid. Maybe it’s time to let her go.

But when does ‘letting go’ stop being a good idea and become just plain stupid? I know my daughter’s answer to that; it involves a round-trip ticket to Heathrow. I just don’t know mine.

Mary, the “mom”

No, she can’t get into as much trouble in her dorm room in the next county as she can in Alsace-Lorraine!

Finding your way around any new city can be a daunting experience, but you’re talking about a foreign country. Actually, two foreign countries. Where they don’t speak English!

I have no doubt that she is smart and responsible. Maybe she doesn’t need teachers or parents supervising (although she is still a minor). But has she ever traveled alone? Explored an unfamiliar city by herself? Does she speak French or Italian?

What about a tour group? I know…it sounds lame to her. Yeah, it sounds lame to me, too. But, YIKES, I can’t help thinking of all that could go wrong.

Can’t you find some compromise? A tour doesn’t have to be a senior citizen special or a high school trip with teacher chaperons. Maybe she can find some adventure tour meant for young people where they stay in hostels and backpack and all of that.

‘Letting go’ is good, but ‘too much, too soon’ isn’t.

Rach, the “teen”

I want to go touring France and Italy with your 17 year-old.

To be honest though, I agree, it would be a bad idea to let her go off alone like that. Especially as a minor. She could get into all sorts of trouble. And, well.. if I was touring another country completely without supervision - I wouldn’t exactly be on my best behavior.

So, being in a new and different country, without parents or supervision, where there is likely to be new challenges and adventures. It sounds fun, but it could really be seriously damaging.

Nonetheless, tours with groups are super lame, so how about letting her (and her friends) spend a night or two down at the beach, or at some other place that is close enough for you, but far enough for her to be independent. That’s what my parents are letting me do. A weekend at the beach. It’s no France, but hey, at least I get some time to be independent before the big leap to college.

Rach, the “teen”

I’ve been watching High School Confidential, a show that follows 12 girls through their four years in a typical Mid-western high school. If the girls didn’t talk so much about Kansas, I would have never known where the school is located.

Northwest, the school portrayed in the show, seemed almost exactly like my high school. Our student bodies are very similar; our communities seemed equally diverse, even our school television stations looked alike. The girls out there seem to wear more makeup than the girls at my school, but to be honest, that’s the biggest difference I saw.

That’s why I liked the show so much. Not only do I feel connected (because of our school comparisons), but because I felt connected to the students. They weren’t Orange County celebrities in the making, and they weren’t actors posing as teens. They were real teens, with real issues, making real choices. That rocks. It really felt like an accurate portrayal of what it’s like being a teenage girl.

Of course it might just be me. Did the high school and the kids seem real to you too?

Mary, the “mom”

It’s fascinating to me that Rachel does feel so connected to these girls and it’s really quite instructive. As I listen to them, they often sound quite dramatic. I think I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl, and of course I do remember some of it. But at this point in my life I’ve managed to put all those high school dramas into perspective. It’s easy as an adult to look at some of the issues these girls are dealing with and realize they are just small ‘bumps in the road’.

The girls in High School Confidential are a wake-up call. They are real. Their issues are real and, most importantly, their perspectives on those issues are real. As a parent, it’s really useful to be reminded that, to the girls, at that moment in time, these issues are all consuming.

On the other hand, some of the girls in this show are dealing with huge, life-altering issues – parents dying, unplanned pregnancies, and so on - issues that any adult would recognize as no small ‘bump in the road’. Yet, in some cases, they don’t get the support they so obviously need.

So, what did I get out of this as a mom? A reminder to not minimize the ‘crisis’ that are the milk of the teenager years and a little positive reinforcement that providing a stable and supportive environment – to whatever extent you can control it - has its benefits.

Brad, the “dad”

Actually, High School Confidential scared the bejeebies out of me. Pregnancy, marriage, death, abortion – ah, good times, good times. Then I reminded myself that even though these are real kids, we’re watching the highlights (or lowlights) of four tumultuous years shrunk down into about 18 minutes.

My 17-year-old watched the show with me, and even she commented on how incredibly dramatic each story was. “We have 100 seniors at my [tiny] high school,” she said, “and there’s been exactly one pregnancy, two other girls who came back to school with babies, one traffic death, no suicides, and as far as I know no dead parents. Yet.” (At which point she gave me a disturbingly speculative squint.) There’s a point there: High School Confidential – being a TV show, after all — is intrinsically attracted to the Big Stories, good or bad; Judging by the experiences of my own kids and their friends, the day-to-day life of the high schooler isn’t nearly as high-anxiety as what we saw here.

Mary “the mom”

The older of my two daughters just turned thirteen last week and I had been feeling pretty good about how we’d been getting along lately. I knew it was probably the “calm before the storm,” but I’d hoped that wasn’t true. Then I watched High School Confidential.

High School Confidential (on WE tv) tracks 12 girls through the high school years. This week’s episode dealt with Sara and Caitlin, both of whom expressed some pretty conservative views upon entering high school. Sara’s parents are immigrants and her Persian culture is important to her. Caitlin describes herself as a devout Catholic for whom religion is one of the most important things in her life. Both of these girls appear to have a good relationship with their parents at this point. Then each of them meets a boy with whom they develop a serious relationship. By the time they graduate from high school, Sara is getting married to her boyfriend, much to her parents’ dismay, and Caitlin has fallen away from the church. As the girls progress through high school, their relationships with their parents deteriorate somewhat over the years.

This really concerned me - if this is the pattern then I am definitely in the “calm before the storm with my daughter!” But, what struck me was that, as freshman, these girls were parroting their parents’ pretty conservative values and, as they matured, they started to form their own values which weren’t always in sync with their parents. That obviously caused friction.

I could relate to this because it was my experience growing up. But, I’d like to think that I am pretty open-minded and that I’ve established a solid pattern of open and honest discussion with my children about the various big issues of life. It seems to have worked so far with my son – he is 16 and we haven’t hit any real storms, yet. I’d like to think that whatever choices my daughter makes, whatever identity she forges, we can still have a good relationship. Although, if she told me she wanted to get married at 18, I wouldn’t be so open-minded!

I discussed this episode with my daughter, including the idea that perhaps Sara got married so young because she wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. If my daughter was in a committed relationship, I’d rather she had protected sex than get married at 18, and, she knows it. I hope that by being realistic and open-minded, we can survive this high school journey with our relationship in tact, new identity and all!

On a lighter note, can we like please like teach our kids to like stop saying “like” every like other word? Sara drove me crazy with the “likes”!

Rach, the “teen”

“Mom”, what you are going through is very much the calm before the storm. My parents and I went through it, except, it only seemed like a calm to them. It was still storming for me; I just started leaving things out.

These girls’ relationships with their parents did seem to diminish as time went on. And I think that’s pretty normal. As teens gain independence, they stop letting their parents run their lives. What’s so sad about Sara and Caitlin (and me, and most of the teens I know) is that we stop letting our parents in. Over the past few years I’ve become more distant, because hey, my parents don’t really need to know about how I had that super hard physics test today, or how a girl I know might be pregnant.

Teens change really quickly as we grow into adults. And it’s hard to talk about our lives with the people who still see us as “daddy’s little girl.”

I agree with you. I would rather have my kids in a committed relationship having sex, than be getting married and making such a huge life decision so early. At least, I don’t think I’d be ready to get married this young.

I have something in common with Sara. My parents got married really young (and would disown me if I wanted to get married before 20). I’m also in a steady relationship. In fact, my boyfriend and I watched this episode together. We talked about their relationship portrayed on the show, how they seemed like they were both in it out of loneliness, not love.

All in all, this episode left me wondering what was left out. I couldn’t portray my senior year in an hour-long show, let alone the most important four years of my life so far.

Brad “the dad”

Sara and Caitlin didn’t really defy their parents or openly, actively reject their upbringing; they just drifted away, step at a time. No big blow-out with Mom or Dad; they simply stopped including them in their day-to-day lives. That’s exactly how it’s happening for me; the question is what gets lost in the spaces that are created by this new, disturbing independence (You know: that independence we’ve been training them for and urging them to embrace since they were babies.)

Rachel’s right: one hour, two kids, four years – that’s not nearly enough time to get a feel for why Sara and Caitlin did what they did. But that same sense of distance, of not knowing the whole story – that’s a big part of being the parent of a teenager. The dominant cliché that rules our lives is, “Well, we’ve spent all these years preparing her/him for the Real World; it’s time to let go and trust them to do the right thing,” while at the same time the other part of us is screaming, “What are you, insane? She’s not ready! He doesn’t know how to handle this! They’re making life-altering decisions and THEY NEED YOU!”

So you look for points of contact. You look for shared moments. And you try not to be as rigid or as clueless as these parents sometimes appeared to be – unfairly, I suspect, given the tiny window we were looking through. But ultimately, yes, you have to accept the cliché as truth and – urgh – trust them.

Read How Do You Keep in Touch With Your Teenager on ParentingTeensOnline.

Brad, the “dad”

I had just dropped the Elf at middle school when I heard a familiar name on the radio. It was the top-of-the-hour headlines: a 13-year-old had been shot and killed over a dispute involving a pick-up basketball game. Shot twice, no less. By a fellow student.

And it happened at my old middle school. Back when it was still called “junior high,” and less than a hundred yards from the house I lived in at the time. I suddenly, chillingly, realized that I had been playing pick-up basketball (badly) on that same outdoor, asphalt court, at the same time of day, exactly forty years ago. Before they put up the security fence all around the campus. Before the fire that burned most of the original building to the ground. Before…well, apparently before everything changed.

Yes, I know it was a long time ago, but this wasn’t some impoverished gang-infested, inner city school on the Bad Side of Town.This was the same moderately overcrowded, moderately well-run school in the same middle-class, highly diverse, Southern California suburb it had been in 1968, so…what the hell has happened? What kind of world has grown up around us in the last forty years? What was I dropping my daughter into? It wasn’t just ironic that I had just deposited my own kid at her own eight grade mere moments before; it was downright terrifying.

I’m probably worrying too much. I don’t even live in that neighborhood, or that town, or even that county, anymore. And I know we hear stories like this every few days, and click our tongues and shake our heads. I know the only thing that makes this one different for me is that it’s my school, in my ancient and distant home town. But still…is it worse ‘out there’ than it was forty years ago? Or am I just being paranoid and overprotective? Again?

Mary, the “mom”

I don’t think it’s paranoid or overprotective to worry, because there is plenty to worry about, but it doesn’t accomplish anything. All we can do is teach our kids to be good and be careful and then we just have to hope they’re not in the wrong place at the wrong time.

When I say ‘all we can do is teach them to be good and careful’, I don’t mean the standard “be good parents and it will all work out”. I think we need make sure our children are tolerant of others and, to quote the ‘Golden Rule’, “treat others as they would like to be treated”. I’ve been trying to get my 9 year old to see a little social squabble from the other girl’s perspective. Maybe it’s a lot of these little teachable moments that add up to them having empathy for others. It seems as though much of the senseless violence in schools today is perpetrated by kids who have been bullied or excluded. Sometimes all it takes is one kid standing up for the outcast to make that kid’s life more tolerable. Of course, if I’m being honest, I have to admit that standing up for the outcast against a popular crowd could be downright dangerous in and of itself. But, if enough kids have empathy for others, maybe some of this senseless violence will stop.

However, since it won’t all stop, I also think we need to try to educate our children to be “street smart” and the ‘street’ might be a city street or it might be the playground at school, but they need to know to lookout for trouble and avoid it. That can be a little hard to accomplish in suburbia, but I think we’ve got to try.

All that said, the news I heard on my drive home today included a report of a group of third graders plotting to attack their teacher. My youngest is a third grader – it’s beyond my comprehension that 9 year olds would do such a thing. It makes you wonder what they’ll be doing when they’re in middle school. I guess I’m worried, even if it doesn’t accomplish anything.

Rach, the “teen”

Every year, without fail, there is a bomb threat at my high school in the suburbs. Every student here looks forward to “bomb threat day” – we love it. They take us out of classes and let us hang out on the fields across from the school. It’s a great day spent in the sun while bomb-sniffing dogs search the entire building and grounds.

In fact, we have lockdowns (where we aren’t allowed to leave our classrooms for an hour while the dogs sniff the building, or someone gets arrested) more than we have fire drills or student assemblies.

Violence is part of our country, our culture, our schools, and our media. And that’s what really so scary to me. That society lets all this violence filter through into our thoughts and the thoughts of our children.

Of course, education is the best way to protect people against violence. Teaching them that it is not OK to harm someone with actions or with words is important. And, sadly, it’s our only option right now.

So, mom and dad, you are dropping your kids into a scary violence and hate-obsessed world. And I’m sorry.

I don’t want to live in a world where kids shoot other kids, or where students plan kidnappings of their teachers. But I don’t have a choice. It’s really scary for us, knowing that there could be a shooting at our high school or college campus, or that the draft would come back and we’d all be shipped off to war.

We want you to worry for us, because then it doesn’t seem so irrational when we are afraid of what’s next.

Find helpful resources on School Violence on ParentingTeensOnline.

Rach, the “teen”

This morning I dragged myself out of bed, drove to school and promptly fell asleep in homeroom (then in math, British Literature, and physics). The girl next to be woke me up when the bell rang, “time for class”, she said. I looked around, everyone looked dead.

Older teens, like myself, thrive on sleep. And we rarely get enough. Sometimes I find myself coming home from school and sleeping until dinner. I go to bed no later than 10, and I get about 8 hours. So, my question… is 8 or 9 hours enough for a teenager?

At twelve, thirteen and fourteen, I had 12-hour days. Getting to school, being in school and then crazy long sports practices. That was totally fine then. Now I’m eighteen, and I have 7-hour days. And it’s not fine.

I’m not the only one sleeping through class. If we aren’t flat out sleeping, we’re thinking about sleeping. What’s up with that?

How come the moment we enter High School we suddenly need so much more sleep? It can’t just be our boring teachers… right?

Brad, the “dad”

There is, in fact, some complicated and impressive biological reason for this change in sleep-needs – I just don’t know what it is. I am sure, however, that the minute the Elf and the Valkyrie both hit their teens, ka-bam, their heads hit the pillow for hours upon hours. Around here, however, the problem is not with them sleeping too much; it’s getting them to acknowledge that they need to sleep more than before – like nine to ten hours a night (sleep experts say) instead of the eight to nine that indolent old dudes (like me) need.

I mean, do the math: if the Valkyrie or the Elf were really interested in getting the nine-plus hours their bodies need, they’d be going to sleep about 9:00 p.m. every night, since they have to get up at 6:00 or 6:30 a.m. And good luck getting them to go all lights-out at the same bedtime they had when they were eight years old. “Look,” I have said, “it’s not because you’re lazy or depressed or psychotically antisocial. It’s because your brain is still soft and it needs extra sleep to firm up properly.” Not that this approach is effective. In fact, it has worked exactly never. I can’t even pry the PSP out of the Elf’s hands at 9:00 in the evening; her grip strength doesn’t begin to falter until at least 11:00. (Believe me, I’ve tested it.)

So my advice, Rach, is quite simple and yet comforting: don’t feel guilty. Just get to bed.

Mary, the “mom”

As I contemplate how to answer Rach, it is 6:45 am. I’ve been up for an hour and I got to sleep about 12:30 am. So, I got just over 5 hours of sleep last night. This is the standard weekday schedule which, of course, falls far short of what I need. I try to make up for it on the weekend.

I know I could go to bed earlier. It’s all about priorities. Once I’ve finished all of my daily responsibilities, I want an hour to “veg” in front of the TV and then when I finally climb into bed, I want a half hour to read. And, at night, I want that more than sleep. Of course, come morning it looks like a bad decision.

My 16 year old averages 7 hours a night. Should he get more? Absolutely! Could he go to bed earlier? Sure! Does he admit he needs more? Of course not! Most of the time it’s him choosing to have some “down time” that keeps him up. By the time baseball practice is over and homework done, it’s already late, so “down time” cuts into sleep time.

It’s all about priorities - in this case “down time” versus sleep time. The teachers aren’t likely to get more stimulating, so you either have to go to bed earlier or figure out how to stay awake in class.

Have I mentioned caffeine?

Check out Late to Bed, Late to Rise article on ParentingTeensOnline.

The “Mom”

The high school my son attends has implemented Edline, a program which allows students and parents online access to assignments, course calendars, grade sheets, absence reports, team practice schedules… essentially every aspect of the high school student’s academic and extra-curricular life. Of course I am thrilled with this new tool! It should help my son to manage his life. But really, I am thrilled because it’s easier for me to keep on top of what’s going on and what my son should be doing. It gives me more material for those daily chats. Instead of asking “What homework do you have tonight? Can you get it done before baseball practice?”, I can say “So, you have Math and Latin homework and a History test to study for, better get moving or you won’t be done in time to go to baseball practice. Oh, and by the way, you’d better plan on starting that Chem project this weekend.” And, to myself I am saying “Ha ha! There’s no hiding now!”

Again, I am thrilled with this! I am a control freak – and I know it. But I have this nagging concern. I know that my reminders help in the short run, but what about the long run? When does he learn to manage all of this for himself? Am I really doing him a favor when I “manage” this? If he doesn’t learn to juggle these things now, what happens when he goes off to college, where there will be even more distractions?

I certainly never had anyone making sure I got my homework done. Up until now I have sorted of prided myself on being so much more involved than my parents were, but now I wonder if that’s for the best. I know the answer is “a happy medium”…but I’m just not sure where to draw the line for “medium”.

The “Dad”

All too often, our kids see “communication” and “control” as pretty much the same thing, so yes – it’s our job to know what’s going on even if they’re not inclined to tell us, and not just about the juicy stuff like sex and drugs, but about the boring, everyday icky junk like history homework.

We’ve run into the Miracle of the Sliding Grades with all our girls at one point or another, most recently when the Elf, a consistent A/B student, brought home (no, wait – when they mailed home) a B-/C semester report card, and boy, did the fur fly (little Fluffy the Cat has never been quite the same). It wasn’t any major life-crisis, as it turned out; just The Elf easing up and getting lazy, but we were none the wiser until it was a little too late.

Hereabouts we’re not helped much by the schools; where they loved us and begged us to be involved in the classroom and curriculum during elementary school, by middle/high school we’re useful only as fund-raisers, and then only at arm’s length. It’s time, they tell us, for the kids to take responsibilty for their homework and grades or they’ll never learn…and at the same time they’re telling us that grades and academic performance are hugely important, now more than ever, for college and life at large. So, what, we let them fail (and damage their lifetime-chances-options) so they can learn…once again, just a little too late?

I think the GradeGrabber 6000, or whatever that system is, is a nice compromise: you can spy on them just as you should without being intrusive, and offer help when they really need it, not just when you think they might (or just when you – I mean me – really wants to.) Go forth and kibbutz – guiltlessly!

“The Teen”

It’s cool technology, I’ll admit. But I think it’s a bad idea.

High school students have their whole days planned out by teachers. When we get home, we don’t want our parents telling us that “you’ve got math problems, government notes and that big literature paper due tomorrow, oh, and you’ve got to set the table, help make dinner and baby-sit the kids across the street later tonight.” That’s a lot, and we know it! But we can handle it. Emphasis on the “we.” We the students. Not we the family.

Teenagers do a lot of juggling, but if you’re going to be juggling it for us… how will we ever learn?

I understand the need to control some aspect of your child’s life, but when it comes to homework. It should be up to them. A little help might be good, but it should be the their responsibility to ask for help if they need it.

If you see your child struggling to get things done on time, or if their grades are slipping, ask if they need some help (with time management or studying) - don’t just give it to them.

Check out Helicoptering article on ParentingTeensOnline.

The “Dad”

The Elf – 13.666 years old (with the accent on the “666”) has just made a major-league pitch to us for a…for a…tattoo. And not just some tiny little rose on her ankle you could cover with a stocking or a sports bandage or a skin graft. This time the Elf is living up to her nickname. “It’s a hand?” she told me. “But smaller, like a gnome or a fairy’s hand? And it’s curling around from behind, like it’s grabbing my arm. Won’t that be cool?”

I have to hand it to myself: my head did not explode. But I hauled out every counter-argument I could think of. I tried the ‘health’ angle, and I she showed me articles on how safe “skin art” was these days. I said, “Nobody your age is getting –“ and she listed half a dozen kids in her 8^th grade class who already had tattoos. I even tried Being Reasonable – I was that desperate. “Honey,” I said, “I know how much you want this, but really, I think –“

She put an affectionate hand on my arm and smiled – no, really, she actually smiled “Daddy,” she said. “I love you – you know that. But I don’t care what you think.”

I was stumped. The best I could do was cross my arms and looked oh-so-very stern and say, “We’ll see.”

“Right,” she said. “I’m going to go talk to Mom.”

I’m going to have to get there first. Seriously: The Mom and I are going to have to talk this through. ’m dead-set against it, and I think she is, too. And of course The Elf can’t get it done without a note from her parents. But we’re going to have to formulate a really good counter-offensive to avoid getting…well, you know, offensive.

There’s not going to be any tattoo. Not on my watch. But I’d really like her to agree that it’s not a great idea, at least for a few years. Or decades. Or lifetimes.

The “Teen”

To be completely honest, I don’t have any really strong feelings about tattoos. I’ve seen some cool ones, and I’ve seen some really horrible ones. The cool ones, well, they tend to be on people who are really extreme. Old punk rockers covered in tattoos, that’s pretty cool, very hardcore. Teenagers with lame body art, not so cool.

It’s cool that The Elf is so open about what she wants. But it’s too bad that she wants a tattoo. It’s going to be hard to convince her that getting a tattoo at 13 is a bad idea, because it can be hard to persuade someone to not do something.

I feel like getting a tattoo is like picking out a shirt. A shirt that you would never take off. A shirt that you would wear every single solitary day. You’d want that shirt to be perfect, right? It would need to look good with all your other clothes. It would have to be appropriate at weddings and funerals, during school and during play. It would be a permanent fixture of your life forever and ever.

The “Mom”

I’m with “Dad” – not on my watch!

I agree that it would be great if The Elf could come around to agreeing that a tattoo doesn’t make sense, but if she doesn’t, this is a battle to pick. (You know, “they” always say, ‘pick your battles’.)

So, you’ve tried a few arguments and none have made an impression. I’d focus on how her tastes have changed – and will continue to change. The hair style that looked so “cool” two years, but she wouldn’t be caught dead with now. Or, the outfit that was a ‘must-have’, that’s now been discarded as “so yesterday”. What happens when she changes her mind about the tattoo? I know, The Elf will say “but, I won’t change my mind”. But, we know she will.

Stick to your guns! — with loving explanations of why and the promise that if she still wants a tattoo when she turns 18, she can do it. She’ll thank you for this down the road. Of course, in the meantime, you’ll probably pay for it in many creative ways!

Check out You Want To Do What?!!! A Parent’s Guide to Body Decoration from ParentingTeensOnline.